I hate chess with every fibre of my soul

[Booyakasha]

...but not really, I'm just bad at it right now. I never really gave it a shot, but now it seems like it'd be a different way to play with my family at stuff-------------some of the younger cousins never learned cribbage, and even among those that did, some of them married chess dudes instead. Hey, I'm just glad to be here.

So I bought a chess video game, and I've played a bit (probably spent ten times as much time playing chess in the last week as I had in the last forty years of my life), and I'm almost to the point where I can beat the computer on Very Easy mode more often than not.

...I'm not frustrated, I'm pleased. I like getting better at things. I'm going to keep going. Our family is a lot---------maybe I can offer an extra avenue for the next cousin's fiancee to feel welcome.

[Deku Tree]

I like chess, but I could really do with some deep study of a few real openings. I got by in my youth by always going for a scholar's mate and if it didn't work being aggressive with my queen without getting punished for it, but at the level of competition I face at chess.com I tend to be playing catch up, positionally.

[Booyakasha]

...oh lord. I've just had a premonition of me playing against some smartly-dressed frig at the family christmas party, and he nods appreciatively at my latest random spasm and says, "ahh, Von Shploinkendorffel's Gambit! Well-played!", and meanwhile I'm sitting there with an eggnog milk-moustache, smiling vacantly.

[EDIT: I might need to buy a slightly more advanced chess video game. The one I'm playing is 'Brawl Chess', which, as hilarious and goofy as it is, it doesn't have castling. Or at least I don't know how to do it. Maybe it doesn't appear in Very Easy mode. It should do, especially when Very Easy mode still lets the computer hit me with an en passant, like it did last game. En passant is on the table, and castling isn't? That's kind of a backflip.]

[CaptHayfever]

I'm no expert, but I enjoy playing with fellow novices, or against easy-mode computers.
Kinda interested in trying out FPS Chess too.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!

[Booyakasha]

I'll say one thing for 'Brawl Chess'-------------snappy pacing. So many chess video games, you have to watch your stupid little man trudge across the screen for twenty seconds, and then you have to watch a little animated cutscene of your little man blonking the other little man on the head, and it doesn't matter whether the cutscene is funny or cool or not, you're going to want to jump out the window after the hundredth repetition. 'Brawl Chess' has instant movement, and then combat is represented by an animated violence-cloud straight out of the funny papers, and then it's the computer's turn. Two seconds at most. They cut out all the fat-------------I can't express how much better the experience is for that.

I watched the Grumps play 'Battle Chess' and the crappy Titus N64 game, and I don't mind telling you, I'd have given up on learning chess less than one game in if either of those were my only option.

[Deku Tree]

The one I'm playing is 'Brawl Chess', which, as hilarious and goofy as it is, it doesn't have castling. Or at least I don't know how to do it. Maybe it doesn't appear in Very Easy mode. It should do, especially when Very Easy mode still lets the computer hit me with an en passant, like it did last game. En passant is on the table, and castling isn't? That's kind of a backflip.]

I had a hard time accepting that any chess game wouldn't let you castle. Found a video showing someone do it.

[Booyakasha]

Oh, thank you! The game has no tutorial, it just flings you in. Thank you, friend!

[Deku Tree]

Anytime.

[Booyakasha]

...ugh. I can't beat the Easy AI. It's humbling.

It isn't hard, it's a game. I'm not stupid, chess games operating by algorithm are stupid at everything but chess. I learned my times tables, I'm an excellent speller, this is kind of the same sort of kind of thing. Kind of maybe. I just have to think ahead and not fall into obvious traps over and over and over again. (Man, I don't mind sacrificing a rook tactically, but losing one because you're stupid is almost physically painful.)

...you can't outthink the computer, you must outthink yourself. The screen is a mirror. Probe. Isolate. Uncover your weaknesses, and then kick 'em right in the weenie whilst cackling with bloodthirsty glee. Therein lies the path to victory and enlightenment and stuff.

[SkyDragon]

The thing that helped me the most is solving tactical puzzles on chess.com. You only get 3 ranked puzzles a day without a premium membership, but if you do it consistently every day you'll improve. You also get a puzzle rush where you keep getting more until you get 3 wrong. lichess has unlimited puzzles, but they haven't been as good in my experience, still good practice though. If you know tactics and can recognize patterns and see them in the game, you'll win more games. They also make it easier to develop a gameplan beyond just pawn in the center, develop minor pieces, castle, rooks to open file. You'll start going through a checklist every move of: look at all checks, captures, and attacks.

[Booyakasha]

...I know it's dumb and prideful, but I want to do it on my own. I appreciate the advice, and maybe if I feel totally flummoxed and unable to improve I'll take it, but for now I'd rather just take my wormwood.

[SkyDragon]

pffft it's not like steroids or anything, you're developing your tactical muscle naturally.

[Booyakasha]

I am developing tactical muscle naturally. Check out these glutes! (*pants-off dance-off-------it's "go" time, young man, and 'YMCA' is just starting up!*)

[Booyakasha]

GOD ABSOLUTELY DAMN THIS STUPID GAME

I ACTUALLY DO HATE IT. CHESS CAN BURN IN HELL

I GIVE UP----------CRIBBAGE ONLY, NOW AND FOREVER

[Booyakasha]

So I think I'm done for now. I've reached a logical conclusion. I can't win consistently on "Easy" mode, and I would rather just stop now than go barking mad and gnaw my hands off in an ecstasy of rage. I could be doing something I like instead, like playing with Hot Wheels or watching 'Sword in the Stone'. You win at chess, everyone ever.

[Deku Tree]

She's a harsh mistress.

[Booyakasha]

I should stick with board games that are more my speed, like Candyland and Uncle Wiggily. Playing Candyland with Iree and Em-Bear is nice. I 'accidentally' lose. I have never 'accidentally' lost at chess, the Adversary, the very Hell.

[CaptHayfever]

Candy Land is barely even a game. The only thing that affects the outcome is the deck shuffle at the beginning; everything after that point is predestined.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Booyakasha]

I assure you, I'm entirely aware of that. I play it with the kids because the kids like it and I like the kids.

Part of being a kindly uncle is playing Candyland and watching insipid 'Frozen' over and over again. That's what kids like and understand. I would like to eat saurbraten, but the kids want chicken nuggies and kraft dinner, and so guess what I eat when I'm out in Dakota.

[Deku Tree]

My kid would try to stack the deck when we played. Little stinker.