I'm writing this in order to clear my mind and if it helps others then that's good too. Back when I was in the sixth grade I remember being enrolled in a fine arts school that had a rigorous academic program. Honestly, I wasn't doing well and I made up a story to my parents that my lower right body was in pain. I faked having my appendix in pain so that I could have surgery to get my appendix removed so I could stay out of school. It worked. Unfortunately, a side effect to this was that afterwards I had my hands infected from a dirty IV and what turned into an overnight stay turned into a six week nightmare in the hospital for me. Karma I guess. I had now developed abscesses on my wrists which required emergency surgery. This definitely didn't bode well for me and I was falling more behind in school. I wanted to run away from school for only a little but it turned into me being worse than I was before mentally. With all of the pressures I decided to take a bunch of my little brother's prescriptions in hopes of overdosing. Idk if you remember me faking my death but that was me hopefully ending it there so that my friends here wouldn't miss me. Well, I didn't die from that and I went through therapy to deal with it. I had convinced my family to let me attend public school from then on where I excelled. Later in life when I was 23 I contemplated suicide again because I wasn't doing well with my life. I had taken time off from college without telling my family and the pressures of that were caving in on me. I ended up in a mental ward for a week until which after I was released. Unfortunately during that time I was also wrongly accused of a crime I didn't commit. The FBI and police were going to arrest me but for whatever reason didn't take any action but threaten me. I spent 10,000 on a lawyer retainer fee for nothing. Again....during this time I came clean to my mom about it. I went back to college and graduated with a respiratory care degree just recently. To find work you have to pass your CRT and RRT boards. I've been struggling the past 7 months to get past those hurdles and am still struggling with it. This morning I had one of those bad thoughts again of just ending it. The pressures were getting to me but I decided to preemptively tell me mom immediately that it was getting to be too much. She wasn't thrilled but gave me money for resources to help me. At that point my bad thoughts went away. As relieving as it'd be for wanting to end my life and end the suffering I have I can't do it. I struggle through it. I have a terrible family setting. My dad's a drug addict who ran out on us when I was 14, I'm one of five children and was the one screwed over with a normal life as my older siblings got out before the divorce happened. My dad successfully ran away with all of our money. That'd explain my period of absence when I was gone between 2001-2004. Me, my brother, and my mom had to make a brand new life. Right now as I write this I'd love to have ended it all just to end my suffering I deal with but I struggle through it in hopes that maybe one day god or the world will reward me. I never put this into words but felt it appropriate. I feel better putting this out there. Don't any of you make the mistakes I've made in my life. I've grown a lot as a person over the years. I've matured a lot.
EDIT: that crime I was accused of, I'd love to know what it was. They came and forced me to sign something then confiscated my electronics without explanation. That was like...4 or 5 years ago? Oh yeah, AI you were right about college.
I used to contemplate suicide
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Jesus
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KhaieshaChai
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That's some very personal stuff. I hope you feel better having shared it at least. If you have any money saved up, and come to the point of really wanting to die sometime in the future, I recommend taking a trip instead.
I once became so apathetic that I truly didn't care what happened to myself, and I was just tired of everything. I chose a random country, bought a one way ticket, and flew away. I slept on the streets, in cheap hostels, and at random people's apartments, living out of a single backpack for several months. It sounds miserable, and at times it was, but that was one of the most important experiences of my life. I would like to do it again.
It's so much better than dying, and if you're really ready to throw everything away, at least give yourself a cool adventure out of it.
I met so many amazing people that really brought back my faith in humanity. There's not really anyone like that around me right now, and it shows in my attitude, which is why I'd really like to go for Homeless Khaiesha: Round 2 within the next year or so.
I once became so apathetic that I truly didn't care what happened to myself, and I was just tired of everything. I chose a random country, bought a one way ticket, and flew away. I slept on the streets, in cheap hostels, and at random people's apartments, living out of a single backpack for several months. It sounds miserable, and at times it was, but that was one of the most important experiences of my life. I would like to do it again.
It's so much better than dying, and if you're really ready to throw everything away, at least give yourself a cool adventure out of it.
I met so many amazing people that really brought back my faith in humanity. There's not really anyone like that around me right now, and it shows in my attitude, which is why I'd really like to go for Homeless Khaiesha: Round 2 within the next year or so.
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Jesus
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ScottyMcGee
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Damn, man. Feels.
