I've finally found somebody who likes me, but there's a problem

[NintendoNut]

The problem is me, my mind and anxiety.

To give a bit of background, I've suffered from anxiety since I was about 11 years old. That's 14 years in which I've had to live with it and deal with it in varying degrees of success. Most people are apprehensive about the unknown, I am terrified by it. When I get anxious I'm prone to panic attacks, I completely lose my appetite and eat hardly anything throughout any given day, I can't even stay properly hydrated. I focus endlessly on the negatives and any moment where I don't feel like I'm about to throw up is precious. I'm typically like this before any big event in my life, but it can happen in even the most innocuous situations too (going out for dinner, for example).

Here's the situation: I've been messaging this girl whose profile I found about a month ago on an online dating site that I've been registered on for a while. We've spoken a lot in that time, found out we have a lot in common, and swapped phone numbers. That was about two weeks after first contact, we've texted each other dozens of times since then and we arranged our first date for Thursday night (a couple of days ago) in a nice pub. Predictably, in the days leading up to it, I was a mess. Panic attacks were a daily occurrence and I had a permanent fear of screwing everything up, knowing that this girl likes me* and worrying that a chance like this may not come around again for a very long time.

* I was so sure she liked me because I had originally suggested a first meeting for next week when we were going to be at the same football match. But she asked if I'd prefer this week because she was off work, so there was an eagerness to move things along from her point of view.

The date itself was fine. We met on time, we talked for three hours with scarcely any awkward silences. We made each other laugh, I complimented her, she was receptive and was just as kind about me. There were moments where I could feel some anxiety brewing in the back of my head but I was just about able to suppress it and carry on. At the time, I did allude to the fact that I was nervous before and even during the date, to which she'd respond with "Aww well I'm not that scary", or words to that effect. Of course I wasn't going to go into complete details about exactly how anxious I'd been, but she'd said enough to put me off going any further because I didn't want to make her feel like the bad person in all this.

When the date came to an end and we were saying goodbye, I made sure to tell her I had a good time and suggested that we do it again another time, because I did have a good time and I really enjoyed being with her. She was eager to meet again and we talked about some provisional times. We hugged - a few times - before we both left.

So, mission accomplished, right? I didn't screw everything up, she likes me, I like her, what could be left to be anxious about?

The fact that I've never got this far before.

If fear of messing it up was what was getting me before, then after a couple of days trying to specifically pin down why I've been feeling so stressed since then, I've concluded that it's a fear of the unknown. After years of trying, I've never progressed to the second date but I now know that this is going there (we're meeting again tomorrow night) and, in all likelihood, beyond that as well. I can't put into words how angry I've been with myself for allowing my mind to get the better of what should be a joyous moment. I've been waiting for this time to come along for years, mentally rehearsed all the things I'd do and say and yet it finally comes around and I start to question whether I'm really ready for it.

I need to know a few things. Firstly, am I a freak for feeling this way? I really like this girl, she's reciprocating, and yet I just feel worry and fear all the time, not excitement about what could be a great new chapter in my life. This doesn't strike me as a normal reaction to the situation. I was thinking of telling her tomorrow about most of the extent to which I suffer from anxiety and how it affects how I behave, because I feel a need to be open about this. But then I'm worried that I'd scare her off, that I wouldn't be the man she's looking for after all, and how I'd have to start all over again with somebody else. Is it wise to be honest about such a thing? For what it's worth, she does not strike me as having any mental demons to overcome, certainly not to the extent that I've got at least. If now is not the time, then when is the time? Because I'm honestly not sure how long I can hold out like this without going to see a doctor and getting some medication to treat this - a thing I've been reluctant to do previously, although I received counselling for stress & anxiety seven years ago.

Sorry for the wall of text, as you can tell, this has been on my mind for a while now.

[Random User]

Well you'll probably have to let her know about your anxiety at some point. The relationship is still fairly young and it's probably a good idea to lay all the cards out on the table while it still is young. I, personally, probably wouldn't let her know right away though. I'd maybe give it a couple weeks beforehand.

Anxiety is difficult. My girlfriend has anxiety and I feel a bit helpless because I'm not sure she wants to hear hard logic, which is my brain's primary function when trying to help people. But what is there to lose if the relationship goes sour just because she couldn't accept something about you? Nobody's going to be perfect. If the relationship is going to progress in a positive way, she'll have to accept your anxiety.

