The REAL worst reviews

[SuperMarioBro2]

The Zelda series is the most racist I have ever seen. You play as Link, who must save the world from the evil Gannondorf. Now this sounds all innocent enough, but they're is a devious twist.
Link and Zelda both have blue eyes, blonde hair, are tall, and are Hitler's exact envisionment of the "Master Race", the Aryans. Gannondorf, however, is not Aryan, and is also evil. His character traits are a big nose, darkish skin, and he came from the desert after being kicked out by a race of Arabian women called the Gerudo Thieves. He also rose to power through deceit and teachery to the king, and is despised by the common people. And of course Gannondorf also has lots of money and lives in a giant castle, lording over the poor Aryan people. Now which race does this sound like Nintendo is attempting to profile?
In the beginning of the game Zelda warned link that Gannondorf was greedy and would ruin Hyrule, and lo! In the second half of the game Gannondorf indeed ruined the world and plunged it into darkness. Why? Perhaps because Nintendo believes Aryans such as Link and Zelda are the only ones capable of ruling Hryule.
So what does Link do in these dire times? He must defeat the evil semite by gathering the forces of good such as the three gods and the very elements against him. Almost as if Nintendo is implying that we should group together to fight the Semite rulers.
The facts are obvious, but the motives are unclear. Why would Nintendo, a heavily Japanese company, attempt to motivate the youth of America to preform hate crimes against the Jewish minority?

-------------------------------------------------
SuperMarioBro's Random Fact #17: Haha.

[AJ Middleton]

Originally posted by Your move, creep.:
Why would Nintendo, a heavily Japanese company, attempt to motivate the youth of America to preform hate crimes against the Jewish minority?

EXACTLY. That kid just contradicted his whole review. Idiot.

[Beam Yosho the Drunkard]

It's obviously a joke, man.

[AJ Middleton]

Well, this topic is for the REAL worst reviews, so...

[Sim Kid]

Game Summary:
Final Fantasy X is a story about a young man named Tidus and a young woman named Yuna and their adventure to go and defeat a monster called Sin. Yuna is a High Summoner (High Priestess) who is on a pilgrimage with her guardians (her closet friends) to go and defeat Sin. Tidus, who is the main character, joins Yuna on her pilgrimage as one of her guardians. It is a lengthy story and I don't want to give away any major plot points, but here are the basics. Tidus and Yuna learn that Sin can be defeated, but it always comes back. So Tidus and Yuna must find a way to destroy Sin once and for all, while also dealing with corrupt politicians and corrupt holy men. Tidus must also come to peace with a bad relationship he had with his father.

Scoring Note: Each category can earn up to 20 points. The higher the score the more appropriate the game is for family. Please see our grading key to see how these categories break down.

Violence Score: 15 out of 20
Final Fantasy X has a very basic RPG battle system. Simply put, a menu pops up on the screen with a list of options for your character to perform. Once you pick an option, you sit back and watch your character carry it out. There is no blood and no gore in this game.

Language: 15 out of 20
There are a few instances in the game where some minor swearing occurs.

Nudity/Sexual Content: 17 out of 20
Some of the female characters in the game wear clothing that accentuates their sexuality.

Occult/Supernatural: 9 out of 20
Final Fantasy X takes place in a fantasy world called Spira. There is a magic system in Final Fantasy X that allows certain characters to use fire, ice, water or lightning for attacking enemies. Magic can also be used for healing people and curing ailments. The character Yuna can also summon creatures to help fight in battles. As a summoner, it is also Yuna's responsibility to send the spirits of people, after they die, to the Farplane (Spira's afterlife).

Cultural/Moral/Ethical: 18 out of 20
In part of the game, you are required to rebel against authorities, but they are corrupt holy men and corrupt politicians that you are rebelling against.

Also, the character Tidus, deals with hatred towards his father. The story, however, does a good job of reconciliation.

Conclusion:
Final Fantasy X is a fun and entertaining story. My biggest concern with the game is the magic system. This is an imaginary story that takes place in an imaginary land, but the magic in the game is labeled as black and white, which are colors used to describe real occult magic. Children won't learn how to use real occult spells playing this game, but parents should still use caution. Otherwise, except for some minor swearing and minor violence, this is a really fun game. I give it a 74 (C).

Dear lord...The reviewer mentions absolutley NOTHING about graphics, nothing about gameplay, nothing about replayability, nothing about music, and absolutley nothing at all about the actual game besides stuff some heavy-religious people may find inappropriate.

Samurai Jack The Shadow of Aku is based off of the popular cartoon series, Samurai Jack, which airs on Cartoon Network. The game closely follows the premise of the cartoon series in which Samurai Jack must find a time portal to travel back in time to defeat the evil wizard Aku. In the game you play as Samurai jack and you must complete different levels fighting Aku's minions who consist mainly of robots and monsters. It is also your objective to rescue people and creatures who have been imprisoned by Aku and to collect ancient relics which allow you to gain power-ups when you have collected the required amount.

Scoring Note: Each category can earn up to 20 points. The higher the score the more appropriate the game is for family. Please see our grading key to see how these categories break down.

Violence Score: 13 out of 20
Killing Non-Human Fictional Beings (-7)

To complete each level you are required to fight Aku's minions who consist mainly of robots and monsters. Your weapons are your sword, throwing stars and a bow and arrow. After defeating an enemy, they disappear. There is no blood or gore in this game.

Language: 20 out of 20
There is no foul language in this game.

Nudity/Sexual Content: 20 out of 20
There is no nudity or sexual content in this game.

Occult/Supernatural: 17 out of 20
Fairy Tale Type Magic is used in game by player. (-3)

Your arch nemesis Aku is a wizard and you are required to fight many monsters and mystical creatures. After you rescue a certain number of prisoners, you will gain certain abilities for your sword like a flaming sword. You also have a Zen meter which allows you to fight in bullet time (slow motion). Also, the relics you are required to collect appear to be modeled off of Asian idols. The relics, however, only serve purpose to act as tokens to increase your health meter and other power ups.

Cultural/Moral/Ethical: 20 out of 20
Cultural, moral and ethical values do not play a negative role in this game.

Conclusion:
Samurai Jack is a fun and simple game that fans of the cartoon series should enjoy. I was surprised at the T rating it received from the ESRB. I honestly think it should have been rated E. I give Samurai Jack a 90 (A-) for mild violence.

...You call yourself a reviewer? When you review a game, you talk about the STORY, the GRAPHICS, the MUSIC, the CONTROL, the REPLAYABILITY, and the GAMEPLAY. If this is to inform parents on whether a game is appropriate or inappropriate, we have the RATINGS.

In the far future, a female scientist, Shion Uzuki, is feverishly working on her latest project, a battle android designed to combat a ghostly alien menace known as the Gnosis. When the Gnosis attack the Shion’s warship, her android comes to life and takes the fight to the Gnosis. Now Shion, KOS-MOS, and various allies must wage a desperate struggle against the Gnosis—as well as other, more familiar enemies—in order to save the human race.

The most noteworthy feature of Xenosaga (besides the twisting, turning, headache-inducing story) is its lavish cut-scenes. These non-interactive, three-dimensional film sequences advance the story and take up a good portion of the playing time. In a sense, Xenosaga is a movie trapped in a game’s format; during one cut-scene, I popped a bag of popcorn. The popcorn was finished before the scene was. (I later timed that scene as lasting 45 minutes.)

Scoring Note: Each category can earn up to 20 points. The higher the score the more appropriate the game is for family. Please see our grading key to see how these categories break down.