I once was apathetic about my future, to the point where I sort-of-kind-of almost killed myself. It was my senior year of college and I was in a big slump because I realized that I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life and I found out my father had been having an affair(s) for years and was generally misogynist and treated my mother like sh*t. I had an existential crisis because I looked at my own relationship with my girlfriend, who was new at the time, and realized subtleties where I was like my own father. I would flirt with other girls and had the incessant need to f*ck anything with boobs. I wasn't a slob about it or an obnoxious asshat - I'd just not pay attention to my girlfriend. I first wrestled with misogyny back in early high school with the first girl I fell in love with. She confided in me about her rape and that set me off on a high-school-long battle against misogyny. But I even felt guilty about myself, like the fact that I was simply a man was deserving of punishment.
Anyway. So going back to the future, I was in senior year and after finding out about my father I suddenly realized that things would probably be better if I was just not around. I saw my future as relatively useless because my own college adviser withheld information from me about what I could do in life because she didn't think I was good enough. I heard about this through another friend who had her as an adviser, and it really made me feel bummed out. I just couldn't jive with the thougt of having a single career path in life, since I've always wanted to do multiple things. I felt like society was forcing me to choose and funnel down my dreams through one tunnel. I honestly have no idea how I got to get a job in my biology degree while everyone else in my class did so much better than I did and are still scrambling. If anything, I became an example of how you could half-ass your way through a serious job and still get what you want.
Granted, I was nowhere near a position like you. I ddin't voluntarily try to kill myself but I had a laissaz-faire attitude about death. It was pretty much "If I get stuck walking across a railroad and a train is coming I'd just not worry about it and let it take me." So one day in senior year I was invited to a crazy-ass party, like a super crazy one that I had never been at before with these new people I met down the hall. So I was completely on my own. My girlfriend wasn't there so I was flirting again with whoever I wanted. I started to get drink and then thought "F*ck it" and continued and didn't care if I would die. I didn't like these new people anyway and actually thought that if I were to die, it would be like framing them with a dead body on their hands. Yeah. I really did not care about them.
Well.
I woke up in the hospital the next morning. Apparently I almost died. My girlfriend had found me in the hallway and was my sole savior. She had called the emergency line at campus and they came and rescucitated me, but I was still realtively inresponsive so they took me in.
The hospital people were asshats by the way. Apparently the hospital across from my college isn't that good, and they hold onto this stereotype where any young adult that comes in from alcohol intoxication is just another airhead. I was talked down to by the doctor and almost reared my fist to knock his face off. My RA picked me up and calmed me down. Of course my parents were notified over the night and they visited me and I made up the usual "I was the victim here" story. To this day, they just think I was influenced by the new people I had met and didn't gague myself. Only a couple people knew the truth of what happened and why, but I'm slowly revealing it and treating it like "Yeah, so that happened."
So yeah. That was my biggest slump.
You need to find good music when you feel like that. If I had paid more attention to Billy Joel back then, I probably would have steered my thoughts.
I once was apathetic about my future, to the point where I sort-of-kind-of almost killed myself. It was my senior year of college and I was in a big slump because I realized that I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life and I found out my father had been having an affair(s) for years and was generally misogynist and treated my mother like sh*t. I had an existential crisis because I looked at my own relationship with my girlfriend, who was new at the time, and realized subtleties where I was like my own father. I would flirt with other girls and had the incessant need to f*ck anything with boobs. I wasn't a slob about it or an obnoxious asshat - I'd just not pay attention to my girlfriend. I first wrestled with misogyny back in early high school with the first girl I fell in love with. She confided in me about her rape and that set me off on a high-school-long battle against misogyny. But I even felt guilty about myself, like the fact that I was simply a man was deserving of punishment.
Anyway. So going back to the future, I was in senior year and after finding out about my father I suddenly realized that things would probably be better if I was just not around. I saw my future as relatively useless because my own college adviser withheld information from me about what I could do in life because she didn't think I was good enough. I heard about this through another friend who had her as an adviser, and it really made me feel bummed out. I just couldn't jive with the thougt of having a single career path in life, since I've always wanted to do multiple things. I felt like society was forcing me to choose and funnel down my dreams through one tunnel. I honestly have no idea how I got to get a job in my biology degree while everyone else in my class did so much better than I did and are still scrambling. If anything, I became an example of how you could half-ass your way through a serious job and still get what you want.
