OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD: where we complain about popular things in media we don't like to feel better about ourselves

[Booyakasha]

I love a good fight scene, but I can't get invested if I can't tell what the heck is going on. Like, even neverminding the terrible characterisation and dialogue and all, them live-action 'Transformers' movies were dizzying 'what is happening' visual gibberish.

Shaky-cam shouldn't be used during a fight scene. Leave it in 'Cloverfield' as a deliberate obfuscation technique-----------I'd like to see what's happening in this action movie I paid to see. If stupid-ass 'Die Another Day' can depict a swordfight perfectly clearly, if 'Protector' can give us Angriest Guy Ever murdering his way up the stairs in one continuous three-minute-plus shot, then presumably 'The Dark Knight' should be able to show Batman beating up the Joker's goons without giving people headaches and vertigo.

[CaptHayfever]

^^Guardians 3. Anything that *could* be done practically *was*.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

^ I only watched the first two so far, but that sounds good. That's definitely one of the Marvel movies I'm gonna watch at some point, along with that Spider-Man one that has McGuire in it.

[Booyakasha]

...I was going to gloat that Disney would never do a remake of 'Robin Hood', except they totally might. Heck, they won an Oscar for a 'funny talking animal people' movie just a few years back. Ugh. Please no.

[Booyakasha]

You know, the thing that actually took me out of 'The Force Awakens' wasn't some mind-blowing realisation that it was just 'A New Hope' with different wallpaper (I read 'Hero With a Thousand Faces' early on. Hit me with your best shot), nor was it the Wilhelm; it was Chewbacca's hands. Like, Chewie's running around Starkiller Base planting demo charges, and they show him activating one with his ape fingers, and it grossed me out. It was a purely visceral response.

Like, on an intellectual level, I guess I knew Chewie had hands. He wouldn't be able to fire his crossbow or replace the Falcon's catalytic converter or use ASL to indicate he likes kitten if he didn't have hands. But they never showed his hands, like, even when they really could have shown his hands, like in ANH, when they're pretending to have Chewie in handcuffs as a ruse. They didn't show his hands, so I never thought about it! I never thought about Chewie's hands, and so then thirty years later they showed me Chewie's hands, and it was gross for I don't know why!

[Booyakasha]

And here's another one to remember------------the studios have always just changed stuff to suit their whims.

I was just hangin out with Sis and Sis' kids and friends and friends' kids and kids' friends, and somehow I spilled the beans to this band of demons that 'Star Wars' wasn't called 'A New Hope' or 'Episode IV' when it first came out, and some of them couldn't put the pieces together, that there was an era when 'Star Wars' was a single film that Lucas pulled out of his backside and shot on a shoestring budget, not some billion-dollar IP. [EDIT: Even my mom somehow had it reverse-cooked into her head that it was always 'Episode IV: A New Hope' when she and dad went to SW in '77, probably because my big brother wanted to watch it a whole bunch on home video after it got altered and adulterated. It's nothing new.]

It's very easy to claim you've always been a genius with every ace up your sleeve after your gamble pays off---------that's when you can slyly pretend it was always called 'Episode IV', you dirty great cheater, you.

Stop pretending. It's disgusting. And seriously, give the Library of Congress the real movies. This deplorable charade needs to end.

[Deku Tree]

I love a good fight scene, but I can't get invested if I can't tell what the heck is going on. Like, even neverminding the terrible characterisation and dialogue and all, them live-action 'Transformers' movies were dizzying 'what is happening' visual gibberish.

Shaky-cam shouldn't be used during a fight scene. Leave it in 'Cloverfield' as a deliberate obfuscation technique-----------I'd like to see what's happening in this action movie I paid to see. If stupid-ass 'Die Another Day' can depict a swordfight perfectly clearly, if 'Protector' can give us Angriest Guy Ever murdering his way up the stairs in one continuous three-minute-plus shot, then presumably 'The Dark Knight' should be able to show Batman beating up the Joker's goons without giving people headaches and vertigo.

That's exactly why I didn't watch any but the first Michael Bay Transformer movie. It's just a terrible looking movie. The camera work is a big problem, but I also hate the way the Transformers are made up of some sort of chaos metal that just kind of approximates the shape of a robot.

Pacific Rim, though. Delightful. Filled my inner child with joy.

