Worst Reviews Ever
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Greatluigi
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- Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2001 2:00 am
- Location: Radioactive Grinnieland
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DaBob-omb
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- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2001 1:00 am
- Location: Funkytown
Super Mario Sunshine
From this point forward, any Mario or Mario-related game that enters this topic that doesn't include Mario jumping on Koopas automatically gets 4 maddies stapled to its ass, and can only sink lower from there. I'm DONE--you hear me?--done with Shigeru Miyamoto flushing the entire Mario series down the toilet. What would happen if the players who were still kids when Super Mario Bros. came out (that would be most of you) had suddenly heard that the next Mario game would involve a vaccuum cleaner? Seriously, would Mario games still be around?
Since I dropped this game within five minutes of playing, and therefore can't write a credible review, I'll just do what any honorable Boston Globe Reporter would do--make this sh*t up. Here goes:
In this game, Mario steals Majora's Vaccuum Cleaner from Link, and uses it to fight the Evil Bond, who has kidnapped Princess Apricot, Mario's new lay. After facing the Fighting Five, known as Dustbuster, Kleenex, ****man, Blow Job, and Suckmaster in a vaccuum cleaning competition, he faces off against the Evil James Bond, who turns into Bowser, who turns into Luigi, who turns into dust, who Mario sucks up with his really small hose and saves the day.
Close enough, right? Who knows? It might even be better than the game.
From this point forward, any Mario or Mario-related game that enters this topic that doesn't include Mario jumping on Koopas automatically gets 4 maddies stapled to its ass, and can only sink lower from there. I'm DONE--you hear me?--done with Shigeru Miyamoto flushing the entire Mario series down the toilet. What would happen if the players who were still kids when Super Mario Bros. came out (that would be most of you) had suddenly heard that the next Mario game would involve a vaccuum cleaner? Seriously, would Mario games still be around?
Since I dropped this game within five minutes of playing, and therefore can't write a credible review, I'll just do what any honorable Boston Globe Reporter would do--make this sh*t up. Here goes:
In this game, Mario steals Majora's Vaccuum Cleaner from Link, and uses it to fight the Evil Bond, who has kidnapped Princess Apricot, Mario's new lay. After facing the Fighting Five, known as Dustbuster, Kleenex, ****man, Blow Job, and Suckmaster in a vaccuum cleaning competition, he faces off against the Evil James Bond, who turns into Bowser, who turns into Luigi, who turns into dust, who Mario sucks up with his really small hose and saves the day.
Close enough, right? Who knows? It might even be better than the game.
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DaBob-omb
- Member
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2001 1:00 am
- Location: Funkytown
Since I feel like getting some reviews done, here goes...
Final Fantasy X
PS2
I decided to play the latest installment to the Final Fantasy series recently. Anyway, am I the only one who thinks Squaresoft has really let itself go?
Sure, this game had unparalleled graphics and battles, but anyone who has read any review posted by me knows that graphics, at least to me, mean precisely d*ck. Much like when I first had a Nintendo 64, I was mesmerized by the graphics for about 5 seconds, then suddenly came to the realization that the game in question sucks harder than Anna Nicole Smith in a room full of dying billionaires.
One of the new "improvements" to the series seems to be the addition of talking. If you ask me, it was a lot better when all I had to do was read and the characters would just shut the hell up. In this game, you play Tidus, an insecure, free-willing, whiny, possibly bisexual character who's known in his homeland of Zanarkand as a star player of the fake underwater sport blitzball, which is very similar to soccer. And why is blitzball determined solely on stats? I mean, I realize this is an RPG and all, but most sports involve a skill of some sort. And how do they get their hair to stay in the same position underwater? Anyway, Tidus gets sucked 1000 years into the future to the land of Spira by Sin, a sea monster who's as big as a city and who has apparently sucked his father into it.