You're not a freak for this, either. A lot of people suffer from anxiety and would have reacted the same way you do.

[Deepfake]

Nah, you're fine man, it's a totally normal feeling to have. Just keep in mind that you got this far by being you, and that you keep doing what works and it's likely she's equally concerned whether or not that nice guy she's into sticks around. Everybody's got feelings, and experience comes from trying.

And if you think you need to see a doctor, then just do it. They're not going to wreck your life for saying that you don't know how to cope with anxiety. You don't have to go everything alone and if a professional's got the ability to help and you want that help, it's fine to let them.

If you just want some general advice, then it helps not to read in between the lines too much. If you second guess her and yourself too much, you'll make things hard on the both of you. If you need clarity, then aim for it, you know? SD and I don't have a relationship where there's a lot of guessing. About the only cue I take is that if she doesn't want to talk to me she's probably unhappy about something, but I only get to find out if it's to do with me by asking, and no matter what the cause is it generally means the same thing: I've got to be there for her and I've got to keep her feelings in mind, and it's my job as her partner be equally as concerned about her feelings as mine.

If it were me and I were concerned about someone being interested in me, I'd ask. Being straightforward like that is about the only thing that's ever gotten me anywhere in a relationship, and maybe that's unusual but anything you build with that is made to last. Keep in mind as well that "I really think you're something special and I want to impress you" is the same thing as "I'm really nervous" in the right context, and that might be what she's hearing, at the core of it. Your weaknesses are your strengths when you apply them in a positive way, it matters that you care what she thinks and she may well know that.

If you've got anything in specific that's troubling you, feel free to message me here or on facebook and I'll be more than happy to help you sort things out if you feel like having a second opinion would put you at ease.

[Morningriser]

Sounds like things went well. You are not alone, I have anxiety issues as well and since this was such a big deal for you it is natural that you would feel like this. Once the two of you get to know each other more and spend more time together things will get better, I promise. I was 22 when I met my fiancé and she was the first girl I had ever been involved with. I was nervous for a while but things quickly got better,

[NintendoNut]

Thanks all for the advice. Turns out that even just typing out how I felt and trying to articulate it helped to calm me down, because the night before the date I was just excited to get there. I had hardly any nerves during yesterday in the build up to our second date as well. As such I didn't go into a lot of details about my anxiety, but I did briefly talk again about how I'd felt nervous before the first date but had felt a lot more relaxed this time around because of her, to make her more at ease with the situation as well.

Before we left we kissed for a long time, so everything's going great. Now my only anxiety is that I want to be with her again and can't be for another couple of days which, as far as different types of anxiety go, that's not a bad one to have.

[Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds]

Aw, bro, being anxious about new things, especially new things you really really want to work out well, is completely normal. Yeah, you have it running in high gear, but we all go through those feelings to some extent.

Being honest will be necessary, because as you grow closer, she will see you face other things in life with your anxiety. If she's right for you, she'll be there to help in whatever ways she's emotionally capable of and support you through your efforts to deal with your situation and finding ways to improve your handle on life. Take what you can, give what you can in return, and when it's right to discuss with her, you'll see what step will come next.

But as you've found out, getting it off your chest can be a huge help. Talk to someone, or us, when you're feeling overwhelmed. You don't have to be asking for advice or looking for answers to vent your emotions and find some solace in a sympathetic ear. Much love, always.

(And congrats! Makeouts! Woooo! ;) )

[GreenMagic469]

There's nothing abnormal about what you're feeling. Personally, I think if you don't have anxiety about something like that, there's something wrong with you. You're about to go meet someone you've never met, forced to create conversation when in the back of your mind, you know you're both there because you want to diddle the other person (hey, it's true...). If you can walk into that without any anxiety, fear or nervousness, you're probably a sociopath.

Even though I had been with a few girls prior, things didn't last and I didn't feel very connected to any of them. I met my current girlfriend online, we've been together about a year and a half, and I remember having EXTREME anxiety the first time I went to meet her. But, like everyone else said, you eventually find your feet and things go from being awkward and weird to being natural and normal. Give it some time, keep doing what you're doing, and before you know it, you and your girl will be as close as two peas in a pod.

