My work period lasts approximately 11 hours from leaving the house until I walk in the door at night. Time is limited for me.
In addition to that, I've been feeling foggy in the head the past couple of evenings due to extreme tiredness. If I had attempted judging, the results would simply not have been up to the in-depth standard I have tried to set. Moreover, the scores would have been inaccurate.
I am feeling better now, and I am aiming to complete the minimum necessary judgings tonight. For all those others, I will get to you eventually, it's just I'm proceeding on a needs-first basis.
NLBFT 12: The Second Round Bellows
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Vapor
- Member
- Posts: 5156
- Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: WHERE IT'S AT
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Selene Vs Tazy
It is past midnight and I have work tommorow. The next judging should come tommorow evening, and then I can sleep my life away.
Narrative - General (3.5 Points)
Selene: 2.24
Tazy: 1.395
Selene: There was nothing special in particular about the 'story' of battling from your part, but having an actual reason for your character to be there and to act helped you a lot in this category. You tried to make the story go somewhere, which I appreciate.
Tazy: I can see what you're trying to get at, but there are more effective ways to portray strangeness than having your character yell stupid phrases. You are not the walrus, and Happy Noodle Boy is not your father. "Pure Random" comedy only works when it's unexpected, or relatively new. It's a small step from there to absurdism by contrast, which can provide longer lasting humour. Providing more information about why this creature exists or where it came from would have been appreciated.
Writing - Technique (5 Points)
Selene: 3.8
Tazy: 2.05
Selene: Your early sentences needed revision for flow. There were too many stop-start sequences. The best example would probably be the third sentence of the first paragraph. More description of what your character looks like in terms of bodily features would be good as well. I treat each new battle as if I've never heard of the character before. After the first couple of posts things improved, though your lists of attacks could use a bit more textual padding and description. You seem to have mostly avoided the strange back-and-forth segmentation that previous battles by you have employed in the sentences. Overall, it wasn't special, but it was for the most part clear and readable.
Tazy: Your prose is choppy. Words are dropped throughout where they should be, and you still have the tense-switching problem. (How does a solid object evaporate, anyway?)
In certain sections of your writing, it reminds me of a newspaper quoting someone else in regards to a court case. Be more assertive in your writing. Don't put excessive quotes in your piece, as it looks like you're just passing on description from someone else. Metaphor can be far more effective than weak similes.
Both of you, please ensure that your writing conveys physical locations of objects well, and repeats this information when it changes. This applies more to Tazy (darkness thingy, ice cream features).
Narrative - Originality (0.5 Point)
Selene: 0
Tazy: 0.25
Tazy clearly won on originality here. I have never heard of a fighting ice-cream cone before. All the other random crap that Yam did as well helped boost the score in this area - but the poor execution of said stuff lowered Tazy's score in other places.
Nothing much original came from Selene, since much of her posts were simply going over what had happened and writing it in a better way.
Narrative - Gradient And Scaling (1 Point)
Selene: 0.775
Tazy: 0.875
Selene went a bit too fast in places, I'd say. (Ribcage tear? Seriously?) More serious damage was excused due to Tazy directing it upon himself.
General comments:
Tazy was simply outwritten here, probably due to relative writing experience levels.
I am of the opinion that if Tazy had had more experience polishing his posts, he would have beaten Selene. As it stands, his posts were too rough for him to win.
Final Score:
Selene: 6.815
Tazy: 4.57
It is past midnight and I have work tommorow. The next judging should come tommorow evening, and then I can sleep my life away.
Narrative - General (3.5 Points)
Selene: 2.24
Tazy: 1.395
Selene: There was nothing special in particular about the 'story' of battling from your part, but having an actual reason for your character to be there and to act helped you a lot in this category. You tried to make the story go somewhere, which I appreciate.
Tazy: I can see what you're trying to get at, but there are more effective ways to portray strangeness than having your character yell stupid phrases. You are not the walrus, and Happy Noodle Boy is not your father. "Pure Random" comedy only works when it's unexpected, or relatively new. It's a small step from there to absurdism by contrast, which can provide longer lasting humour. Providing more information about why this creature exists or where it came from would have been appreciated.
