Konnichiwa, Misanthropy-Sensei Vol. VII
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Valigarmander
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^^ Well, that's up to you guys, isn't it? 
________________________________________________________________________
[QUOTE="Valigarmander, post: 1587925, member: 30663"]The third option. It's what I usually do.[/QUOTE]
I suddenly demonstrated a relapse of hopelessness. Don't know why. Perhaps I was slapped with a dose of reality from some otherworldly influence.
However, my brother, bless his stupid soul, managed to persuade me otherwise after some kind words and gentle actions.
Shouyu: OH NO SON--YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY!
Shoemi: MY DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS ARE SUFFICIENT. GET OFF ME!!
After subtly realizing the fruitlessness of resisting, I managed to finally realize that taking the first step was inevitable.
Shouyu: LET GO OF THE **** BLANKET
I calmly composed myself and followed Shou down the stairs and straight into the kitchen.
There was dad at the table, mumbling under his breath over the buffoonery of the outside world, paraphrased before him in the newspaper. Hopefully, his eyes remain there and not cast upon me. Lord knows how many days I've managed to not grab his attention and have him bitch to me about how I should not look like so much of a disheveled pathetic loser every morning. Not my fault that I'm not really a morning person.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT I CAN'T COMPARE TO SOMEONE WHOSE JOB IS BEING A **** LUMBERJACK, INSISTING ON AXES OVER MACHINERY AND FIGHTING OFF BEARS AND HONEY BADGERS WITH YOUR BARE-****-HANDS, DAD.
...Sorry--where was I?... Oh right
As for Shou, he leaves me be and heads straight into the kitchen to offer help to mom. As if she ever needs help with her craft. My mom is probably the best cook there ever was so no doubt Shou is just ingratiating himself to mom. As usual.
...No, mom--don't accept his help, he's just--!!
...Goddamn it. She gave him a spatula. Goddamn it. Goddamn it.
Whatever. Mom was always the pinnacle of kindness. Well, as long as I'm not catching her sleeping. She always seemed to be a chronic sleeper since she was young. I've always wondered how many of her friends thought she was depressed. Sometimes my mom likes to play that up for **** and giggles to them. Not exactly something I condone but given how much that assumption bothers her, making a joke out of it is probably her way of coping.
Yeah, mom and dad really contrast each other. Given how much of a **** hardass my dad is, the fact his wife happens to be his foil sounds like the biggest effing cliche. Still, that's not to say they both don't have their moments. Mom gets really **** hyped if provoked sometimes. I recall one time, mom, dad and Bomb's parents go together to play football, I think. At first, mom reluctantly played along, but by the last minute, mom was doing elbow drops and **** suplexes after tackles. I heard dad was really scared of her that day. Man, good thing Bomb's parents are such good-natured weirdos or they probably would've sued for Silva's busted clavicle instead of laughing it off and criticizing mom's wrestling form.
Mom was always supportive of my efforts to get a girl of my own, so maybe talking to her would help with my agenda today. Dad... um... uh, well maybe I could get some good advice from him as well... I just have to remember that he's only hard on me because he cares. I guess referring to Shou about today's events probably wouldn't hurt as well.
FIRST REPLY CHOOSES. OTHERWISE CHOSEN AT RANDOM AFTER SOME TIME.
________________________________________________________________________
[QUOTE="Valigarmander, post: 1587925, member: 30663"]The third option. It's what I usually do.[/QUOTE]
I suddenly demonstrated a relapse of hopelessness. Don't know why. Perhaps I was slapped with a dose of reality from some otherworldly influence.
However, my brother, bless his stupid soul, managed to persuade me otherwise after some kind words and gentle actions.
Shouyu: OH NO SON--YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY!
Shoemi: MY DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS ARE SUFFICIENT. GET OFF ME!!
After subtly realizing the fruitlessness of resisting, I managed to finally realize that taking the first step was inevitable.
Shouyu: LET GO OF THE **** BLANKET
I calmly composed myself and followed Shou down the stairs and straight into the kitchen.
There was dad at the table, mumbling under his breath over the buffoonery of the outside world, paraphrased before him in the newspaper. Hopefully, his eyes remain there and not cast upon me. Lord knows how many days I've managed to not grab his attention and have him bitch to me about how I should not look like so much of a disheveled pathetic loser every morning. Not my fault that I'm not really a morning person.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT I CAN'T COMPARE TO SOMEONE WHOSE JOB IS BEING A **** LUMBERJACK, INSISTING ON AXES OVER MACHINERY AND FIGHTING OFF BEARS AND HONEY BADGERS WITH YOUR BARE-****-HANDS, DAD.