Joining Tidus are a cast of characters that were apparently rejected from all the previous Final Fantasy games. There's Yuna, a summoner, whose main job, to explain it to those who are unfamiliar with the games, is to summon giant Pokémon to the battle. There's Lulu, a black mage, or as they are known to non-FF players, skank ho, who apparently has no self-respect, as you can tell by the way she dresses. Wakka is one of the blitzball players in Spira who coaches the worst blitzball team on the planet. Kihmari is the product of a hallucination created by mixing LSD and margaritas. Auron is the tough player who kicks butt from beginning to end. Last, but not least, we have Rikku, which is proof that Squaresoft is run by perverts. She fights alongside you early on covering everything on the body EXCEPT her tits, ass, and p*ssy. Of course, to hide these closet masturbators' perversion, they make it look like that was just a suit. By the way, if you consider this a spoiler, I don't want to be associated with you.
Of course, with every Final Fantasy game comes a different complicated, overly-elaborate character system that takes a few days to fully understand. FF7 had Materia, FF8 had the impossible Junction system, FF9 had something, and FF10 has the Sphere Grid. If I try to explain it, blood will shoot out my nose.
Of course, no government, business, or religion in a Final Fantasy game has ever been created that wasn't filled with corruption. In this case, it's the Yevon religion, and please tell me you saw this coming a mile away. Square thinks they can still shock us by showing us a deceptive organization that we've seen in all but too many other games. Now, if Yevon had been on my side throughout the entire game, then I would've been thoroughly shocked.
At least all this is better than the ending.
Final Fantasy X
PS2
I decided to play the latest installment to the Final Fantasy series recently. Anyway, am I the only one who thinks Squaresoft has really let itself go?
Sure, this game had unparalleled graphics and battles, but anyone who has read any review posted by me knows that graphics, at least to me, mean precisely d*ck. Much like when I first had a Nintendo 64, I was mesmerized by the graphics for about 5 seconds, then suddenly came to the realization that the game in question sucks harder than Anna Nicole Smith in a room full of dying billionaires.
One of the new "improvements" to the series seems to be the addition of talking. If you ask me, it was a lot better when all I had to do was read and the characters would just shut the hell up. In this game, you play Tidus, an insecure, free-willing, whiny, possibly bisexual character who's known in his homeland of Zanarkand as a star player of the fake underwater sport blitzball, which is very similar to soccer. And why is blitzball determined solely on stats? I mean, I realize this is an RPG and all, but most sports involve a skill of some sort. And how do they get their hair to stay in the same position underwater? Anyway, Tidus gets sucked 1000 years into the future to the land of Spira by Sin, a sea monster who's as big as a city and who has apparently sucked his father into it.
Joining Tidus are a cast of characters that were apparently rejected from all the previous Final Fantasy games. There's Yuna, a summoner, whose main job, to explain it to those who are unfamiliar with the games, is to summon giant Pokémon to the battle. There's Lulu, a black mage, or as they are known to non-FF players, skank ho, who apparently has no self-respect, as you can tell by the way she dresses. Wakka is one of the blitzball players in Spira who coaches the worst blitzball team on the planet. Kihmari is the product of a hallucination created by mixing LSD and margaritas. Auron is the tough player who kicks butt from beginning to end. Last, but not least, we have Rikku, which is proof that Squaresoft is run by perverts. She fights alongside you early on covering everything on the body EXCEPT her tits, ass, and p*ssy. Of course, to hide these closet masturbators' perversion, they make it look like that was just a suit. By the way, if you consider this a spoiler, I don't want to be associated with you.
Of course, with every Final Fantasy game comes a different complicated, overly-elaborate character system that takes a few days to fully understand. FF7 had Materia, FF8 had the impossible Junction system, FF9 had something, and FF10 has the Sphere Grid. If I try to explain it, blood will shoot out my nose.
Of course, no government, business, or religion in a Final Fantasy game has ever been created that wasn't filled with corruption. In this case, it's the Yevon religion, and please tell me you saw this coming a mile away. Square thinks they can still shock us by showing us a deceptive organization that we've seen in all but too many other games. Now, if Yevon had been on my side throughout the entire game, then I would've been thoroughly shocked.
At least all this is better than the ending.
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The Cat
- Member
- Posts: 10046
- Joined: Tue Jun 20, 2000 1:00 am
- Location: Yoshi\'s Island
Hmmmm...Let me try one...