Granted, I was nowhere near a position like you. I ddin't voluntarily try to kill myself but I had a laissaz-faire attitude about death. It was pretty much "If I get stuck walking across a railroad and a train is coming I'd just not worry about it and let it take me." So one day in senior year I was invited to a crazy-ass party, like a super crazy one that I had never been at before with these new people I met down the hall. So I was completely on my own. My girlfriend wasn't there so I was flirting again with whoever I wanted. I started to get drink and then thought "F*ck it" and continued and didn't care if I would die. I didn't like these new people anyway and actually thought that if I were to die, it would be like framing them with a dead body on their hands. Yeah. I really did not care about them.
Well.
I woke up in the hospital the next morning. Apparently I almost died. My girlfriend had found me in the hallway and was my sole savior. She had called the emergency line at campus and they came and rescucitated me, but I was still realtively inresponsive so they took me in.
The hospital people were asshats by the way. Apparently the hospital across from my college isn't that good, and they hold onto this stereotype where any young adult that comes in from alcohol intoxication is just another airhead. I was talked down to by the doctor and almost reared my fist to knock his face off. My RA picked me up and calmed me down. Of course my parents were notified over the night and they visited me and I made up the usual "I was the victim here" story. To this day, they just think I was influenced by the new people I had met and didn't gague myself. Only a couple people knew the truth of what happened and why, but I'm slowly revealing it and treating it like "Yeah, so that happened."
So yeah. That was my biggest slump.
You need to find good music when you feel like that. If I had paid more attention to Billy Joel back then, I probably would have steered my thoughts.
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I REALLY HATE POKEMON!
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[QUOTE="KhaieshaChai, post: 1528513, member: 40004"]That's some very personal stuff. I hope you feel better having shared it at least. If you have any money saved up, and come to the point of really wanting to die sometime in the future, I recommend taking a trip instead.
I once became so apathetic that I truly didn't care what happened to myself, and I was just tired of everything. I chose a random country, bought a one way ticket, and flew away. I slept on the streets, in cheap hostels, and at random people's apartments, living out of a single backpack for several months. It sounds miserable, and at times it was, but that was one of the most important experiences of my life. I would like to do it again.
It's so much better than dying, and if you're really ready to throw everything away, at least give yourself a cool adventure out of it.
I met so many amazing people that really brought back my faith in humanity. There's not really anyone like that around me right now, and it shows in my attitude, which is why I'd really like to go for Homeless Khaiesha: Round 2 within the next year or so.[/QUOTE]
You're amazing, I'd like to do that but I ain't cut out for it...
I once became so apathetic that I truly didn't care what happened to myself, and I was just tired of everything. I chose a random country, bought a one way ticket, and flew away. I slept on the streets, in cheap hostels, and at random people's apartments, living out of a single backpack for several months. It sounds miserable, and at times it was, but that was one of the most important experiences of my life. I would like to do it again.
It's so much better than dying, and if you're really ready to throw everything away, at least give yourself a cool adventure out of it.
I met so many amazing people that really brought back my faith in humanity. There's not really anyone like that around me right now, and it shows in my attitude, which is why I'd really like to go for Homeless Khaiesha: Round 2 within the next year or so.[/QUOTE]
You're amazing, I'd like to do that but I ain't cut out for it...
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Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds
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You've done a very strong and brave thing by reaching out when you recognised your emotional state was getting unmanageable again. You should be so proud for asking for help when you need it. You know how hard it is. You also know it won't stay like this forever. Thank you for looking after yourself. Be well. <3
Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself.
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Jesus
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I have a hard time handling stress. I've known I've done good and creative things with my life and I wanna continue doing so. It's just that sometimes it gets to be too much to bear. The bad thoughts just get to me and I have this like snap thing where I think it would be nice to end it all but that's the easy way out. And yeah, I realize I just threw my life story up there but I felt it nice to finally put it into words.
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ScottyMcGee
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Talking about it always helps. Somebody listening to you is always a good feeling, even when they don't say much. I used to give great advice and then somehow when I got older my response would always be, "Well, f*ck." But I've come to realize that you don't always have to give some influential Gandalf-like speech.