...Sorry--where was I?... Oh right
As for Shou, he leaves me be and heads straight into the kitchen to offer help to mom. As if she ever needs help with her craft. My mom is probably the best cook there ever was so no doubt Shou is just ingratiating himself to mom. As usual.
...No, mom--don't accept his help, he's just--!!
...Goddamn it. She gave him a spatula. Goddamn it. Goddamn it.
Whatever. Mom was always the pinnacle of kindness. Well, as long as I'm not catching her sleeping. She always seemed to be a chronic sleeper since she was young. I've always wondered how many of her friends thought she was depressed. Sometimes my mom likes to play that up for **** and giggles to them. Not exactly something I condone but given how much that assumption bothers her, making a joke out of it is probably her way of coping.
Yeah, mom and dad really contrast each other. Given how much of a **** hardass my dad is, the fact his wife happens to be his foil sounds like the biggest effing cliche. Still, that's not to say they both don't have their moments. Mom gets really **** hyped if provoked sometimes. I recall one time, mom, dad and Bomb's parents go together to play football, I think. At first, mom reluctantly played along, but by the last minute, mom was doing elbow drops and **** suplexes after tackles. I heard dad was really scared of her that day. Man, good thing Bomb's parents are such good-natured weirdos or they probably would've sued for Silva's busted clavicle instead of laughing it off and criticizing mom's wrestling form.
Mom was always supportive of my efforts to get a girl of my own, so maybe talking to her would help with my agenda today. Dad... um... uh, well maybe I could get some good advice from him as well... I just have to remember that he's only hard on me because he cares. I guess referring to Shou about today's events probably wouldn't hurt as well.
FIRST REPLY CHOOSES. OTHERWISE CHOSEN AT RANDOM AFTER SOME TIME.
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[QUOTE="LOOT, post: 1588120, member: 21459"]I wanna ask dad about axes and be a real cool person for once in my miserable life[/QUOTE]
Against my better judgement, I chose to strike up a chat with dad. I figured maybe for once I need my advice overly caustic and forcibly rammed into my ears in order to set myself straight for this to work.
I sat down next to him and got it over with. And by "got it over with" I mean "stayed as silently as possible until he made eye contact with me". After about 3 anxiety-riddled minutes, he finally turned to me.
Shoemi: What the--Dad, how the hell are over there and at the table at the same time?
Sho: Cut the fourth wall bull****--We're talking about a potential girl for you that I'm finally having a smidgen of hope about because I hear Shouyu's dead set on holding your hand throughout this debacle.
Shoemi: Right. But before we get into that, can I ask you about axes?
Sho: What?
Shoemi: ...You know... The tools... of your trade...
Sho: What?! What the **** does that have to do with anything? Just shut up and listen, alright?
Shoemi: ...k...
Sho: I can't even count how many times you've ventured out with the prospects of finding yourself a woman, and every time you've returned you're battered mentally and sometimes even physically. I don't care how--it only matters to me that you failed. Now with your brother--someone who actually takes after me in terms of charisma--by your side, hopefully for once you can make me proud in this aspect. And to start off, RIGHT NOW, you can at least show me some assertion that you will succeed. How about that? Too much to ask? Girls like men who assert themselves, boy--show me how confident you are!
Shoemi: ...I'm confident.
Sho: Are you **** serious?... I said TELL ME HOW CONFIDENT YOU ARE.
Shoemi: I'M CONFIDENT THAT I'LL GET A GIRL THIS TIME, SIR!
Sho: ...Eh. Not buying it. But at least you're trying. You can at least feign assertion pretty well. Who knows, maybe you can make something real out of all that.
Shoemi: ...Uh, is there any advice you can give me that'll help?
Sho: Let's see... Taking time to help your mother with the chores, doing your own laundry, setting your alarm earlier so you won't be so late for work as usual...
Shoemi: ...I meant... I meant relationship advice...
Sho: ...Hold on--let me at least say you should remember to lock your goddamn door more often. It's bad enough we hear you sometimes.
Shoemi: RELATIONSHIP ADVICE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Sho: All I can advise you is to not be so **** choosy. I recall a blind date you had that you called off because she insisted the world was flat. What was that ****, Shoe? Why?