Violence: 7 out of 20
People killing people in self-defense (Ex. Medal of Honor) (-8 pts)
Puddle of Blood occurs when a character dies (-3 pts)
Bodies do not disappear after death (-2 pts)

While combat is a relatively standard RPG affair, the same cannot be said for the in-game cut-scenes. In an early scene (where the player is introduced to the Gnosis), some very bloody battles are fought between the Gnosis and the shipboard army; while playing, many bodies are strewn about the level. It’s also worth noting that in two separate levels, at least one of the player’s characters will use guns against other humans.

Language: 12 out of 20
Swear Words found in a PG-13-rated movie are used in the game (-8 pts)

One of the main characters, a redheaded boy of about 12, is surprisingly profane when under duress. In addition, the military types tend to use indelicate language when no females are about, though it’s nothing that couldn’t be found in a PG-13 movie.

Nudity/Sexual Content: 11 out of 20
Character’s clothing is sexy or accentuates their sexuality (Ex. tight clothing or low cleavage) (-3 pts)
Sex outside of marriage is shown as positive in the game. (- 6 pts)

An extremely creepy and violent scene near the end seems to take on sexual undertones, making the whole sequence rather appalling. I almost stopped playing because of that scene. Clothing-wise, Mary and Shelley, two minor characters, have a fan club because of how attractive they look. A scene at the end shows two characters cuddling; it’s unclear whether or not they are married throughout the game.

Occult/Supernatural: 3 out of 20
Game takes place in an environment that is filled with major occult references. (-10 pts)
Borderline magic (hard to tell if occult) is used by player. (-7 pts)

This game really plays with fire. It throws around references to many philosophers and world religions (including Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Shinto, Hinduism, Jainism, Sikhism, and so on) in a cavalier manner which does not show proper reverence. As an example, twelve of the most powerful objects in the game are named for the Twelve Disciples. The game’s magic system tries to disguise itself as an “ether” system, but the disguise is rather transparent. One of the player-controlled characters also makes his living as a “spiritualist” of an undefined religion.

Cultural/Moral/Ethical: 15 out of 20
Game demeans family respect and authority. (-2 pts)
Poor value decisions are promoted through the game, but not required to progress. (-3 pts)

Shion Uzuki shows some disregard for her family…what is left of it, at any rate. She accuses her brother of wasting his life, though this is not the case, and refuses to visit him until after her work is finished, which could take years. Some of the characters in the game also make pretty poor decisions about what to do with their lives, though these decisions are not without consequences.

Conclusion:
I would like to mention that far from being a prejudicial game, Xenosaga is very positive in its stereotype-breaking nature. The ladies have intelligence at least on a par with the men (Shion is a scientist, and Mary and Shelley aren’t just pretty faces.) Characters of different races and nationalities work together to achieve their goals. Representative Helmer, a powerful character in the game’s universe, is of African origin, and other characters, both good and evil, are Russian, Japanese, and British in origin, just to name a few. Xenosaga spends a large amount of time at the Kukai Foundation, where individuals who have altered bodies or minds as a result of experimentation gone awry are given a safe haven and the opportunity to work towards their own self-betterment, as well as that of the Foundation, a miniature world in itself. Still, this cannot efface the game’s many faults.

Xenosaga is a game which deserves both respect and admonition. Its gameplay is well done, and its cinematics and storyline are tours de force. Unfortunately, its use of religion and philosophy for shock value is tasteless, and the same can be said for its sexually-based scenes. It’s a pity that a game which could have been very good was instead soured. Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht receives a 48 (F) for using religious topics for their shock value, a graphic sexually-based scene, and gun violence.

You do realize that not all of us take games seriuosly, right? Like 99 out of 100 people can distinguish reality from Video games, and just because of that one person who can't distinguish video games from reality, you make fake-ass-reviews saying "Don't play this game because it has a good story!" or "Don't go anywhere near this game or the amount of Violence in this game will poison your mind and make you one of the Xbox hippies who think a game sucks because it has no blood!". Well open your eyes dudes-The whole world is not like the 1 out of 100 that thinks video games are real or who'll give up their religion for video games. Most of us can tell what's real and what's not-and unfortunatley, those fake-ass-reviews are for real.

And if you can't distinguish Reality from Virtual Reality, then you must NOT play video games, because that will only turn these people on. (And they put the game reviews under "Computer games".)

[superplyr10]

I know, I know. You looked at the score and asked,''how in God's name can anyone score a game in the Metroid Franchise, let alone a well built one, with such a poor rating?'' To be fair, if this game had a different title (space bunnies must die, or kill all bugs) I may have thought differently, but this is Metroid we are talking about and there is a legacy to be honored. Also, if you were to cut the game into two sections (the first 10 hours and the last 7 minutes), I would give the first section a 9 or 10. The last seven minutes (I will not spoil it for you if you have not played it), however, negates all you hard work and investment into the intricate maze you have run. We are left with an uncreative, unsatisfying cop-out. I will explain but first.....

Part 1 of the review. The first 10 hours.

Graphics 10: I had my doubts when the announcement came out that this game was going to be converted from it's 2-D platform view to a first person perspective. My doubts were quashed in the first hour of play as my attention was totaled focused on the gorgeous display system. It certainly does not feel like a FPS, instead the programmers fully utilize the advantages of a first person perspective using lighting, reflection, spatial distortion (when you fire your main weapon on charge, there is a very cool ripple effect) that you would not fully appreciate from a third person view. The levels are well thought out and mapped as a giant labyrinth that you gain better access to, just as in the previous Metroid games. When you morph into ball mode, the view becomes third person so that you can smoothly navigate the environment. Graphically stunning.

Sound 6: The music is a constant drone in the background with some remixing from previous games' music. Nothing to write home about, but decently done. It maintains the mood and doesn't get distracting. Sound effects and positioning of sound as you are attacked from different directions are also decently done, nothing mind-blowing but solidly done.

Gameplay 9: There is ample work done here to solve the problem all FPS have, namely: feeling like you're sliding around on ice skates. Most FPS's movements are not even close to actual walking/running/jumping, and so the subsequent ''sliding'' effect really gets distracting and even a little silly. And no, simply adding an algorithm to ''bob'' the camera up and down does not fix the problem (now I'm skating around on a pogo stick, great!). Metroid Prime does what it can to keep from distracting you with alien movements. There is some attention given to camera angle changes depending on what you are doing, and enough variability is given in up/down/side to side reactions to somewhat negate the inevitable FPS ice skates we all put on to play Castle Wolfenstein (the old one) all the way up to the Unreal series. The jumping could do with some work as it feels a bit like bouncing on springs (actually spinning during the double jump would have been nice, but I guess that would really have been disorienting when trying to land on a ledge and not fall a 1000 feet). The weapons are similar to what you are used to in Metroid with much better graphics, but it's the visor interface which really makes the game shine. Learning to use the different viewing and scanning modes is key to unlocking the game's secrets and also to defeating the bosses. Figuring out which weapon/visor combination and pattern you need to take out the boss is probably the best part of the game.

Storyline 10: There is an excellent set of revelations, slowly released through your finding and examining artifacts and records left behind by both the enigmatic Chozo as well as your adversaries. To satisfy both the adventure game enthusiast as well as the action game nut, this storyline is mostly optional. You can disregard it, or try to find all the scannable items to fully flesh out the background. This is a first in the Metroid line, as the only info we really had before was that Metroids suck energy, Mother Brain just plain sucks, and Samus had to kill both (except for that one we liked in Super Metroid).