Writing - Technique (5 Points)
Selene: 3.8
Tazy: 2.05
Selene: Your early sentences needed revision for flow. There were too many stop-start sequences. The best example would probably be the third sentence of the first paragraph. More description of what your character looks like in terms of bodily features would be good as well. I treat each new battle as if I've never heard of the character before. After the first couple of posts things improved, though your lists of attacks could use a bit more textual padding and description. You seem to have mostly avoided the strange back-and-forth segmentation that previous battles by you have employed in the sentences. Overall, it wasn't special, but it was for the most part clear and readable.
Tazy: Your prose is choppy. Words are dropped throughout where they should be, and you still have the tense-switching problem. (How does a solid object evaporate, anyway?)
In certain sections of your writing, it reminds me of a newspaper quoting someone else in regards to a court case. Be more assertive in your writing. Don't put excessive quotes in your piece, as it looks like you're just passing on description from someone else. Metaphor can be far more effective than weak similes.
Both of you, please ensure that your writing conveys physical locations of objects well, and repeats this information when it changes. This applies more to Tazy (darkness thingy, ice cream features).
Narrative - Originality (0.5 Point)
Selene: 0
Tazy: 0.25
Tazy clearly won on originality here. I have never heard of a fighting ice-cream cone before. All the other random crap that Yam did as well helped boost the score in this area - but the poor execution of said stuff lowered Tazy's score in other places.
Nothing much original came from Selene, since much of her posts were simply going over what had happened and writing it in a better way.
Narrative - Gradient And Scaling (1 Point)
Selene: 0.775
Tazy: 0.875
Selene went a bit too fast in places, I'd say. (Ribcage tear? Seriously?) More serious damage was excused due to Tazy directing it upon himself.
General comments:
Tazy was simply outwritten here, probably due to relative writing experience levels.
I am of the opinion that if Tazy had had more experience polishing his posts, he would have beaten Selene. As it stands, his posts were too rough for him to win.
Final Score:
Selene: 6.815
Tazy: 4.57
Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?
-Clifford Stoll
-Clifford Stoll
L007 Vs Phenom
Narrative - General (3.5 Points)
L007: 1.86
Phenom: 2.74
Phenom:
Firstly, a note. If a man attacks a dozen men armed with guns (as Marines would be), wouldn't at least one of them have tried to fire? You should at least mention how that was gotten around (declare the marines be unarmed to start with, mention that the butler was too quick for them to draw their guns...).
The revelation of his master actually being dead was a nice touch.
That ending seems familiar, somehow. *looks at round 1*
Both: I like battlers with defined reasons for fighting. You both didn't really expand upon that part of your stories, but at least some sort of reason was there.
L007:
Where the hell did that boulder come from? Actually, when did the fight teleport to "land"? I reread the battle to that point several times and couldn't find it.
In addition, most Navy ships carry more than 12 crewmen and soldiers. It seems logical that there would be some sort of armed response to an attack right after it happens. Where is it?
Writing - Technique (5 Points)
L007: 3.2
Phenom: 3.78
Phenom: The verb "to rifle" doesn't fit in the way that you put it in the sentence. The questions should be the object of the verb, not the subject, as it is really Reid who is rifling.
Minor spelling mistakes were also present in the piece. ("lacks" should be "slacks" etc)
L007: You need to provide more physical description. It's fine to know that "The Gaia Cleaver looked like it would murder somebody just from its look", but what shape is it?
The sports bra simile really didn't work, unless you really meant he had two mounds on the armor on his chest.
In the part where Reid changes stance, doubling up the usage of the adverb "slightly" could be avoided, and would have made for a better sentence.
Elipsises are always three full stops ("periods" in Amerispeak? not sure), and should have whitespace before and after them. Where you have an elipsis, it is in the middle of a large paragraph, and you are using it at the nominal end of a sentence, consider replacing it with a paragraph break instead. You also have minor tense switching problems ("all feeling a strange pain" should be "all felt a strange pain").
