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Hello, VGF. It's me, Mushi. It's been a very long time since I last poked my head in around here, hasn't it? I wonder how everyone is doing. I've added many of the usual suspects on Facebook, and have been able to keep up with you through it, but, there are some who I have not spoken to in months. Years, even.

Anyone who bothered to peek into this thread might be wondering about the title. I chose that because lately some rather intrusive thoughts have wormed their way into my conscious mind. Disturbing thoughts filled with much self-directed violence and loathing. Recently I've had to bring a number of close friends back from the brink of self destruction, and now I'm seeing in myself much of the same madness that drove those friends of mine, in one case successfully, to seriously consider committing suicide.

More and more I feel myself pulling away from the world, retracting into myself, and finding no comfort in my own company. To put it bluntly, I hate the person I've become. I have nothing to be proud of, and I haven't earned an ounce of respect amongst my peers or family. I've officially flunked out of college, and finding a job has so far proved to be a fruitless endeavor. Soon I fear that I may outstay my welcome in my family home, as my temper grows shorter and I become more prone to lashing out at my loved ones.

It becomes worse whenever I'm alone, and more and more I find myself without any sort of companionship. I find it very difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and when I do I can't bring myself to do anything but putter around the house listlessly, much less go outside and socialize.

This brings me back to the title of this thread. Just tonight I found myself unable to shake a very vivid compulsion from my imagination. I could feel the cold barrel of a gun against my temple. I imagined holding the gun, and slowly squeezing the trigger until it popped. I imagined killing myself. Again and again.

I know the combination to my parents' safe. My father keeps a 9mm pistol in there. The rate at which the compulsions I mentioned before has begun to increase, and is now a daily occurrence. Each day I have to actively fight the urge to enter their room and remove the weapon from the safe. To kill myself, essentially.

Right now at this very moment I do not wish to die, but when I fall into these pits of depression, ending my own life becomes all I can think about.

I've opened up about the emotions behind these compulsions ever so slightly to a few close members of my extended family. I was basically told several different versions of "Get over it". So far this has not helped.

If I do not get better soon, then I fear that the worst may come to pass.

I'm sorry.

I love you, Mushi.

Please call this number immediately. It's a suicide prevention helpline.

1-800-273-8255

I love you, and I want you to talk to someone who can help you right now.

I really cannot say anything except that I agree with SD's advice.

I sincerely hope you find help and are able to fight off these increasingly scary thoughts. Love you.

Please don't hurt yourself, man. Even people who care about you can be uncomfortable or just poorly equipped to help you with this sort of thing. Listen to SD and get some help from someone who understands these feelings. Know that there are people who have been where you are and have gotten better.

Oh gosh, [USER=30209]@Mushi[/USER]... thank you for your courage in talking with us. You are very important and loved in this world even if you don't see it or feel it. Very much loved. Please call the number ESSDEE posted. Do it now and tell the person who answers what you told us. They will help.

I am not a medical professional but you seem to have signs of depression and there are ways to help you through that. *giant hugs for you*

With the first, most important thing addressed, let me continue my thoughts...

I'm far away and by no means a professional counsellor, but you recognise that friends can play a significant part in helping you step away from those destructive urges. Thank you for coming here, Mushi, and opening up about your scary experiences. It's incredibly brave for you to tell us. I value that you're comfortable enough here, and trust us enough, to talk about your feelings.

All I can do is be here, and listen to anything you need to say. I can't help fix the parts of your life which are bringing you down except to listen and let you vent some of the stress, but I hope that will be just enough to get you through to the next step. One day at a time. One moment. If you ever feel it's going to overflow, I want you to call the lifeline again. They can help you more in that exact instant than most others can. A lot of the people on the other end of that phone line have been through these same awful thoughts. They know how hard it is. They can help.

As soon as possible, it's time to reach out for more help than what your family can give you and see a doctor. There is a reason you're feeling this way, and those feelings can be dealt with, the reason addressed. It's not overnight, there's no simple fix. But you want to live. When this dark place is behind you, there will be many, many years of good times ahead. This is a momentary fight you can overcome. A doctor can work with you to heal the illness that is making you fall into these damaging thought cycles.

You are important. You're brave and caring. And this period in your life will not last forever, even though it may feel like there's no hope and no end except that final one. You are not alone in leaving college (I've never been at all). You're not alone in struggling to find work. You're not alone in living with family. You're not alone in your feelings of anger and frustration and loneliness and sometimes saying or doing something hurtful to the people you love. It's hard, but learning to forgive yourself for being human is an important step to take. And you obviously have contributed to this world already, because you admit you've helped your friends to make the decision to keep living. You make a positive difference by being here.