Given all this, the main portion of the game scores a 9 or 10 but....

Now onto Part II: the last 7 minutes

I will not tell you what happens story or event-wise to avoid spoiling the ending, but the events are not what we care about anyway. The important part is ''how'' the end portion of the game is delivered.

Take into account that for the last few days of gameplay, we have been treated to dazzling visuals, a smooth fighting system, and most importantly, a well built map which releases areas in a non-linear fashion. Because the map is so fun to navigate, and new areas are released by puzzles or quests to locate items, the pacing of the game is maintained masterfully. But here at the end, it seems the creators run out of juice, got tired, and fell back on old #2.

What is #2 you ask?

The old schoolers will know what I am talking about when I say that when you boil it down, there are only two ways to increase the difficulty in a game.

The first way is to be creative, and challenge the player to think or react in an interesting manner (example: the bosses in Metroid can theoretically be defeated without you ever getting hit, the key is finding out what their weakness is and exploiting it). This method utilizes development of clever AI (like the soldiers searching for you in Metal Gear Solid), or as in Metroid's case, careful planning of characters and layout.

The second way, which should be made illegal, is just to ''crank it up'' which I am referring to as #2. This is where: the enemy is made 4 times faster than you, is given a trillion hit points, always blocks perfectly, is invincible (stupid), etc. Basically, when a designer decides to take a #2 (pun intended), they just make the game tedious, not fun. They decide cranking up the statistic on something is easier to do, than making it interesting (oh, I'll just crank up the speed/hitpoints/etc)

Ex. It's fun when you have to figure out a pattern to defeat a boss. It's not fun when you have to repeat the pattern 300 times in order to hit the boss enough times to kill him, it's boring.

The last area of the game is designed totally differently from the rest of the game. First of all, it's just a really high room...... great. And wow, this is original, it’s a bunch of floating platforms. Hmmm that's new. Oh okay, and now I have just jump from platform to platform and not mess up (not really a measure of skill, just measuring how many mistakes you can make when you have to do the same crap action 100 times in a row). How else can we make the game interesting?.... I know, let's have for the last area of the game only, invincible, constantly replicating enemies harassing you while you try to make it up the 100 platforms. Stupid. What happened? Did the creative team who designed the rest of the game get assassinated, and their less talented, less intelligent evil twin finish the last part???

I mean, it wasn’t hard or anything, just lame. I found myself blinking and staring at the screen wondering where Metroid Prime went and who popped in this craptastic game into my Gamecube. Was it a joke? Perhaps I was hallucinating. Maybe it was the day old sushi I just ate. Sadly, I was not dying of food poisoning. There in all its splendor was the crucial last portion of the game. All the indicators of pulling a #2 were in place: invincible/infinite enemies (they are not really invincible, but you'll see what I mean when you play it), a long tedious hop-scotch level, and although the final boss is very well designed, the trillion hitpoint thing gets old really fast. I felt like I was a worker in Ford's factory, doing the some lame action a thousand times in a row (turn the handle, press the door, turn the handle, press the door, turn the handle..... zzzzzzzzzz) praying that Metroid would run out of hit points before I fell asleep or I would have to start again from the beginning of the crap platforms.

So mathematicians out there will wonder how I am scoring this a 3. Even if the last section was given a 0, it's only a small part of the game, it shouldn't figure in that much. Au contraire.

Playing the final moments was like enjoying a fine wine, and discovering a dead rat at the bottom of the bottle right as you are taking your last sip. Like reading a murder mystery and being gripped by it all the way through until you discover in the last chapter...... a recipe for quiche. Bad quiche.

A plethora or more inappropriate analogies come to mind, but you get the idea.

At heart, we are happiest when we work. That's why easy things aren't satisfying. We feel best when we've accomplished something, achieved a goal, overcome an obstacle. But that work has to be challenging, not tedious and repetitive. No one says when they are young ''I want to stamp car parts when I grow up.'' This being so, why on God's green earth would I want to do something inane and repetitive when I am playing a game. This is supposed to be recreation!!! Even the Japanese ''job'' based games, pick somewhat interesting jobs (managing a sports team, driving, breeding and racing horses), they do NOT pick car part stamping or toilet cleaning.

So why after a masterpiece of a game are we suddenly tortured with repetitive, frustrating tasks? If the majority of the game hadn't been so great, this last part wouldn't be so frustrating. However, your expectations of a finish are fairly well established by the end, so there is a long way to fall, both literally and otherwise.

Conclusion:

This was truly an innovative and well-built game. It's sad that we have to finish it with a sour taste as the opening and middle portions entertain and thrill. I don't think it was laziness or uncreative writers that caused this to happen. We all have paradigms of what the end of a game is supposed to be like, and back when technology and AI development was weaker, many game writers had to fall back on old #2. Unfortunately, I think most of the old school gamers and new generation gamers, still carry that paradigm around, and they robotically ''add'' the cranked up final parts, because they think we, the gaming public expect, or even want it. We don't. Don't get me wrong, I love the Metroid series, including this game. I applaud the teams throughout the NES, SNES, Gameboy and Gamecube eras who have stepped up to the challenge of living up to a legacy. This game should have ended as it began, with innovation, creativity, and intelligent planning. It is a shame that the creators felt too frightened to just leave out the concept of cranking up stats, just because its always been done.

I don't have anything to say about this review except, THE LAST 8 MINUTES???!!!???

[The Yoshimaster]

Yoshi's Island:

Super Mario World 2. This is a rather interesting game, in my opinion. A lot of people (well, almost everyone) seemed to absolutely love this game. That is not, however, enough for me, because guess what, I did not enjoy playing this game much at all. It has to be one of my worst Super Nintendo games of all time, and I don’t really know why but I just completely hated this game and everything about it. The graphics, the game play, everything about this game I just absolutely hated.

Maybe it was the fact I had been a fan of all of the other Super Mario Brothers games, especially Super Mario World, so I expected this game to deliver just as much fun as the other games in the series. It does try some rather innovative ideas, I do admit, but this is definitely one of the worst Super Nintendo games I have ever played, in my eyes. I could not think of a single good quality of this terrible game, as it is just absolutely horrid.

Now, before you start flaming me or whatnot, hear me out. I can understand why people enjoyed this game. It is a rather fun game, on paper. It also provides some rather innovative ideas to a tired series. Unfortunately, I absolutely hated this game and all of its innovative qualities. The simple fact that this game tried some new ideas is a good quality, and if you enjoyed the innovative qualities that the game provided, then that is great, have fun playing it. I am just here to tell you that some people (not many) did not like this game.

One of the many innovations to the game is the fact that Mario is no longer the main character you control. Yes, instead of controlling Mario, you control his dinosaur pal Yoshi, and this is where one of the many innovative ideas kick in. See, Mario is a baby in this game, so he is in a little bubble. When Yoshi gets hit, Mario gets thrown off of Yoshi and starts crying inside the bubble, and a little timer starts to count down. You have to collect Mario within the 10 second time frame or you will die. Just another innovative concept and one I did not particularly like.

Another addition to the game is the fact that this is a fairly non-linear game that features lots of secrets. This is certainly a good concept, because I have always preferred non-linear games. Most of this comes from the world map itself, which is decidedly different than the world map featured in the original Super Mario World. There are also plenty of mini games, extra stages, bonus levels, etc, but I did not have fun at all while actually playing the game.