"Reid merely stood his ground, panting from the extreme amount of work he did." That's an example of a sentence that could be improved by removing redundant information. We've just read about Reid performing superhuman/magical feats, and lots of them. It's reasonable to assume they take energy to do. So, you could simply remove the tail of that sentence and be left with something better. "Reid merely stood his ground, panting."
Narrative - Originality (0.5 Point)
L007: 0.02
Phenom: 0.08
L007: You got some minor points in when your char used his attack similar to rocket afterburn.
Phenom: Thrown head? Nice one, you made me laugh right there. STUUUUUUUUURIKE!
Narrative - Gradient And Scaling (1 Point)
L007: 0.75
Phenom: 0.9
Your first battle post was excessive, L007.
Aside from that, decently scaled. Showing damage to yourselves was a good thing.
General comments:
A fairly tight match that could have gone either way with minor changes from each participant. I would have preferred to learn more about the butler's master and the island itself, but oh well. A decent effort from the both of you.
Final Score:
L007: 5.83
Phenom: 7.5
Narrative - General (3.5 Points)
L007: 1.86
Phenom: 2.74
Phenom:
Firstly, a note. If a man attacks a dozen men armed with guns (as Marines would be), wouldn't at least one of them have tried to fire? You should at least mention how that was gotten around (declare the marines be unarmed to start with, mention that the butler was too quick for them to draw their guns...).
The revelation of his master actually being dead was a nice touch.
That ending seems familiar, somehow. *looks at round 1*
Both: I like battlers with defined reasons for fighting. You both didn't really expand upon that part of your stories, but at least some sort of reason was there.
L007:
Where the hell did that boulder come from? Actually, when did the fight teleport to "land"? I reread the battle to that point several times and couldn't find it.
In addition, most Navy ships carry more than 12 crewmen and soldiers. It seems logical that there would be some sort of armed response to an attack right after it happens. Where is it?
Writing - Technique (5 Points)
L007: 3.2
Phenom: 3.78
Phenom: The verb "to rifle" doesn't fit in the way that you put it in the sentence. The questions should be the object of the verb, not the subject, as it is really Reid who is rifling.
Minor spelling mistakes were also present in the piece. ("lacks" should be "slacks" etc)
L007: You need to provide more physical description. It's fine to know that "The Gaia Cleaver looked like it would murder somebody just from its look", but what shape is it?
The sports bra simile really didn't work, unless you really meant he had two mounds on the armor on his chest.
In the part where Reid changes stance, doubling up the usage of the adverb "slightly" could be avoided, and would have made for a better sentence.
Elipsises are always three full stops ("periods" in Amerispeak? not sure), and should have whitespace before and after them. Where you have an elipsis, it is in the middle of a large paragraph, and you are using it at the nominal end of a sentence, consider replacing it with a paragraph break instead. You also have minor tense switching problems ("all feeling a strange pain" should be "all felt a strange pain").
"Reid merely stood his ground, panting from the extreme amount of work he did." That's an example of a sentence that could be improved by removing redundant information. We've just read about Reid performing superhuman/magical feats, and lots of them. It's reasonable to assume they take energy to do. So, you could simply remove the tail of that sentence and be left with something better. "Reid merely stood his ground, panting."
Narrative - Originality (0.5 Point)
L007: 0.02
Phenom: 0.08
L007: You got some minor points in when your char used his attack similar to rocket afterburn.
Phenom: Thrown head? Nice one, you made me laugh right there. STUUUUUUUUURIKE!
Narrative - Gradient And Scaling (1 Point)
L007: 0.75
Phenom: 0.9
Your first battle post was excessive, L007.
Aside from that, decently scaled. Showing damage to yourselves was a good thing.
General comments:
A fairly tight match that could have gone either way with minor changes from each participant. I would have preferred to learn more about the butler's master and the island itself, but oh well. A decent effort from the both of you.
Final Score:
L007: 5.83
Phenom: 7.5
Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?
-Clifford Stoll
-Clifford Stoll