[Booyakasha]

Oh my god, homey, count yourself lucky you never saw the third Transformers.

Optimus murders the bad guy at the end. The bad guy is defeated, he is actively pleading for mercy, he goes 'No, Optimus! Please!', and Optimus shoots him to death right in his face. It is so, so nothing like Optimus to do that. It was not okay.

I'm never watching another Transformers flick as long as I live. I'm not giving these jokers another cent. Screw 'em.

[EDIT: I'm choosing my team. My Optimus is who I say it is. I get my Optimus, my Johnny-5, my Luke Skywalker. No ratbags allowed. Goonies never say 'murder', and if you don't like that, how about you get outta my face, jack.

[Deku Tree]

That sucks. I honestly don't even know much about the Autobots and Decepticons. I mostly grew up watching Beast Wars, which was kinda cool. Gotta love Dinobot's last stand to hold off the whole pack of Predacons and save humanity.

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

Oh my god, homey, count yourself lucky you never saw the third Transformers.

Optimus murders the bad guy at the end. The bad guy is defeated, he is actively pleading for mercy, he goes 'No, Optimus! Please!', and Optimus shoots him to death right in his face. It is so, so nothing like Optimus to do that. It was not okay.

I'm never watching another Transformers flick as long as I live. I'm not giving these jokers another cent. Screw 'em.

There's only one really cool scene out of all of the Transformers I saw (like 2 or 3 of them, of which I remember almost nothing), this one here stood out:

The only flaw is the film franchise's crappy attempts at humor, it's not funny and just drags everything down. Still a 9/10 scene though, Oprimus is such a good character.

That sucks. I honestly don't even know much about the Autobots and Decepticons. I mostly grew up watching Beast Wars, which was kinda cool. Gotta love Dinobot's last stand to hold off the whole pack of Predacons and save humanity.

That was an incredible scene, he pretty much went Rambo on the Decepticons all by himself. I used to love the hell out of Beast Wars as a kid. It was the only one I really got into, even the sequel Beast Machines didn't do much for me.

[CaptHayfever]

The only good movie in the series is Bumblebee, which Michael Bay had almost nothing to do with.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Booyakasha]

Disney made 'Jungle Book' worse. They made the vultures into bad guys, they stole away 'That's What Friends Are For'! Dammit, that was my favourite song in the whole movie when I was a sad lonely kid! The vultures take pity on poor Mowgs at his lowest point, and yeah, they chicken out when Shere Khan shows up, but so what? Were you aware that everyone runs from Shere Khan?!?

They pluck up their courage and help Mowgli defeat Ol' Stripes, and then smelly garbagey Disney in gross 2016 was all, "Yeah, let's mess with that." It's flippin clownshoes, man.

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

I only watched one of Disney's live-action remakes of their classic cartoons, Alice in Wonderland. It was technically more of a sequel, but seems to be where they kickstarted their current fascination with this stuff. I actually kinda liked it at the time, probably because it was a sequel so it was easier to accept that way, but I have no desire to subject myself to more of such films. They seem to keep getting worse. I have no idea who thought it was smart to remake Lion King with weird, uncanny CGI or reimagine Little Mermaid as something resembling an SNL skit.

They're also dragging around the corpse of Pirates of the Caribbean still. The only good movies were the original trilogy, and like the rest of Disney, only keep getting worse. You'd think they were trying to ruin everything.

[Booyakasha]

If they simply wanted to make the ending stupider...shoot for the stars, man. Go big or go home. Have Mowgli return from the man-village not with a torch, but with a tank. Let Mowgli chase Shere Khan around and shoot him in his butt and run him over and then draw a penis on his face as a warning to others. And then have him do the same thing to Kaa and Bagheera and Baloo and King Louie and Rama and Raksha and Shanti, and then have him chainsaw Colonel Haathi's head off whilst cackling maniacally, because why not. I think that's an ending everyone could be happy with.

I heard a pretty good line about 'Pirates' and 'Jungle Cruise' the other day---------"If I had a nickel for every time Disney made one of their rickety old theme park attractions into a movie about the crew of an old-timey sailing ship getting cursed with unwanted immortality...I'd have two nickels. I know two nickels doesn't sound like much, but it's still pretty weird that that happened more than once."