I think the biggest reason why I did not like this game is the fact that it is so decidedly different than the other games in the series, that it got rather confusing to play after a while. Sure, the innovative game play ideas are a great idea, as you may have expected. But still, the basic game play did not appeal to me at all, because it tried so much different stuff. This is like the Super Mario Brothers 2 of the Super Nintendo world, and it did not appeal to me, sort of like Super Mario Brothers 2 did not appeal to me either. I certainly did prefer the original Super Mario to this game, without a doubt.

Graphically, this is one of the best looking Super Nintendo games yet. Mode 7 effects about in this game, and the backgrounds in the game are simply amazing and very colorful. The enemy designs in the game are some of the most unique I have ever seen in a video game, and the wide variety of enemy designs in the game is definitely a welcome sign in my eyes. You will be able to notice classic enemies from the older games in this series featured in the game. This is always a good sign. This is definitely one of the best looking games on the Super Nintendo, and I wish the rest of the game was as good as the graphics, because then this would have been a classic game!

Music in the game is varied. I think the biggest problem I had with the music in this game is the fact that it sounded very kiddy for my tastes. Otherwise, the music in the game is pretty damn good, nothing special. I did enjoy some of the boss themes, however, and the world map music is rather spiffy. ^_^ Sound effects in the game are basic Mario fare all the way.

GOOD POINTS AND BAD POINTS

Good Points
-Great graphics, some of the best yet seen on the SNES

Bad Points
-Unappealing game play.
-Tedious controls
-Annoying, kiddy music

Overall, this is one of the most disappointing games I have ever played, and trust me, I have played my fair share of them. I expected this game to be somewhat decent and I turned out to hate the game. Oh well, there is always Banjo Kazooie.. oh wait, I hated that game even more. Darn.

GAME SCORES

Graphics – 9/10
Music/Sound – 3/10
Gameplay/Control – 1/10
Replay – Medium
Challenge – Medium
Overall – 1/10

Another review where the guy spends most of his time ranting about how poor it is. In this case, though, the guy wasn't even clear about what he didn't like about the game (I have a feeling that he didn't even know what it was, either). And, with such a strong rating as 1/10, that's not good.

[OcarinaMan]

Ocarina of Time:

THE GOOD:
Everything
THE BAD:
not enuf to do, there should have been like 2 cartriges or something.

SUMMARY:
OK...i know i should have done this game a long time ago but i got side tracked on the PS2, GC, and Halo (not XBOX, just Halo), Sorry. Anyway, so...I'm wandering around Hyrule and this big ghost pops outta the ground and I'm like AHHHHHHHH!! Holy S*** a ghost just popped outta the ground and so I killed it and caught it in a bottle and put it on my mantle. THE END.

j/k So this game is awesome because it is everything that Zelda should be...almost. Wind Waker encompassed more of this, but this isn't a Wind Waker review is it. Anyway, so, as Link you have to get some pendents as a kid, grab the master sword, open the door of time, and then dispense some indiscreminent justice on some seriously demented ass as an adult. 10 temples (some arent exactly full temples but still are big enuf to qualify), plenty of side quests, hidden weapons, great puzzles, cool grafix, and one kick ass final boss (of course when was Ganon not cool) make this game rock the party hard. Link certainly has his work cut out for him in this one. I'm in the middle of playing it again right now. It's so cool. The Fire temple is the best. And a little hint here for those of you who never played or dont know about it: Talk to the scarecrows by the lake. They will help you get to unreachable places

THE GOOD:
I loved this game ever since it came out~ It was soooo fun to play as young and adult link
THE BAD:
The graphics, I know this is the 90's graphics but COMEON! They could at least put a little better graphics.

SUMMARY:
And now I will make a new song with my friend!

link is MINE!!!!MINE!!!MINE!!!!!!
Thats' wot my friend put, not me. She LOVES him, you can never get her out of that...0_0;;;

Ye Oldie Gameie We loveif you (If?)
This game's graphics sux
Be we don't mind that.
Cus we know so....

*Chorus*
Best Game in it's time..
1990!
Best Game in that year
1990
You Ye Oldie Gameie
We Loveith You

LINK is so cute as a kid
and Hott (my friend put this too) as an adult
ZELDA is always there for you
GANNONDORK we hate you!
SARIA we love your song cus It's so pretty
MALON your voice is better than this songg...
SAGES thanks for helping
RUTO you have a good eye cus your sense of guys is good (friend)

*Chorus*
WE LOVE YOU ZELDA!!!!
Thank you nintendo!

THE GOOD:
Everything
THE BAD:
Nothing

SUMMARY:
Let me start out with saying...I love you Link! You are mine! You are so hot! Okay. Got that over with. Now I really liked Zelda but she stole my man! Malon was really cool and then again so was Saria and everyone else! Hyrule Castle was the best castle ever and I liked when u had to sneak in to meet the princess and she starts balbbing about her dream and stuff. I also like the Ocarina. That thing is cool and I want one for me! This game was definately better than Mojora's Mask. That wasnt such a good game and it really didnt have a good plot besides collecting gay masks. One of my other favorite characters was Navi! I love Navi! I think she is really cool and clumsy like me. I also liekd Skull Kid and Impa and Sheik and Nobooru and that blue girl that loves Link and I forgot her name. She was that Zora or something. Sorry havent played th game in a while. I really liked the game and it was cool and sad and cool and sad and cool and sad. Okay...that is all for my review...buy this game....

[Sim Kid]

^Wow. Noobirific.

[OcarinaMan]

Ye Oldie Gameie We loveif you (If?)
This game's graphics sux
Be we don't mind that.
Cus we know so....

*Chorus*
Best Game in it's time..
1990!
Best Game in that year
1990
You Ye Oldie Gameie
We Loveith You

LINK is so cute as a kid
and Hott (my friend put this too) as an adult
ZELDA is always there for you
GANNONDORK we hate you!
SARIA we love your song cus It's so pretty
MALON your voice is better than this songg...
SAGES thanks for helping
RUTO you have a good eye cus your sense of guys is good (friend)

*Chorus*
WE LOVE YOU ZELDA!!!!
Thank you nintendo!

Wow. This is even worse than the Zelda commercial rap.

[Sim Kid]

After gorging himself of late night pizza and pasta, Mario was poked in the belly by the belligerent Shiggy! “Wake up! Time to go save the Princess again!” exclaimed Shiggy. “Hey! I want-a more break time.” muttered our portly plumber. “Bah! It’s time for your 3D appearance!” yelled back the angry Shiggy. “I’m-a too sleepy!” answered Mario. “Fine, then I guess Sonic was right about you being a big fat loser!” said Shiggy. Mario opened his eyes wide and with a deep booming voice said, “SONIC! I’ll show that no good mammal punk!” Shiggy feared Mario was just too fat to go back to his old ways, so Shiggy thought he’d maybe tweak the gameplay a little with the 3D hardware. UH-OH! Sounds like bad news to me!

He starts off complaining how much he hates the game.

However Mario has put on a few pounds since his last encounter with the turtle of evil, and now he can’t stand combat.

Huh? Combat worked rather well for me and almost everyother person I know who played the game.

Our hero’s main goal is no longer getting to the end of a stage but rather collecting 120 magical stars hidden throughout the Mushroom Kingdom’s castle. This is the tragic flaw with SM64 that destroys it. The star collecting brings a spiral of flaws into this somewhat boring title.

It's better than just getting to the end of the stage, and the stars add some replay value.

...the first star in the game requires Mario to travel up a mountain and fight a boss. The boss is WAY too easy...

Most first bosses are.

At first you have many levels at your fingertips, but as you go on and collect stars there will be fewer and fewer stages appearing.

[SARCASM] Really?! I didn't know that! [/SARCASM]

In addition almost every enemy can be beaten with one punch.