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Jesus
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I guess I still have that attitude of feeling like I would be happier as a dead man. But I know there's a few people I still hold dear to to me. I couldn't abandon the few I actually care about. If it wasn't for them I'd be dead already to be honest. It's not even family either. There's a girl out there who looks up to me for guidance and such so I won't abandon her. She's my main reason I am still kicking around. She has no clue about this either. The way life works though, society in the US makes it hard to get out of our ruts. We go to college, graduate, and in my case have to take tests with a high failure rate just to obtain a job. With other degree types, companies only hire those with experience. Not to mention thanks to a 2006 decision to enslave students to a lifetime of debt they can't claim on bankruptcy even. Society wants us to fail. I feel it constantly around me and it's bothersome to even try. I try to change myself and only end up with the odds against me. I didn't have the life growing up that my friends did! I'm jealous of that and the fact I'll never have it. I didn't choose to be brought up in a broken home! My family doesn't even realize the position it's put into my future! Maybe I'm selfish for saying that but I want a new life because my life now sucks. Yeah I'm educated but what's that gotten me? More stress! Without my friend who I won't name, I'd be dead already. End of story. That's my reason for living on. Not myself or family. Just one kid who still needs me. What sucks is that I still feel alone. I'm reaching out and I know I'll never kill myself but still....the world's against me and I know it.
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Heroine of the Dragon
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I'm so sorry that things have been tough for you, Jesus!! :hugonwings: I read your posts and I'd like to suggest that you need to learn to recognise your stresses and learn ways to cope and manage those stresses before they become too much for you. What works for one person may not necessarily work for you, so you need to find the "magic" that works for you.
Things to consider:
Although you cannot avoid all stress and nor should you, you can take steps to avoid stress that you can say 'no' to. Eg. if a particular person stresses you out, do not engage them. Give yourself enough time to do what needs to be done.
If you cannot change the stress, then do something about it... maybe talk about it or be willing to compromise.
If that doesn't work, then consider the way you approach things and change your reaction... for example, when you feel stressed and bad thoughts start to occur, stop and force yourself to think about all the things you appreciate and like.
And finally, we come to acceptance. If you can't change, won't change or it's too hard to change, then it may be time to accept it and let it just be.
That's the very succinct version. There's plenty of information online on ways to deal with stress... and of course, you should talk with a professional if you wish.
Share your feelings with someone... or us, if you don't want to talk to someone you actually know and only if you feel comfortable telling us. We're always here to listen!! ;) And spend some time thinking positive thoughts... think good things of yourself, Jesus. Also, it is necessary to do something for yourself... warm bubblebath or lovely walk or even just tuck yourself up and enjoy a hot chocolate/coffee/tea.
Good luck and I do hope things improve for you!! And, have a grinnie...
Things to consider:
Although you cannot avoid all stress and nor should you, you can take steps to avoid stress that you can say 'no' to. Eg. if a particular person stresses you out, do not engage them. Give yourself enough time to do what needs to be done.
If you cannot change the stress, then do something about it... maybe talk about it or be willing to compromise.
If that doesn't work, then consider the way you approach things and change your reaction... for example, when you feel stressed and bad thoughts start to occur, stop and force yourself to think about all the things you appreciate and like.
And finally, we come to acceptance. If you can't change, won't change or it's too hard to change, then it may be time to accept it and let it just be.
That's the very succinct version. There's plenty of information online on ways to deal with stress... and of course, you should talk with a professional if you wish.
Share your feelings with someone... or us, if you don't want to talk to someone you actually know and only if you feel comfortable telling us. We're always here to listen!! ;) And spend some time thinking positive thoughts... think good things of yourself, Jesus. Also, it is necessary to do something for yourself... warm bubblebath or lovely walk or even just tuck yourself up and enjoy a hot chocolate/coffee/tea.
Good luck and I do hope things improve for you!! And, have a grinnie...
She lives in the clouds and talks to the birds...
Happiest faerie of VGF.
Happiest faerie of VGF.
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Jesus
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Kil'jaeden
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Bomby
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I know I've mentioned on here at least a few times that I have bipolar disorder, which can make life incredibly difficult to deal with at times. Having dealt with severe kidney impairment my entire life doesn't help the matter. I've never really had suicidal thoughts so much as waking up wishing that someone would spray me with a barrage of gunshots. But... with that severe kidney impairment, I've also come close enough to death that have made me feel like I'm not ready to go yet. Or alternately, during a month-long stay in the hospital five years ago, I was just about to say "**** it" and have the doctors just let me die.
The funny thing is, of everything on the planet, what makes me sad about the repercussions of actually dying is that my dogs, who I love more than anything else in the world, wouldn't understand why I wasn't around, and that they would never see me again. So yeah. Life sucks. The I play with my dogs, or listen to Grimes and Kanye West and Girls' Generation, or watch Kung Fu movies, and I find that little spark that helps me deal with it.