[Booyakasha]

Wait. I think drawing the penis on your own face might be more of a power move. Like, imagine if, in 'The Force Awakens', Ray expelled an extremely loud sigh in the middle of all these pansies at the rebel base talking endlessly, pulled out a Sharpie, and started drawing on her face, saying, "in about twenty seconds I'm going to put a line in the sand. On one side of that line is going to be my team, and on the other side is going to be Team Getting Stabbed In the Goshdarn Eyeball With a Sharpie, and never the twain shall meet. Get ready to dance, you frigs." And then Holdo's like "...what?", and Ray snaps "wrong answer, butt-munch!" and gives Holdo a Sharpie in the eye, and Holdo runs away squealing like the piggie she is. And Ray stands there, majestic in her wrath, big weenie drawn right in the middle of her forehead, and she screams, "I am become the Unicorn! Disobey me at thy peril!"

...I want that Funko Pop. 'Ray The Unicorn'. Make it happen, Funko, you sniveling cowards.

[Booyakasha]

...'Biggs Darklighter' is a stupid name.

It sounds like it could be one of the silly joke names that the MST3K team cooked up for the hero of 'Space Mutiny'. "Slab Squatthrust! Broad Plankchest! Crud Bonemeal! Flint Ironstag! Gristle McThornbody!"

His saving grace is that he's actually awesome. He's just a humble normal guy with a moustache (he probably had to say 'yeah, I have a dumb name' more than once), and he's super excited to see Luke. He and Luke were best friends, for real heng dai forever. That's rad. And he actually cries out 'Luke! Pull up!' when he thinks Luke is in danger, and he dies heroically in battle. If he were some butthead it'd be infuriating. But it isn't. There's mitigating circumstances, and they mitigate.

[EDIT: The one I feel bad for is Porkins. That's just mean. He's a big guy, probably got teased about it as a kid, he's gonna die, and then you put him alongside guys with cool-guy names like Biggs and Wedge and Hutch and Tyree?

And his teammates called him 'Piggie' as an affectionate nickname! That was and possibly is still canon! Hey, you think Porkins might have liked a slightly kindlier or cooler nickname, like 'Champ' or 'Flint Ironstag' or 'Goose' or something?

How much does Lucas weigh right now? Is it more than William Hootkins weighed back in '77? Yeah, laugh at Porkins, Lucas, right after your hundredth turn through the buffet line, thou revolting slob.]

[Booyakasha]

Man alive. You know, if you like 'Wish', you go right ahead and like 'Wish', man. Non-haters gonna non-hate, right (people who like 'Wish' probably got one up on me who likes 'Mortal Kombat Annihilation' and 'Hudson Hawk' and 'Ernest Scared Stupid' and all).

Okay. So 'Wish' is an unholy piece of crap. We all know this, it's pathetic garbage. But nevermind the threadbare plot, the weaksauce villain, the crappy music, the boring nothingburger characters--------the most horrifically offensive thing to me occurs at the very end of the movie, when the credits are playing. Like, as a nod to all the films that came before ('Disney 100!' Ecch), they put in little constellation-styled drawings of Disney's animated movies from the start. Which would be a cute touch, except they cut some out. They skipped over most of the package flicks, both 'Rescuers' movies, and 'Black Cauldron', and 'Meet the Robinsons'. I'm sorry, Disney, but if you're more proud of 'Home on the Range' than you are of 'Rescuers Down Under', then you need your flippin heads examined. There's a case to be made for 'Rescuers Down Under' being one of the best films of the Disney Renaissance------------it's beautifully animated, it's fun, it's gorgeous. Conversely, nobody gives a tin shilling about 'Home on the Range'. Get bent.

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

Those Mortal Kombat movies were pretty fun, not quite as much as Street Fighter but better than Tekken at least (and probably better than Dead or Alive, which seems kinda bad).

I forgot Home on the Range even existed, I wonder if I even saw it.

[Booyakasha]

...'Home on the Range' sucks. And they evidently like it more than they like 'Black Cauldron'. Or 'Meet the Robinsons'. Digdog it, I loved 'Meet the Robinsons'! Disney shouldn't be picking and choosing.

[CaptHayfever]

Home on the Range was so bad that it led to Michael Eisner being forced to resign.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"