And almost every enemy in the OLD mario games could be beaten with just one jump too, ya know.

Swimming levels have returned in full 3D, and it’s extremely dull and tedious. Mario swims very slowly, probably a forth of his running speed.

Hey, do you swim as fast as you run? Most people don't, so I suggest you shut up unless Mario was supposed to be an olympic-swimmer.

The graphics are horrible!

Compared to what exactly? When compared today's standards, you're dead on, but seeing as the standards back when this game was released were lower, and that this was Nintendo's first attempt at 3D...

Everything in this entire game is blocky. Mario looks so fat from his rectangular stomach.

He says this like that's something only Nintendo's done.

In addition there is a lot of fog throughout this title - but luckily it doesn’t hinder the gameplay.

I don't remember much fog, but it's been awhile since I played it so he may be right.

but the worst part is the lack of familiar Mario music.

Just because theyr'e new doesn't mean they suck you bonehead!

I was very disappointed to only hear two or three familiar tunes from the beloved series.

Remixing can only go so far you know.

Also being the first Nintendo 64 game, it gave me a bleak outlook on the future of N64 music. The synth was absolutely horrible - the Super Nintendo sounds better then this thing. That’s not a good sign - when your old system sounds better then the new one.

It sounds like he's judging the whole system from just one game. It makes up for it with Voice-overs, which he mentioned later on.

[OcarinaMan]

This is one of the best games that I have ever played and is one of the best games that was ever made. I have a feeling that this game will become a million seller because of its quality. When I first heard that this game was coming out, I said to myself that I didn’t want to get the game because it was another game that would take a long time to beat. When I first tried it, it turned out to be a great game so then I bought it.

In this game, you are Link (or you can make any name you want) and you are trying to stop the evil Ganondorf, the Gerudo king of thieves. Ganondorf is trying to take over Hyrule and the world. On your quest, you will find many items that will be useful, such as the Ocarina of Time. You will also get help from people, such as the six sages. There will be many enemies who will try to stop you, such as Queen Gohma. You will also make friends, like Darunia.

The graphics in this game are great. You are in a 3d world. The camera view is a great thing too. Another great thing is the Z-targeting method. The sound is also great. You can learn songs on your ocarina and you can make up your own songs.

I haven’t beaten the game yet, but I know I will play it again after I beat it. There are many things to do after you beat it. You can go around and play the games found around Hyrule. You can ride your horse around Hyrule field. There are many things to do.

I would buy this game and not rent it because you wouldn’t get much accomplished if you just rented it (unless you stayed up all night). You could still have fun if you rented the game though. You could go play the games. I would recommend this game to anyone who loves adventure.

This gives no info on gameplay or anything else BUT graphics.

[Sim Kid]

Now, I've been a Sonic Fan since Sonic The Hedgehog made its debut on the Mega Drive in 1991. One may go so far as to call me a Fanboy;I know I've definitely been one in the past. However, you will find no traces of Fanboy-ism in this review. It's not how I operate. Anyway, moving on.

When I first heard of Sonic Heroes, I was, without a shadow of a doubt, excited. Why wouldn't I be? A new Sonic game was being released; it was only natural for me to get excited. Of course, when I got more details, my anticipation level dropped dramatically. It involved this whole "teamwork"; concept. That, my friends, was a new gimmick, a thing that has ruined a lot of games in the past, and I'm sure will do so in the future.

I was, admittedly, quite shocked at Sonic Team. Why incorporate such a silly new style of gameplay into an already very successful game series with a system that works fantastically for it already? Whenever did you need three characters to navigate a Sonic level? Sonic could do it perfectly well (and with a lot of style) on his own in the 2D games, and equally as well after his transition to the third dimension. So, what's changed this time around to make it so difficult for the Sonic gang to navigate and complete an area without the aid of two of their friends?

The answer to that question is: Nothing. Nothing has changed at all that would make it any more difficult for Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, Rouge, or any other character from the world of Sonic to get through the areas littered with conveniences that allow them to progress very easily.

Sonic Heroes is a game that sees you taking control of teams composed of three characters from the Sonic universe, to navigate certain areas, beat certain bad guys, and, as always, stop some plot from causing disaster. There are a variety of teams, all with their own special abilities, but the basic goal is always the same. That is, run to somewhere or find something, and you end it. All of this would be fine, except for the one problem:

The new system. Sonic games have always really been about speed, getting to the end of a topsy-turvy, crazy level as fast as you can, without losing your life-sustaining rings, and beating the boss at the end. This, as many of you readers will know very well, is the Sonic Magic. The basic yet highly addictive concept that made all of the Sonic games so fantastic and worth playing all the time. The problem started, really, from the transition to 3D, and the Sonic Adventure games. These games threw out the speed factor to incorporate adventuring and exploration sides of the Sonic world, which was, as people have noted, a bad move.

Sonic Heroes is a game that has attempted to remedy this problem by removing such a heavy adventuring influence, and re-injecting the same speed gaming that made the 2D Sonic games a true gem of a gaming experience. It is good to see that Sonic Team learned from their mistakes;or did they? While they have indeed succeeded in removing adventure and adding speed, they've failed in achieving the same Sonic atmosphere that made the series so good. With three characters running around all at once, it's totally impossible to get the same thrill of dashing through a level, blasting badniks, and moving on right away.

At pretty much any point, with any team, you are able to switch around the character of whom you have primary control. This is so that certain tasks can be completed which the other two characters in your team are unable to do. So, we have strategizing going on, making the game less fun already. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a good strategy game, I'd just rather the element worked, and wasn't clumsily thrown into a Sonic game. You can't have planning and strategy while also having speed. The two do not co-exist with one another, unless you play the same level over and over again, memorize the layout, and what appears where. Where's the fun in doing that? It's not there at all.

Graphics-wise, the game is a nice touch, and a nice improvement. It's a slight (but only very slight) improvement on the Sonic Adventure games, and it still retains all of the vibrant colours and unique designs that I've always admired from Sonic Team in all Sonic games. The areas are indeed, well designed, still holding the key elements of all Sonic areas, ledges, springs, loop-the-loops, etc. As for the characters, they are a joy to control (when you're not tearing your hair out at how useless or annoying they're being), and I'm sure if this game were a movie, I'd watch it. I must stress though, that this is one of the three redeeming features this game has, yet even combined, the three do not redeem it well enough, and as such, do not prevent it from getting the score I have 'awarded' it.

Moving onto Audio, this game has its good and bad points. The sounds in general are clear, crisp, and go well with the settings. It is at this point, that I said I would find myself on Sound-Test mode all day, listening to the songs because they're so catchy and fantastic. However, this could not be further from the truth.

Now, we see the not-so-welcome return of the character theme tunes, but this time, it's all based off teams. How fantastic. Oh, and the songs are even worse than from the Adventure games. To me, they’re an overly emotional mix of words that simply do not suit who the characters are, and certainly do not suit the Sonic genre whatsoever. My other gripe in terms of sounds is the voice acting. Horrible. Simply horrible. Thats all I have to say on the matter, and I shall now move on before I say things I may well regret in the future. Moving swiftly on

The multiplayer mode, surprisingly enough, is not one of the games redeeming features. Sonic games have always been more focused on Single player fun, and this game is no exception. The Multiplayer mode, while it does have quite a few neat little extras, modes, character skins, etc, still wears thin faster than a piece of string on fire. It is very entertaining at some points though, and I say you can definitely have a very fun time with more than 2 players. Doesn’t quite match up to the likes of Mario kart, but it’s still a decent multiplayer, overall.