So I guess what I'm saying is that finding forms of escapism to balance out depression seems to be working for me. Maybe it wouldn't work for everyone. I don't know.
[QUOTE="KhaieshaChai, post: 1528513, member: 40004"]I once became so apathetic that I truly didn't care what happened to myself, and I was just tired of everything. I chose a random country, bought a one way ticket, and flew away. I slept on the streets, in cheap hostels, and at random people's apartments, living out of a single backpack for several months. It sounds miserable, and at times it was, but that was one of the most important experiences of my life. I would like to do it again.[/QUOTE]
This is really quite beautiful (minus the part about getting so apathetic that you didn't care what happened to yourself). It's something that crosses my mind whenever I find myself just wanting to get the **** away from my life... then I remember that I need good health insurance so as not to die from chronic illnesses. :grumpy2:
The funny thing is, of everything on the planet, what makes me sad about the repercussions of actually dying is that my dogs, who I love more than anything else in the world, wouldn't understand why I wasn't around, and that they would never see me again. So yeah. Life sucks. The I play with my dogs, or listen to Grimes and Kanye West and Girls' Generation, or watch Kung Fu movies, and I find that little spark that helps me deal with it.
So I guess what I'm saying is that finding forms of escapism to balance out depression seems to be working for me. Maybe it wouldn't work for everyone. I don't know.
[QUOTE="KhaieshaChai, post: 1528513, member: 40004"]I once became so apathetic that I truly didn't care what happened to myself, and I was just tired of everything. I chose a random country, bought a one way ticket, and flew away. I slept on the streets, in cheap hostels, and at random people's apartments, living out of a single backpack for several months. It sounds miserable, and at times it was, but that was one of the most important experiences of my life. I would like to do it again.[/QUOTE]
This is really quite beautiful (minus the part about getting so apathetic that you didn't care what happened to yourself). It's something that crosses my mind whenever I find myself just wanting to get the **** away from my life... then I remember that I need good health insurance so as not to die from chronic illnesses. :grumpy2:
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KhaieshaChai
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[QUOTE="King Bomby, post: 1529045, member: 17840"]The I play with my dogs, or listen to Grimes and Kanye West and Girls' Generation, or watch Kung Fu movies, and I find that little spark that helps me deal with it.
So I guess what I'm saying is that finding forms of escapism to balance out depression seems to be working for me. Maybe it wouldn't work for everyone. I don't know.[/QUOTE]
That's the most amazing combination of music XD. I am turning heavily to escapism myself. If I'm not at work, I'm most likely in my room. I just started watching Welcome to the NHK and the "newest" season of Rozen Maiden, and I have to say that I kind of took an emotional hit when I realized how much my life is trending toward hikikomori status.
Haha, I think this discussion opened a can of worms for some of us.
So I guess what I'm saying is that finding forms of escapism to balance out depression seems to be working for me. Maybe it wouldn't work for everyone. I don't know.[/QUOTE]
That's the most amazing combination of music XD. I am turning heavily to escapism myself. If I'm not at work, I'm most likely in my room. I just started watching Welcome to the NHK and the "newest" season of Rozen Maiden, and I have to say that I kind of took an emotional hit when I realized how much my life is trending toward hikikomori status.
Haha, I think this discussion opened a can of worms for some of us.
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Kil'jaeden
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[QUOTE="Jesus, post: 1528997, member: 16999"]^I guess when I can overcome the struggles I constantly face and when I can have a period where I can say I'm relaxed. I know I'm close to that though. It's just a pain in the ass dealing with it because when I take one step towards it, it seems like my goal runs farther away.[/QUOTE]
I know that one time you got angry with me about my comments on suicide. I do disapprove of it very strongly for most cases. But I understand how you feel. I have been more fortunate in my circumstances than you. My family had a lot of problems, but things are better now than they were back then. I think it is best to just bravely face things as they come. Things tend to get better for people if they can bear to be patient.
I know that one time you got angry with me about my comments on suicide. I do disapprove of it very strongly for most cases. But I understand how you feel. I have been more fortunate in my circumstances than you. My family had a lot of problems, but things are better now than they were back then. I think it is best to just bravely face things as they come. Things tend to get better for people if they can bear to be patient.
The man who is blind, deaf,and silent lives in peace.