Call the suicide prevention number. Get through this moment, this day. Then you can make an appointment to see a doctor and start getting better. It will be okay. We all love you.

We're glad to have you back, Mushi! Hope you stick around. Give that phone number a call.

And remember, "I'm-a Mushi, number one!"

first off, phone that number should you ever take a dip, there are people there ready to help you whenever you need it.

secondly, i know how it feels buddy, ive seen it around me and had it happen to myself, theres no getting over it, you're right. but for you to get this far, to actively seek out help, even if it is a forum post tells me you're a strong dude. life is full of hard times, it hasnt and will never stop, but the good time have never and will never stop either. that's what makes life so beautiful, you can fall and fall and fall, but people will always be there to pick you up and you?
you can still laugh, you can still cry, you can be happy and angry, you can step outside and feel the rain, sun wind or snow against your skin. you are alive, and with the right stuff, which i KNOW you have from this topic alone, you can fight against that darkness that tries to creep its way into your life. just remember, YOU are the captain of your ship, not the crushing weight of sadness, and you can beat it.

and if you ever need help, outside of the number sd gave you, i personally will be there if you need me, you have me on facebook and steam, so gimme a shout if you need me. i cant make the pain stop, but i can lend you an ear if you ever need to talk about anything, no matter how small.

life is beautiful and we only have one chance, so you keep fighting against it buddy, and all of us will have your back.

For what it's worth, I've always thought of you as a friend and I care about you. We do care, you matter. If you feel strongly about this, please seek out someone who's competent and capable of helping you, and not just us.

That said, you're more than welcome to talk to us here, I know I'm willing to listen if you need me.

- A.I.

I just want to re-echo SD's first advice. We would hate to see anything bad happen to you, Mushi.

I'm really proud of you for fighting the urges you've felt so far and for having the courage to open up to us on this forum. You're strong and have proven that you have the strength and courage to fight this. Please call the number SD posted if you experience another such urge. They really will help you.

I'm glad you were brave enough to reach out to people for help. Please continue to do so if you need support. VGF is here, and my inbox is open too if you feel so inclined.

All of the wonderful people above have said it better than I can, but you know you can talk to me any time, as you have in the past. I love you, dude, and you know I'm your friend. This kind of thing is truly difficult, man. But going by what I've experienced, when you're in that dark, blank place where everyone's voice turns to static around you, always try to reach out, there's always a hand to grab onto right where you need it to be. I know it is never easy, but you've done that here in this thread. I'll repeat what everyone is saying because I feel strongly about this: you are strong, you have the will to survive, you can do this, please do not hesitate to continue reaching out any time you need.

Hey guys. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm alright. Sorry about making you all worry about me, I was just feeling about as low as I ever have. I'm fine right now, everything is fine. My cousins who I mentioned in my first post are coming around to spend some time with me. I think they know how I feel, though I didn't implicitly tell them my deepest feelings.

I think I'm going to be okay. I didn't call that number, SD, but I want to thank you for caring about me. You too, AI. And Panfan. And Cap. And Masa. And Marilink. And HOTD. And Deku Tree. And Galefore. And whoever deck the halls is, I can't tell what your original name was. Sorry about that.

Thanks guys. I really needed this. Again, sorry for making you all worry. I want to get better... and I think I can now.

Glad to hear it, Mushi. You know where you can come, anytime.

Mushi! Hello, again!
Don't hurt yourself, man. Sure life can suck really bad at times, but it always gets better.
<3

I'm really glad to hear! Don't hesitate to reach out if you need to again at any time.

Also this is CL lol sorry

You never have to be sorry for reaching out to us. <3

I'm very happy to hear Mushi. You're doing great bud.
<3

You have no need to feel sorry for asking for support and understanding. I am so happy that you are alright, Mushi, but please still go see a doctor and have him clear you for any deficiencies and check up on your emotional welfare. We will be here for you now and whenever you need... and please stay a while and post... I have missed you... *gives you marshmallows*

Good luck dealing with it. Tempting as it may be, it won't solve anything; rather, it will just negate the problem (which may seem like an option if you can't see a solution, but if we could see the solution it wouldn't really be a problem).

Hope I don't come off coldly philosophical or something, I'm just better at reasoning than dealing with emotions (my own or anyone's), but I really want you to be alright. Like everyone else, I really am here for you.