Shoemi: Seriously, I don't know, dad--I mean, there's so much evidence that goes against the flat Earth theory, but due to the scale of the planet, you can't really prove it to these people in a matter-of-fact way--
Sho: I MEANT WHY DID YOU BREAK IT OFF WITH HER JUST FOR THAT, YOU IDIOT.
Shoemi: ...Because of science...
Sho: My point is that you lower your standards a **** bit, alright? If you do that, maybe you can see something better within your potential dates after some time. Stop being so focused on one thing when there are so many more options around.
Shoemi: Don't see the forest for the trees, dad?
Sho: ...
Shoemi: ...You know... because you work at a forest...
Sho: Quiet.
Shoemi: Sorry.
Sho: ...But yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Shoemi: Didn't you fawn after mom exclusively for like three years throughout college until she finally took you?
I don't know what compelled me to call him out like that. Maybe I figured I was already this far gone into conversation with him that I might as well. I braced for the worst, but all he did was muster a cold grimace, throw down his paper and leave the table. It's fortunate I haven't showered yet, as at this exact moment, the perspiration reached a point I feel like I already have. Then mom chimed in...
Tomoki: Ooh... Nice job asserting yourself, Shoe. I really appreciated that.
Shoemi: ...Th-...thanks.
Tomoki: Hope you felt he wasn't too hard on you, because I feel he was going pretty light in comparison. Ever since Shou told us that he's going to help you out, he seemed pretty optimistic.
Shoemi: ...Really?
For once since I started this whole thing, I felt a genuine iota of confidence. I still have a lot more leveling up--I mean, work to do.
Tomoki: I'm sure you already know how I feel about all this.
Shoemi: No matter what, you're proud of me no matter what comes of this because I did my best.
Tomoki: *giggle* ...I know, really typical mother stuff but that's just how I roll. And don't worry about your dad--he'll be proud as well, despite him showing otherwise. I mean, he used to be in your shoes as well.
Shoemi: ...Yeah, but don't mention that around him.
Tomoki: Screw that--I rub that in his face as often as possible especially when he comes down on you.
Shoemi: You're the best, mom.
Tomoki: Anyway, before you eat, freshen up and go...
Mom leaned over to say the following as if to not be heard by Shou and dad...
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[QUOTE="Valigarmander, post: 1588466, member: 30663"]Is there a hidden fifth option to make Shoe hit on his own mom?[/QUOTE]
whoa man--standards aren't that low just yet
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[QUOTE="Jere, post: 1588470, member: 35148"]let's go with the 20$ forcing some creativity here![/QUOTE]
Just as the words escaped my mouth, mom's usual bright expression turned a little bit darker.
Tomoki: Oh, dear. Um... Shoe. Sweetie. I mean, you're potentially going to take out a nice girl and you do want to make a good first impression, right? You... you sure you want her to possibly think you're... well... a cheapass, do you?
Shoemi: Mom, it's less about being cheap and more about being creative. When I end up showing her a good time using as little money as possible, that just goes to show how practical and economic I can really be while still being entertaining, right?
Tomoki: You're totally right, dear. I'm so sorry for jumping to conclusions. I guess I'm too used to being spoiled by your father. Shame on me, right? ^_^
Shoemi: It's cool, mom. I got this.
With that, mom gave me her usual package of a soft hug and a peck on the cheek, wished me good luck, and asked what I wanted for breakfast. Now that I've assured her... GODDAMN WHAT THE **** AM I GOING TO DO WITH ONLY $20
...Okay, calm down, Shoe--You probably let your confidence rise too high there. And damned if I'm going to go back and ask for more money--I still have my pride to think of. Man, if only my pride reached a stable equilibrium with my intelligence.
After what seemed like the longest breakfast ever with my dad giving me cold stares from across the table, Shou washed his dishes and stated...
Shouyu: Freshen up, lil' brother--We out!
Shoemi: ...Wh--...Already?
Shouyu: HESITATION. WHAT DID I SAY.
With those words echoing through my head, I beelined for upstairs, washed up got my $20 and was ready. Or at least pretended--...no **** it I AM READY. Let's do this.
Shou swung on a sweater, then me into his car. We were gone before mom could finish waving goodbye. But... where the hell were we going? I asked if wherever our destination was was teeming with chicas (it didn't occur to me yet to be curious on what the destination actually was) but Shou had his priorities set.
