Sister's tearing apart the family.

[Sim Kid]

So anyway, I don't know if all of you remember these details about me (I'm not sure if I even mentioned these details about my life at that time - I mean I was still going here when this **** was unfolding.) but my sister is, to be entirely blunt, such a jerk that you could sing South Park Songs about her. She has pretty much been this way since we were very little, but Debate Team made her even more and more unbearable. (Btw, anyone here who wants to have kids? Debate Team is one of the worst things that can happen to your kids in High School. They get acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder. During this time, her attitude to me and mom was so bad that mom and dad were willing to flat out separate until she went to college just because our fighting resulted in the cops getting called suspecting a domestic disturbance and my sister tried to get me arrested when they showed up.)


While she's mellowed out a lot since she started teaching, she hasn't mellowed out towards mom (as in, I can actually be in the same room as her without her trying to start a fight, and we can have conversations that do not erupt in fights.). In fact, I think she's gotten WORSE towards mom. Even before October, whenever she has a bad day, she always seems to lash out at mom.

AS for what happened in October, well, mom and I went to Universal Studios Hollywood. We left our sixteen year old dachshund, Chainsaw, at the vet. ( https://imgur.com/gallery/P2dxL ) because we heard her wheezing and she wasn't eating. The vet told us that they will keep her in observation for the weekend, and that she will be home on Monday. So we figured, hey, she'll be fine, since Dad is staying home.

Unfortunately, a development happened while we were away. If you read the description on the imgur link, you can possibly figure out what - she had a cancer that practically took her overnight. Neither dad, nor my sister, who learned of this development, never thought to tell us. So my sister repeatedly called us and was freaking out, accusing us of just going out and leaving her to take care at the vet's. Because we were in California, it was our fault, apparently. (Dad meanwhile had one of his neurotransmitter misfires and forgot Chainsaw was at the vet... and she didn't hold it against him at all.) She then started sending me all sorts of angry text messages about how we didn't care because we were in California, and how we didn't even care for Petunia when she died either (***** I was thirteen. I took Petunia on her final walk and was with her until the end practically holding her paw. Don't tell ME I didn't do ANYTHING for Petunia!) and that we didn't care period. So she nearly causes us to have a mental breakdown, and we are literally on the FIRST PLANE OUT OF CALIFORNIA the next morning so we could be with them... so we can be with her and Chainsaw when Chainsaw finally was put to sleep. :( I didn't like it either...

...but that's also when the attitude started. You know what I said about acute NPD in debate team? Well, she already exhibited some traits of a narcissist before Debate Team (Lack of empathy, constant attention grabbing, acting like she knew everything, inability to apologise) but ever since Debate Team, it became even more obnoxious. For someone who was in debate team... she sure isn't very good at listening to or even attempting to so much as comprehend other peoples' sides. I know there is such a thing as standing by your convictions and not being wishy-washy, but people who stand by their convictions are usually able to admit that maybe they're wrong every now and then, that other people have a point, or that maybe they should consider what other people say and think for a change sometimes. Nope. Her way or the highway. Debating her is a nightmare - she can debate something that's blatantly false, but even if present a case that would prove a known murderer innocent, will just say "No, you're wrong" or reduce it to a strawman.

So this attitude? Let's just say, it started within hours. She started lecturing us, the owners of dogs, that Tuffy will start to feel sad because he lost his mate. Gosh, really? :O You know we do OWN these dogs, right? And that we kinda know them better than you, since we LIVE with them? She then started the assault on mom. I've been able to spot these tactics, as I've lived with her for about 18 years....

-When mom isn't around, she attempts to turn us against her.
She believes mom is... quite incompetent. Yes, it may seem weird that we went to California and left Chainsaw at the vet, but the fact that we were told "She'll be fine" means nothing. When mom is not in the room, sister is giving us lectures about how she thinks she is the only one who has a brain in the family, how she was the only one who knows what's going on with the dogs she does not live with....

-Disagreeing with statements made by mom just because mom is saying them.
I actually caught her doing this - I had mom talk about the behaviour of our other two dogs. Sis immediately just rolled her eyes at her. I then had dad say the exact same thing - sister responds with "Really?". I had mom make a political statement my sister would agree with. Sis eyerolls. Dad says it verbatim... she pipes up. Mom says something she disagres with, sis immediately voices her annoyance. Dad says it... sis's response is far more polite and civil.

-Using proxies to attack mom
She only gives her side - and insists that it's the absolute truth and that anyone who says otherwise is wrong. As a result, her boyfriend and other friends constantly eyeroll at mom and think she is a total fruit loop dingus.

-Silent Treatment
I know how the silent treatment works. She did it to me when she was in 11th grade - in fact, it actually saved mom and dad from separating, because she didn't speak to me for ten months. Mom enters and speaks to her, sis starts looking around her to watch the TV, or suddenly whips out her phone and starts looking at metafilter with regardless for how rude that is.

-General snippiness, working in "Take That"s whenever possible.
Most recently, our other dog, tuffy, had to go to the vets for teh weekend because he literally pushed a suitcase three times his size into the laundry room down a step and unzipped it to get at the chocolate-covered wine grapes inside. The fact that we managed to get him there in time before they could do any damage or that we took him to the vet hospital in a blizzard is entirely lost. She then talks down to mom saying "He has a history of doing this, you should have known better" - since apparently, we are supposed to know that he, a fourteen year old dachshund who can't even get on the bed using a ramp, can get into closed suitcases now. Her boyfriend, even when I mention my surprise at how he did it, just says "Well that's why you don't leave food on the floor" and once I inform them, they don't even bother to respond, and when the subject of Tuffy comes up, they sneak in another "Why hasn't she learned by now?" sentence in OUT OF NOWHERE. This subject was how well he's doing.