[NintendoNut]

[QUOTE="GreenMagic469, post: 1496120, member: 39956"]There's nothing abnormal about what you're feeling. Personally, I think if you don't have anxiety about something like that, there's something wrong with you. You're about to go meet someone you've never met, forced to create conversation when in the back of your mind, you know you're both there because you want to diddle the other person (hey, it's true...). If you can walk into that without any anxiety, fear or nervousness, you're probably a sociopath.[/QUOTE]

I get that, that was absolutely expected for me and even though I was nervous as hell at that point I was receiving micro-comfort from the fact that it was pretty normal. My concern was that despite things going so well, my mind would continue to tie itself in knots and I'd be as stressed as I was BEFORE meeting her. I didn't understand how it worked.

I'm happy to report that things continue to go well and my anxiety has almost completely subsided. We met again on Wednesday in a different place (our third date in our first week), a much more intimate sort of setting that really chilled me out and things were just dandy. We stayed for another 3 hours together.

Of course I get the occasional flash of 'what if X happens?' - where X is [insert any really bad thing here] - but I'm largely able to ignore it and not let it affect me. I'm going to try to slow down the pace at which we meet just a little bit because it has crossed my mind that we could be going too fast and that she'll get sick of me within a month, which I don't want to happen. I'm still really keen on seeing her as much as possible, but I don't want any novelty to wear off too quickly. Sure, makeouts are great, but I can't be making them the basis of all that we do for a while :)

I dunno, maybe I'm just dumb.

[smol Kat]

^That's a really good way to go about it. I've found that things go a lot smoother when you have anxiety if you take it slow. :)

[Heroine of the Dragon]

Congrats!!! I'm so happy for you NinNut!!! I hope it is still going well... *gives you heart-shaped marshmallows to share with your lady*

[ScottyMcGee]

Sounds like it's going well, don't know how pertinent this is by now but thought I'd share my two cents.

In my junior year of college there was this girl I thought was strikingly beautiful, not just in form but in character. She was the kind of person to inspire a character in a writer's story. So I asked her out and took her to dance.

I could tell that she was shy and reserved. She made some little white lies, such as being available the next day but then finding out that she went to the city with her friends. After getting no further response from her about our night, I decided to ask her out again.

Something happened that I now can't really recall but she started to be relatively unresponsive. I couldn't tell if it was me or if something was going on. I tried asking her if she felt like this was going anywhere and she said no, so I accepted it and moved on. But then I noticed she wouldn't really acknowledge my existence as a friend. I saw her in some public event, said hi, and she walked by without saying anything. I then did something REALLY stupid and jumped the gun. I don't know if any of you ever had a formspring account but it's this website where people can anonymously ask you questions. After that time she ignored me, a message popped up suggesting someone who knew about our date and lambasting me for not saying hi. I was thoroughly confused. I didn't think it was her but assumed it was a friend of hers and maybe they talked about stuff and her friend misunderstood something. I had no idea. I messaged her about it and expressed how I felt that we might have gotten off on the wrong foot and she freaked. She said that judging it based on a formspring question was stupid and that the reason why she's been unresponsive was that she might leave the college because she doesn't have enough money. Boy, did I screw that one up.

Eventually she warmed up again afterwards. The situation was put behind and she's a fan of my tumblr blog.

There was a point to this story.

Oh right

You know how people are like, "Is it just me or is so-and-so acting up because of me?" 99.9999999999999% of the time it's just you. Believe me. Part of it is normal though. As social animals, we're highly developed in sensing other people's feelings. But most of the time it turns into anxiety because we worry about OUR social image.

[NintendoNut]

Been a while since I updated on this whole situation.

It's been 5 weeks since our first date. We're no longer just two folks who are 'seeing each other', we've agreed it amongst ourselves that I am now her boyfriend and she is my girlfriend. As such I've been a lot more open about my anxiety to her, how it makes me feel, what can cause it (a mystery in itself, even to me) and how it's something that I sometimes struggle against. Worryingly, I have been having anxiety attacks DURING recent dates but she's been nothing but lovely and understanding about it. Of course I can tell she's bewildered by it but I have made it abundantly clear to her that she isn't the reason for that problem and she has asked me to be transparent about when I'm having attacks, which I'm completely ok with.

I am starting to worry about the fact that I'm having these episodes while on dates with her, because it's happened over the last few meetings. Fortunately they've all been since I told her about all this a couple of weeks ago, so I haven't had to awkwardly explain what's going on whilst trying to focus all my energy on not just vomitting. On the plus side, I have started to eat normally again after losing several pounds in that week or so of constant worry during our first dates.

Onwards and upwards, I suppose?