Shouyu: Not preparing for your mating ritual? Naw son--We gotta pimp you up first. Gotta procure you some threads, find the right cologne, and--most importantly--gotta get those condoms.
By the last word heard, I knew exactly where we were going. Only Shou knew where I buy my favorite brand. A moment of the-drawing-of-the-car-ride-negligence later, we were already there...
Barong Barong. Bastaku's resident clothing store, which specializes in also selling everything else. If there was a place where Shou could find everything he needed to help pimp me up, this was the place. It could practically be its own mall if it weren't lacking any kiosks.
Shouyu: Yo, I'm gonna look up some clothes and musk for you. You go off and snatch some rubber for yourself.
Shoemi: What, I can't help you pick out stuff that's ultimately going to be for me?
Shouyu: You remember the last time you tried picking out clothes? And cologne?
Shoemi: ...
...I didn't want to remember. Goddamn him for bringing those memories back. First of all, nobody **** warned me about the latent lady-repelling powers of polyester, and second of all, **** whoever mislabeled that one can of mace--how the hell was I supposed to know?! NOT MY FAULT.
Shoemi: ...No, I don't.
Shouyu: Well, I do. Run along now.
I just shut up and went straight for getting ribbed for her pleasure. I gathered my fill and headed straight for a certain cashier. A cashier who doesn't judge me for the products I buy. She's a foreigner from a strange land she's still reluctant to tell me about, but I didn't care because her culture apparently prevents her from judging me as some kind of loser. Well, according to her. How could I refute that? She's a foreigner.
Shoemi: Hey.
Purson: Whoa there, cowboy! Haven't seen you in a while!
Purson... always kind of freaked me out. But she always seemed to be pretty okay going through all the stuff I've bought here from the adult section, unlike other people. Like I said, it's her culture to view other people (she calls them "mortals") as impartially as possible. It probably had nothing to do with her... interests. Say, dressing up like some demon girl, complete with fake horns, a mechanical tail, black-sclerae-slitted-pupils contact lenses, body paint, plastic pointed ears, prosthetic fangs... She was like a furry, except more tolerable. I swear, she looked like the real deal. A real **** demon. She always liked sarcastically dropping hints that she was a real demon princess, bored of her underworld duties and decided to strike out in our own dimension, but c'mon... That's seriously fanfiction ****, which I'm pretty sure she enjoyed writing in her spare time. Anyway, her interests are her own thing, and I prefer to not ask any questions because despite all that, she was pretty cool.
Shoemi: Yup. Today, I'm gonna do it.
Purson: Hello, there... A box of Ares brands? Going for a mate again, are you?
Shoemi: Yup. Today, I'm gonna do it.
Purson: Wow, you're pretty confident for once, are ya? Nervous much?
Shoemi: Yup. Today, I'm gonna do it.
Purson: Nerves of steel as always.
Shoemi: Yup. Today, I'm gonna do it.
Purson: Dude--You broke down. Am I gonna have to slap you again?
****. That was embarrassing. For what it's worth, Purson was pretty hot for a fake demon girl. The fantasies just came rushing back in the first second of entering her aisle; I couldn't stop it. Also, I'm pretty sure I was still too freaked out by her to go through with it.
...Then, I suddenly recalled dad's advice. Should I just go for it?
Shoemi: WANNA GO OUT WITH ME :3
...Wh--
Purson: Whoa.
[NARRATION NOT FOUND: BRAIN CRASH]
Purson: :lol: ...You know, dude... I've always wondered how mortals like you, well, dated. And I've always entertained the notion of going out with one of you people... Just that curious. How you court, mate, do what's considered "fun" here... This seems a bit fast but since this is the first time you've asked, why the hell not?
Holy ****.
Purson: ...But I can't right now. You know why?
Holy ****?
Purson: Because I have some friends from my homeland who're way more curious about this place and have always wanted someone local here to show them around. Maybe you could oblige them?
Holy ****.
Purson: Yes, they're girls, by the way. Don't worry.
Holy ****. Holy ****. Holy ****.
Purson: Three good friends of mine. I have some pictures of them here... Portraits, actually.
She loudly claimed she was going on break, then took me aside. I braced myself.
Purson: Lemme show you the portrait of the artist first...
Shoemi: ...A self-portrait?
Purson: ...No, Shoe--A **** stalker sketched this real quick from memory. I bought it off him for $200. ...YES, a self-portrait. Jesus.