Replayability level is low. Very low. I found no urge to play this game again, and the usual challenge of Emblems and A ranks to get mediocre rewards is still not enough to keep me coming back to the game.

As for whether you should Rent or Buy, I say avoid like the plague. If you really are that desperate to see if I’m wrong or not though, I suggest renting the game first.

Final Verdict: If you’re not a Sonic Fan, this won’t change your view. If you are a Sonic Fan, this game is a disappointment. However, if you’re a fanboy who’d play this game no matter what it was like, I’d say nothing of it, because my Review would not influence you at all.. The game is disappointing overall, its only redeeming features being the slight graphical improvements, the half-decent gameplay, and Metallix (Metal Sonic to all of you wrong people). I say Metallix is a redeeming feature, only because I like him though. Bit biased, but whatever.

While it is a long review, you can obviously see that he has much to learn about the game himself. If you are going to review, you should at least play more than just the first few minutes of the game. (I saw quite a few stupid reviews of people who gave various hints that they didn't even beat half the game)

Whenever did you need three characters to navigate a Sonic level?

Ever heard that expression "There is no 'I' in the word 'team'"?

So, what's changed this time around to make it so difficult for the Sonic gang to navigate and complete an area without the aid of two of their friends?

Ever wonder why Tails couldn't help you in the first sonic games? Here, he does.

The answer to that question is: Nothing. Nothing has changed at all that would make it any difficult for Sonic, Tails, Kuckles, Shadow, Rougue, or any other character in the sonic uinverse.

So how would Knuckles be able to fly over a 35 foot gap or shimmy up a pole?

There are a variety of teams, all with their own special abilities, but the basic goal is always the same.

There, he just gave a major hint that he hasn't even played the entire game.

The problem started, really, from the transition to 3D, and the Sonic Adventure games. These games threw out the speed factor to incorporate adventuring and exploration sides of the Sonic world, which was, as people have noted, a bad move.

That was Sega trying something new. This game has enough "speed through the loop-the-loops" already, and the others do too.

With three characters running around all at once, it's totally impossible to get the same thrill of dashing through a level, blasting badniks, and moving on right away.

He says that like the characters aren't programmed to follow you.

At pretty much any point, with any team, you are able to switch around the character of whom you have primary control. This is so that certain tasks can be completed which the other two characters in your team are unable to do.

That sorta sounds like he's saying the other characters are just programmed to stand there going "Duuuuuuuh" when you find robots.

So, we have strategizing going on, making the game less fun already.

SO?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a good strategy game, I'd just rather the element worked, and wasn't clumsily thrown into a Sonic game.

...You know, not all of us like just repeating the same process over and over again.

You can't have planning and strategy while also having speed

We have those gates that automatically change the leader and STOPPING for that reason.

Now, we see the not-so-welcome return of the character theme tunes, but this time, it's all based off teams.

Would you rather Sega thinks up 12 different tunes?

To me, they’re an overly emotional mix of words that simply do not suit who the characters are, and certainly do not suit the Sonic genre whatsoever.

Here, he gives us another hint that he's yet to finish the game.

My other gripe in terms of sounds is the voice acting. Horrible. Simply horrible.

Really? I think there's a bug in my game and almost everybody else's game that makes the Voice Acting sound like they actually fit the characters.

Replayability level is low. Very low. I found no urge to play this game again, and the usual challenge of Emblems and A ranks to get mediocre rewards is still not enough to keep me coming back to the game

And here is yet ANOTHER hint that he's yet to finish the game. Did you know that there are CHAOS EMERALDS to gather, getting "a" ranks and emblems with EVERY TEAM? Those are replayability.

If you are a Sonic Fan, this game is a disappointment.

For some reason, I'm a Sonic Fan and I didn't find it disappointing, and alot of Sonic Fans I know realyl liked the game. the only thing I was disappointed about was that Sega's still failed to fix those repetitive loop-the-loop sequences and camera control.

However, if you’re a fanboy who’d play this game no matter what it was like, I’d say nothing of it, because my Review would not influence you at all.

That's sorta redundant isn't it? It wouldn't influence me at all since you HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED PLAYING THE DAMN GAME!!!

[superplyr10]

I was really excited when I first heard that Nintendo is making this game. However I was really disappointed when I laid my hands on it

Story: 2/10
Through out the history of Donkey Kong, he only has the craze for Princess Peach,
and each time he laid his hands on Princess Peach, Mario will get in his way.
Based on normal logic, there is no logic for Donkey Kong to fall in love with Mini-Mario dolls (unless he wants one as voodoo doll). Hence, I found the story in Mario vs. Donkey Kong to be unacceptable. Moreover, I think Nintendo is trying too hard to promote Mario. This game is suppose to be a Donkey Kong game, and the big N name it "MARIO vs. donkey kong". Come on Nintendo, you should at least call it "DONKEY KONG vs. mario".

Graphics: 9/10
The best Donkey Kong graphics I've seen so far. It is very bright and colourful. All the characters are nicely drawn. I minus 1 point for the movie clips, the graphics are nice, but not very smooth.

Music/Sound: 7/10
The music is superb, but the sound effect gets a bit annoying, especially Mario's voice.

Levels: 1/10
There may be a lot of levels in this game, but there are all very very similar. Almost all the puzzles in this game are made up of moving platform and color switches. Yes, I mean you jump on a platform, then move to another one, step on a switch, then go to the next platform, next switch and so on. The Mini-Mario did bring some new lights into this game’s levels, but not by that much, as the Mini-Mario levels is also heavily relying on the color switches and moving platforms.

Control: 3/10
The control in this game is not responsive, you'll find yourself dying due to the buggy jump button. This jumping bus usually happened when you are on a moving platform.

Movements: 0/10
If you played any Mario game before, you'll know how Mario moves. Mario will start of moving slow (walking pace) and gradually increasing speed until running pace. In this game, Mario only move at one pace, that is jogging pace. The character in the game is not Mario, it is someone else using a Mario sprite as disguise.

Difficulty: 6/10
To finish the game is very easy. To get all the stars in this game is moderate. However, to get yourself to endure the dullness of this game is very hard.

Re-playability: 4/10
I love Donkey Kong 94, but I just couldn't get myself to stick to this game. I got this game when it first released, played up to stage 2-8, then stopped cause I was too bored of the same old dull level design. Picked it up again 3 weeks later and finished the Original World and stopped again. Picked it again 1 month later and finished the Plus World then stopped again.

Overall: 3/10
If you are a Donkey Kong fan, you should avoid this and go and play Donkey Kong 94' instead.

There are just so many things wrong with this review. First, Donkey Kong 94? when did that game come out? [img]graemlins/lol.gif[/img] Second, when is there a jumping bug? There are many diffrent jumps in the game, not just a regular jump. Third, he complains about Mario's running. huh?

[LOOT]

^ Donkey Kong 94 is a GB classic game.

That review is crap. The controls are bad and not how it goes? Excuse me, but I believe that's like how Donkey Kong 94 was, also, and the original one was.


Visit Chao Adventures in the Comix Thread! Go and read them, now!

[superplyr10]

^ I thought he was talking about Donkey Kong 64.

[ocarinagirl]

For Eternal Darkness...

It all began so innocently.

The buzz about ED was universally positive. Good game mechanics, storyline based on Call of C'thulu, and Silicon Knights, makers of the acclaimed Blood Omen, developed it. Plus, there was nary a poor review on this site (or elsewhere). A friend of mine had hardly been able to put it down and recommended it, so I played it over at his apartment.