Super Mario Sunshine
When people first heard about this game, they said that it was "gay" because of the name. I disagreed with them and wasted $50 on the game. They were right.
Here's the story...Some freak who "supposedly" looks like Mario has been spreading all this graphitti crap all over the island and Mario has to clean it up. The freak doesn't even look like Mario!
Then comes the game control. Mario has practically the same moves just like in Super Mario 64 except for the fact that Nintendo didn't want any "violence" in the game and decided to prevent Mario from using his fists and his feet. Instead you're stuck with this metal piece of junk that shoots water out. The camera also sucks too. It'll most likely be trapped behind an obstacle and you'll probably just walk off a cliff and listen to the retarted plumber fall to his doom.
Instead of fighting classic enemies like Goombas and Koopas, you're stuck fighting this crap that lives inside the sludge.
The sucky voice acting doesn't help either. Peach's voice is so high and annoying that it will make you want to grab a gun and blast the TV screen to bits.
This game makes Nintendo's image kiddy and should be sent to the eternal flames of hell forever.
Super Mario Sunshine
When people first heard about this game, they said that it was "gay" because of the name. I disagreed with them and wasted $50 on the game. They were right.
Here's the story...Some freak who "supposedly" looks like Mario has been spreading all this graphitti crap all over the island and Mario has to clean it up. The freak doesn't even look like Mario!
Then comes the game control. Mario has practically the same moves just like in Super Mario 64 except for the fact that Nintendo didn't want any "violence" in the game and decided to prevent Mario from using his fists and his feet. Instead you're stuck with this metal piece of junk that shoots water out. The camera also sucks too. It'll most likely be trapped behind an obstacle and you'll probably just walk off a cliff and listen to the retarted plumber fall to his doom.
Instead of fighting classic enemies like Goombas and Koopas, you're stuck fighting this crap that lives inside the sludge.
The sucky voice acting doesn't help either. Peach's voice is so high and annoying that it will make you want to grab a gun and blast the TV screen to bits.
This game makes Nintendo's image kiddy and should be sent to the eternal flames of hell forever.
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DaBob-omb
- Member
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2001 1:00 am
- Location: Funkytown
Super Mario Bros. 3
It's often true with video games that the more sequels you see, the more you regret that the first one was ever made. I mean, Nintendo sure knows how to sell the same game in another package with better graphics and slightly different environments, spending more time making the game seem just "different" enough from its predecessor to be considered another game than what time they spend on creativity, originality, and overall quality.
I bet you can't guess the plot. No, really, come on. Guess! I mean, surely it has nothing to do with a giant turtle kidnapping a princess and a plumber coming to the rescue, would it? I mean, that would lack originality.
Yes, I know I made my point. Everyone has already played this game even before its release, back when it was called Super Mario Bros. The only difference now is that Bowser apparently went on a rampage of wild, anonymous Koopa sex after Mario defeated him and now has 7 illegitimate children called the Koopa Kids, which he apparently dumped in a trash can somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom when Mario beat their repetitive attacks and they generally became a royal pain in the ass.
This game proved to video gamers once and for all that Mario games would never change. And it's only gone downhill from there.
I'll do the others when I'm not tired.
It's often true with video games that the more sequels you see, the more you regret that the first one was ever made. I mean, Nintendo sure knows how to sell the same game in another package with better graphics and slightly different environments, spending more time making the game seem just "different" enough from its predecessor to be considered another game than what time they spend on creativity, originality, and overall quality.
I bet you can't guess the plot. No, really, come on. Guess! I mean, surely it has nothing to do with a giant turtle kidnapping a princess and a plumber coming to the rescue, would it? I mean, that would lack originality.
Yes, I know I made my point. Everyone has already played this game even before its release, back when it was called Super Mario Bros. The only difference now is that Bowser apparently went on a rampage of wild, anonymous Koopa sex after Mario defeated him and now has 7 illegitimate children called the Koopa Kids, which he apparently dumped in a trash can somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom when Mario beat their repetitive attacks and they generally became a royal pain in the ass.
This game proved to video gamers once and for all that Mario games would never change. And it's only gone downhill from there.
I'll do the others when I'm not tired.