She pulled out what looked like three small scrolls out of what seemed to be black smoke. Like, out of nowhere. It's bad enough she dresses like a demon; she has to be all theatrical about it and include actual black magic, too. Luckily, I was too smart for that and she seemed to know so, considering she immediately insisted it was all fake once I called her out. I guess I made her feel bad. Maybe not that bad since I'm one of the few people she keeps doing these tricks in front of. She gave me the first scroll. I unrolled it.
Shoemi: ...Hey, I know her! Doesn't she work here as your assistant and works at the photo booth?
Purson: Yup. That's Kiri.
Shoemi: Man, she's good. It looks exactly like her!
Purson: ...Well, it's not that impressive... It's not like we look all that detailed anyway...
Shoemi: What?
Purson: Nothing. So she's always wanted to have someone show her around. Like, even as a date. She won't mind. She's always been fantasizing about being in love with someone from the mortal realm, anyway.
Shoemi: "Mortal realm"?
Purson: UH I mean... *ahem* ...Bastaku. This city.
Shoemi: Oh, cool!
Purson: Yeah, you know her already: Really nice, very artistic and a master image manipulator. She's a farmer back at home and helps out her parents with their livestock and dairy company.
Shoemi: Huh. Didn't know she was a farmer.
Purson: She started as a farming elf but then fell off a cliff to her death, only to be revived as a cow-girl slave for my dad for 300 years until me and my mom decided to let her go since her mind couldn't be broken as my dad wanted, and she reunited with her still-farming parents since elves where I lived go for thousands of years.
Shoemi: ...
Purson: ...Which is her backstory in my latest fanfic. :shifty:
Shoemi: OH. Of course.
Purson: Heh. But the part of her farming is true... And the fact her grip on her sanity is **** unfathomable. Why do you think she works in customer service here?
Shoemi: Good call. Oh, and you forgot the fact she dresses like a cow. Like how you dress up.
Purson: ...Birds of a feather, right?
Shoemi: Funnily enough.
Purson: ...Also, even though she's nice... She can be a bit... TOO nice. All that niceness doesn't leave much room for wit. She's also gullible as **** and tends to apologize a ****-ton. But you probably don't care since I know you've noticed that she's pretty stacked.
Shoemi: You had me at stacked.
Purson: I know. Anyway, next candidate...
The first portrait disappeared from my hands in a puff of black smoke. C'mon--you don't have to do this magic **** every time. Anyway, I unrolled the next portrait.
Shoemi: Whoa. Is... she topless?
Purson: Eh, don't worry--She's usually not anatomically correct.
Shoemi: um
Purson: ...I'm kidding--She's totally topless. Sure. She'll wear clothes if you take her out, though. She knows the rules here.
Damn.
Purson: Anyway, this is Lime. She's bright, cheery, and super smart. Hell, I go to her whenever I have to deal with financing ****. We don't have your fancy calculators.
Shoemi: ...Wait--You don't have calculators?
Purson: We're... um... Look, different cultures, alright?! So, yeah, she's a load of sunshine with a sarcastic streak, no doubt got rubbed off on her from her best friend, who we'll get to later.
Shoemi: ...What the **** is going on with her skin? Not only is she all gray but it looks like she's drawn all... slimy.
Purson: :sweatdrop:
Shoemi: ...
Purson: ...It's a... skin condition. A rare skin condition. Pla... smi... derm... y. Yeah, plasmidermy. Very rare.
Shoemi: um
Purson: ...D-don't worry... It's NOT contagious and it's really harmless. It just makes her body... do weird ****, but I assure you she's cool. Seriously, man. If you ask her about it, I'm sure she can make up som--I mean give you more details. Yeah.
Man. Poor girl. Never heard of such a condition before, but if it's harmless, I suppose... Before I could mull it over some more, the last portrait already appeared in my hand.
Shoemi: ...Hey, she looks pretty normal. And she's brown! Exotic!
Purson: *AHEM* ...Well, if you look past her... interests.
Shoemi: Busty? Even better!
Purson: No, damn it--Sirena's a mermaid.
Shoemi: Excuse me?
Purson: I said she dresses up as a mermaid.
Shoemi: Oh. Great.
Man... Is her homeland made up of furries-but-not? Christ almighty. Still not too weird for me, except this one actually may pose a problem...
Shoemi: ...She...mermaids it up 24/7?
Purson: Yeah.
Shoemi: ...Okay... Uh... Will I have to date her at the beach or something?