Anyway, the first thing that struck me was the way the game played. By merely pressing and holding down R, you could individually target body parts. It was easy... too easy. When you knock the heads off of enemies, you do alot of damage, AND blind them. Decapitating and running will bag many easy victories, even against larger monsters. Most of the bosses of the game aren't much harder, and any veteran gamer will dispatch them easily. Still, having a headless horde of zombies groping around in the dark and swinging at nothing can be amusing.

Attacking is simple... hitting the big green 'Go' Button attacks with whatever you have equipped. Like many survival horror games, the combat system is simple and it works. Let me reiterate simple. Most melee weapons (and the majority of the fighting is melee), have the exact same combo. Slash, slash, stab, kick beastie off of sword. Considering the variety of environments and weapons, (from tulwars and kukris, to sabers and gladiuses, from medieval Europe to the Roman Empire and ancient Persia), this simplicity disappointed me. All the characters seem to wield their weapons with a similar level of skill… also disappointing. The biggest difference between the characters melee abilities is their power and how quickly they tire… woopdi fricking do. It’s worth noting that Kasim’s chapter is the lone exception to this. His dual sword style is neat, and the Ram Dao has the crowd-pleasing ability to floor enemies in a single hit. His chapter, however, is unfortunately short (I’ll return to this point later).

B finishes enemies… along with examining things in the environment. The reason I note this is because it’s not all that uncommon to try to finish an enemy, only to examine that interesting statue in the background. The game pauses when you’re examining, so there’s no physical risk, but it’s extremely disruptive to the flow of combat. On several occasions, trying to reposition myself for the finishing move because of said problem went for naught as the wounded enemy expired without my coupe de grace. This wouldn’t matter… except that killing enemies restores sanity (more on sanity later). They should have mapped a button specifically for the finishing move, given how often you use it. It’s pretty darn easy to sneak using the analog (all of twice that you need to use it) and I didn’t really need a 5th spell hotkey.

The magic system works well, for what this game is. You have to use a certain number and type of runes to cast spells. The more runes you use, the more powerful the spell, but the greater your drain on your mana and the longer it takes to cast. It creates a heightened sense of necessity to get a spell off when the enemy is upon you and you have runes yet to activate. The spells themselves aren’t anything too special, between summoning things, protection spells, attack spells, healing, enchanting weapons and the like. While magic was well implemented into the framework of the game, it simply substitutes for “items” (like healing plants or keys), and the speed that mana regenerates saps what little difficulty the game has.

I’ve covered the (relative) good points of the game, but now…

The Darkness Comes…

The adventure elements are extremely below average. Usually, they consist of finding the right color or symbol, returning the right necklace to the right idol, or simply placing heavy items on pressure sensitive blocks. It’s not even up to the usual standards of the survival horror genre. Most puzzles in Resident Evil or Silent hill may be unintuitive or overly simple, but at least they have some creativity behind them. The majority of the puzzles in ED are either rather obvious, too obtuse, or seem to be filler. You’ll want to get past them and get back to hacking zombies apart. Certain levels, however, emphasize these puzzles and quickly become the most tedious parts of the game.

The graphics were originally designed for the N64 and it shows. The faces lack definition and most of the character models could use a few more polygons. Lighting affects are there… but the spells that often accompany them aren’t going to floor you. Fortunately, you will be able to see your environment fairly well, given the very competent camera. Seeing the action is rarely the problem, yet despite this, I was yearning to control the camera myself with the unused C stick. The graphics themselves are functional. The problem lies in the style of the game.

As I mentioned before, the game takes place in several different locals during a dozen distinct time periods. Despite this, none of the locations manages to stand out, with the possible exception of the mansion in Rhode Island. Yes, Rhode Island. Apparently the center of all evil is housed there. This would be the single most exciting thing to have ever hit Rhode Island (surefire tourist attraction too). The environments look like basic conceptions of whatever era architecture is used, or simply look like they could have been anywhere. It’s a whole lotta stone and generic middle-eastern architecture. Again, places in Resident Evil, Silent Hill and, heck, even Onimusha all managed to stand out, even if they were outlandish. The general design may look ok to most people, but the lack of detail disappoints a historian like me. The environments are very blah, and lack the atmosphere necessary for this type of game (yet another thing I will return to).

Speaking of things being blah, the characters don’t stand out… even Alex Roivas, the game’s main heroine. It seems like the developers put more detail in her hips than her personality. It doesn’t help that she’s about as dense as a brick. Most the other characters have decent reasons for doing what they are doing. Alex stays in the ****ing house, even after crazy **** starts happening. How many times do you have to see your own dead body in a bathtub before you LEAVE? It’s not like she couldn’t have come back later! One delivery boy towards the end of the game has the right idea. He knocks on the door, leaves the package, and ****ing books.

There are a lot of characters in the game, but none stand out. They all suffer from NPC (Non-Player Character) syndrome and their ultimate, usually unpleasant, fates barely achieve any resonance. They would have been better served by halving the amount of characters and doubling the amount of time you spent with them. Just when you’re beginning to warm to a character, the chapter ends, and you begin anew with someone just as generic. Many possibilities for character development were lost, but perhaps the most glaring is the Tome of Eternal Darkness. The Tome of ED is a book that allows you to invoke the powers of the evil Ancients, cast spells and summon monsters. None, I repeat, NONE of the characters in the game have moral issues with this (and some of them really should). None pray for their eternal soul over the ramifications of wielding evil magiks. None ponder the ‘rightness’ of using fire against fire, evil against evil. This is perhaps the greatest waste of potential character building I’ve ever seen.

The beasties seemed like they came from a generic development set for a survival horror game. You have zombies, stronger zombies, large and deformed zombies, zombies with a large flesh hood and a scythe protruding from the top (one of the few enemies with any personality), and small Trappers who send you to another dimension. This other dimension houses panels for restoring any vital statistic, so being sent there is usually a blessing in disguise. These enemies are slow and quite stupid, using painfully telegraphed attacks to swat at you. They didn’t even touch me in a couple chapters. There are a couple bosses, but these encounters are so rare and un-notable they barely add anything to the game.

Pious Augustus: Long lost brother of Skeletor?

The generic-ness of the characters isn’t helped by the bland (and often bad) voice acting. Inspector Legrasse, whom you encounter at the beginning of the game, is a good example of this (he mercifully appears in only one cutscene). His awkwardly attempts to make conversation with Alex and his subsequent ham fisted way of showing her Edward Roivas's mutilated body set the stage for the majority of the voice work. With the exception of Pious and the Ancients, none of the voice acting is very good. Problem is, it’s not bad enough to laugh at (like the original Resident Evil) but it’s hardly good enough to applaud. It doesn’t sound like a normal person either; it sounds like a person reading a script. At one time, this may have been considered “ok”, but with the voice work in games improving in the past few years (Metal Gear Solid, Shinobi, and Kingdom Hearts to name a few) this level of “acting” just isn’t acceptable anymore.

The script and plot are also two things that, perhaps, would have been more acceptable several years ago, when cinematics in gaming were amateurish at best. The Ancients have been around for a long time, much longer than humanity. One of them has found a servant in Pious Augustus, who toils to make his master manifest in this world. A dozen different people from as many time periods work against Pious using an instrument of evil known as the Tome of Eternal Darkness. Sounds neat, eh? I thought so too, until I got a little ways into the game. It seems like a rough draft of a potentially good story that was never revised. The plot doesn’t really progress from this “group of people fighting against evil” cliché and it’s reflected in the characters as well. The characters frame their perspectives as “I am fighting against the total and complete evil. Yar!” or they simply don’t have one, and you are left wondering why they even bother. And the twists of the game all add up to this… things end up sucking personally for everyone who comes into contact with this Tome of Eternal Darkness. The individual story lines are pretty uninteresting and are often about far as removed from their historical time periods as possible. Real historical events are happening concurrently with the story, and are sometimes even directly influenced by the story. Despite this, events aren’t put into historical context and are only mentioned at the beginning or end of a chapter (if at all).