So when they gave mom an attitude, she decided "**** this - I'm not eating dinner with them". It's like what happened last year around Thanksgiving - wherein she spoke to me like a total infant misbehaving and had the audacity to waltz in like nothing was wrong and never apologised. (Then again, she never apologised to me without being prompted - even when she was caught paying a 9th grader to harass me in Jr. High, she only said "Sorry" when mom and dad were in the room.) She saw absolutely nothing like this.


Finally I expressed my concerns to dad - that she's tearing apart the family, and he is unconsciously enabling her. His response?

Genuine surprise.

He somehow did not notice how volatile she has been behaving. Right in front of his bloody face, he sees this, and he still does not see this. When I told him that he has to confront her before mom writes my sister out of their will (or keeps her in, but only leaves... a boot to the head) or bans her from the house, he is afraid to do that. He hates seeing family members fighting, and whenever we start fighting, he attempts to change the subject rather than attempting to resolve the conflict. He legit does not know how much he is enabling her, and mom even says we're both enabling her because we don't call her out on her behaviour.

The problem is, every time we do, she ignores it or finds some way to just criticise US instead. So the only real way to combat this is to just quarantine ourselves away from her, but this does not solve the problem of her displaying NPD-traits - it's basically just telling others "YOUR problem, now."

Yes, I get it - she stands up for herself. She stands by her convictions. That's a good thing. However, she does not respect any kinds of boundaries and thinks it's okay to talk down to people and act like she is the centre of the universe and the only sane person in the world. And she does not see just what she is like. I may be surrounded by stupid on a daily basis, but I am not the only sane person in the world - I know there are sane people, even dad is despite his tendency to suffer neurotransmitter misfires. ("Mom and son are out for the weekend in Disneyland? I think I'll... eat enough coconut clusters to get sick because nobody was around to tell me to eat a meal. Ooooooh why am I sick?" and flushing a washscloth down the toilet and acting surprised when it floods the upstairs...)

[RinkuTheFirst]

Well, your sister sounds like a complete *****. I may have overlooked it, but has your father suffered some kind of injury? The timidity, forgetful moments, and unwillingness to confront your sister seem like symptoms of that. It puts your sister in a worse light because now it sounds like she's intentionally taking advantage of an ill man.

Wish I had some advice. People like that almost never change and only do so if they decide on it themselves. Your sister likely needs psychiatric help, but undoubtedly won't seek it.

Also, Chainsaw was a real cutie.

[Deepfake]

Yeah, you do make a decent argument for narcissism. I have had to deal with it before, in recent memory and at its absolute worst, and it is not pretty. I'd suggest laying off the hyperbole in blaming debate class for making a bad thing worse, as obviously it is a personality disorder and if she does possess it, will have been predisposed even when it encouraged her to find the worst in herself.

Paying another schoolmate to harass you is so far beyond the boundary of healthy, I can't comprehend that your parents did not bury her in therapy.

Regardless of what you think about family, and how unhealthy your sister is, offering criticsm of your family members will do little good without the suggestion of support and encouragement. Frankly, it sounds like you need to remove yourself from the situation and work on your own happiness.

[Sim Kid]

[QUOTE="Sonic 5, post: 1616629, member: 26922"] I may have overlooked it, but has your father suffered some kind of injury?.[/QUOTE]


Not that I know of. Neither has mom, and mom has those moments of neurotransmitter misfires as well (But only when she's not the one in charge.)

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

I guess it can be boiled down to her just being a spiteful person. Avoid her if possible and advise others to do the same. Maybe she'll change then, and if not then keep it up.

Chainsaw is a great name btw.

[Apiary Tazy]

People that can never admit they're wrong are the worst.

I'd almost recommend that you verbally destroy her then cut her from your life completely but that's... probably not what you want.

Whatever you do, it's going to take force. She's never going to accept it and you need to just ignore her attempts to debate you on it. Doesn't matter what point she makes you can't allow it to change your mind. You have to be resolute, and you can tell your mother that as well. Someone like this is going to do whatever it takes to be right. When that doesn't work she's not going to have anything.

[I am nobody]

My ex-aunt (is that what you call them?) on my dad's side most likely has something like this as well. Roundabout 2001, when her kids were 6 and 3, they were driving from Virginia to Chicago to complete a move, and my uncle was already there. Halfway through the trip, she turns around for, as far as we know, literally no reason and abruptly files for divorce. She somehow won custody and spent the next 15 years out of work, constantly involved with one of an army of at-best-irresponsible boyfriends, and telling her children lies about their father despite the fact that they saw him frequently enough to know they weren't true. This finally came to a breaking point this year, when she moved to West Virginia without telling her son (about to leave for college), then told him he'd have to pay for his own gas if he wanted to visit. He ended up living with a friend's family (who'd basically already adopted him) until college started. Then to top it all off, she found out about a bonus my uncle was using to pay for both kids being in college at the same time, and immediately sued to get it for herself. Charming person, really.

Which I bring up mostly to say that if the two of them are suffering from the same kind of disorder, then you're completely right about what happens when it gets out of control. Wish I had a solution.

[Sim Kid]

You ex aunt sounds like a total *****.