Now, none of the things I’ve mentioned is as important as these last two points (and I’ve saved the best for last here, ladies and gents). First, the game’s catch: the insanity meter. Now, the insanity meter struck me as a decent idea initially. It seemed like an organic way of making the game scarier (aka, it wasn’t a pre-scripted event). How does it work? It doesn’t. Namely, it fails to be scary or creepy at all, and the reasons are twofold. Reason 1) The effects aren’t that gruesome. You enter a room, and you’re unnaturally large… or the zombies are pint sized… or “technical difficulties” start happening with the TV. I’ve dreamt up scarier **** than this. 2) When I see that my sanity meter is low, I know that crazy **** is going to start happening. This kills the surprise that horror is so dependant on. The nonchalant way characters react while “insane” doesn’t help. They never “freak out” on screen, you only hear “This isn’t… happening!” screamed out when the effect ends. No recoiling in horror, no nervous twitching, no nothing. The only incentive for keeping my sanity meter high was to make sure my health didn’t start draining (thus the reason to finish enemies). It’s easy to “disbelieve the illusion” making the “sanity meter” out for what it is… a gimmick.

So if the game’s gimmick doesn’t scare, do the other parts? Not really. I was scared only 1 ½ times. Meaning that I was genuinely surprised once (1), and once I was caught off guard but didn’t really flinch (½). I was never creeped out by the environments, which lack a threatening atmosphere I used to take for granted in the genre, and the easily defeated enemies hardly intimidate, let alone scare. The end of Metal Gear Solid 2 freaked me out more than this game, and it’s not survival horror!

“I’m afraid there’s not much to see…”

The conclusion is a little more satisfying than the rest of the game. Still, there aren’t any huge surprises, and it’s a bit sell out, ending more happily than the game’s theme should have allowed.

Had Eternal Darkness been released around 1996 on the PSX or N64, it would have stood out, perhaps been a high water mark for the nascent genre. As it stands, it’s the weakest survival horror game I have ever played. Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Dino Crisis, even Onimusha provide more thrills than this. The gameplay is intuitive and the magic system is well integrated… but there are better action games out there. And when everything else falls apart, knocking the head off a zombie only amuses for so long.

Final Score:
4/10

Add 2-3 points if you’re a horror lightweight or new to the genre... or play Resident Evil and Silent Hill and aquatint yourself with the kings of the genre. Everyone else, steer clear.

There's like seven or eight things wrong with that, one of them being when he talks about the sanity meter. He obviously didn't play long enough, or else he would have seen characters shoot at the screen, explode when they try to cast a spell, heard weird chanting, etc...

And how the hell is, "This....isn't really...HAPPENING!!!" non-chalant?

[superplyr10]

The third instalment of Silent Hill is more grotesque and creepy than ever, but the carefully crafted tension and horror is ruined by the complete lack of anything interesting or fun.
This time you control an unattractive woman as she unravels a confusing and lacklustre plot.

Game play - 1/10 - What can I say really? This shouldn't be called the horror genre, it should be called the resident evil genre. Everyone who's played these games knows the shortcoming of this control system. Yet time after time they continue to use it. The 2D/3D option is barely progress.

The camera angles are as annoying as ever. Running into the camera is not only annoying its incredibly unrealistic, in that you cant see what's right in front of you, and this happens too often for my liking.
Being able to change the angle can help somewhat. Usually neither angle is ideal.

Story - 3/10 - The good thing about the story is that you can skip it if you want, and you don't really need to know what it is. Seems fashionable these days to have an overcomplicated plot, and this game is no exception.

Audio/Video - 9/10 - This is what makes the game marketable. If you love graphics above all else, you'll like this game. The visuals are awesome. The background 'ambience' is what makes the game scary.

Play it on mute and its nothing. It reminds me of the satanic audio/visuals from Doom, only grimier. I wish it wasn't so dark ALL the time though.

Replayability - 3/10 - There's plenty of new things to unlock, the game is actually a lot better once you've got some extra weapons and ammo, but the fact remains its the same game. There's only one correct place to go at any one time, only one way of doing things etc.

The puzzles tend to be extremely simple or totally random and senseless. At times the most challenging thing in this game is working out what is scenery and what is a key item. Most of the game will be spent running back and forth, finding an item, backtracking, getting a key, backtracking. Fights can be easily avoided and of course because this is the horror genre, you'll need to save your ammo for bosses anyway, so more running. The combat itself is just as poor as any Silent Hill/Resident Evil game. Made even worse by lack of variety in the enemies, and weapons. I only found 2 clips for a certain weapon in the entire game. Heck I know this is survival horror, but I fired that gun twice in the entire game, it seems completely pointless to me.
There just aren't enough weapons or monsters to keep this game interesting. I can't stress enough how disappointed I was with the lack of guns. This game should be about extreme ultraviolence. It says when you load it up 'This may contain things which seem violent or cruel'. Not likely when you run from 90% of enemies and have more melee weapons than guns.

In conclusion, average story, lousy controls, poor puzzles, total lack of variety but fantastic visuals.

Rent this game if you're curious. You can complete it in about 10 - 20 hours, under 10 if you're good, easily. I strongly advise against buying it.

Just another bad review. If he thinks the story sucks, then he couldn't have played the other Silent Hill games. He doesn't even mention the story. And RE isn't a genre, it's a game in the genre.

[A Genius]

You know, Rare isn't really that special. On the SNES, Donkey Kong Country was fun, but it's sequels weren't, (whuh?) on N64, Banjo Kazooie was fun, but nothing else was. For X-Box, I bet the pattern will continue, one good game, all the others=crap.

For the N64, you probably noticed that I said Banjo Kazooie was their only good N64 game. You may also have noticed that this is a review of DK64 (but maybe not, I don't know). Judging by that, you probably already guessed that I'm not going to give this game a very high score. (NOOOOO! Really?)

And this is why: boring. There's nothing really special here. Same things in each level. (I don't like the game much, but that's a pretty idiotic thing for anyone to say about this.) Now, you see, when a developer makes a game, that developer should focus on one thing: replay value. (You've gotta be kidding me.) The game has 201 friggin golden bananas (the equivelent of stars from SM64), but there not worth getting a lot of. They're not fun to get over and over again, (Right, that's just stupid. The mine kart rides and the minibosses have been overlooked entirely.) which leaves one other possibility for replay value.

Pointless fun. (!?%&!?) Rocket had it. Both of the 3-D Mario platformers had it. (They did?) This game has the original Donkey Kong and Jetpack in it, but they're not addictive enough. (Ookay then.)

Overall, it's a poor game, but at least it's not SM64 repackaged. (?)

Donkey Kong 64: 6/10

-A Genius (Well, looks like I got off without anyone realizing that this is my review. Go me!)

[ September 16, 2004, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: A Genius is stoopit ]

[Woffums]

What? Quack! I remember some very badly done pic my worst enemy Digitalpotato made. Quack!:




It is my favourite image, and I'll cherish it forever as it is the truth. Quack!

[ August 07, 2004, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: Digi ]