Purson: No, she can walk. Um, hop.
Shoemi: what
Purson: Look, man--We have our things that are weird to you guys. I thought you were used to it by now.
Shoemi: Ok ok ok, but... C'mon, even to a point of becoming technically handicapped?
Purson: Yo, she'd **** kill your ass if she heard you say she was crippled. She's **** hardcore.
Shoemi: Oh?
Purson: Yup. She took being a mermaid... im...personator as a challenge for living the land life and buffed her human half to a point she could carry this entire goddamn store. A good match for her no-bull**** personality. If you take her, just... don't get on her bad side. Despite that, she's pretty chill once you get to know her. She's really chill and pretty nice--hell, can be as nice as her bestie, Lime.
Shoemi: ...The mermaid half is always on, right?
Purson: Right. Never off.
Shoemi: ...So how... um... insert part A into slot B?
Purson: ...
Shoemi: ...
Purson: ...Let me just tell you that she has... entertained her fair share of boys. I'll... just let you find out how.
Shoemi: ................................................................
I just passed the portrait back and decided to rescind further curiosity. For now. After she magicked the scrolls away (weirdo) she then looked me straight in the eye and asked the big question. Ordinarily, I'd probably be scared out of my effing mind dating these freaks, but dad did say if such a situation presented itself, go through with it. Maybe he's right--something good may come from it. Nobody knows. I just kept telling myself they still had tits and it helped me ease into it.
whoa man--standards aren't that low just yet
________________________________________________________________________
[QUOTE="Jere, post: 1588470, member: 35148"]let's go with the 20$ forcing some creativity here![/QUOTE]
Just as the words escaped my mouth, mom's usual bright expression turned a little bit darker.
Tomoki: Oh, dear. Um... Shoe. Sweetie. I mean, you're potentially going to take out a nice girl and you do want to make a good first impression, right? You... you sure you want her to possibly think you're... well... a cheapass, do you?
Shoemi: Mom, it's less about being cheap and more about being creative. When I end up showing her a good time using as little money as possible, that just goes to show how practical and economic I can really be while still being entertaining, right?
Tomoki: You're totally right, dear. I'm so sorry for jumping to conclusions. I guess I'm too used to being spoiled by your father. Shame on me, right? ^_^
Shoemi: It's cool, mom. I got this.
With that, mom gave me her usual package of a soft hug and a peck on the cheek, wished me good luck, and asked what I wanted for breakfast. Now that I've assured her... GODDAMN WHAT THE **** AM I GOING TO DO WITH ONLY $20
...Okay, calm down, Shoe--You probably let your confidence rise too high there. And damned if I'm going to go back and ask for more money--I still have my pride to think of. Man, if only my pride reached a stable equilibrium with my intelligence.
After what seemed like the longest breakfast ever with my dad giving me cold stares from across the table, Shou washed his dishes and stated...
Shouyu: Freshen up, lil' brother--We out!
Shoemi: ...Wh--...Already?
Shouyu: HESITATION. WHAT DID I SAY.
With those words echoing through my head, I beelined for upstairs, washed up got my $20 and was ready. Or at least pretended--...no **** it I AM READY. Let's do this.
Shou swung on a sweater, then me into his car. We were gone before mom could finish waving goodbye. But... where the hell were we going? I asked if wherever our destination was was teeming with chicas (it didn't occur to me yet to be curious on what the destination actually was) but Shou had his priorities set.
Shouyu: Not preparing for your mating ritual? Naw son--We gotta pimp you up first. Gotta procure you some threads, find the right cologne, and--most importantly--gotta get those condoms.
By the last word heard, I knew exactly where we were going. Only Shou knew where I buy my favorite brand. A moment of the-drawing-of-the-car-ride-negligence later, we were already there...
Barong Barong. Bastaku's resident clothing store, which specializes in also selling everything else. If there was a place where Shou could find everything he needed to help pimp me up, this was the place. It could practically be its own mall if it weren't lacking any kiosks.
Shouyu: Yo, I'm gonna look up some clothes and musk for you. You go off and snatch some rubber for yourself.
Shoemi: What, I can't help you pick out stuff that's ultimately going to be for me?
Shouyu: You remember the last time you tried picking out clothes? And cologne?
Shoemi: ...
...I didn't want to remember. Goddamn him for bringing those memories back. First of all, nobody **** warned me about the latent lady-repelling powers of polyester, and second of all, **** whoever mislabeled that one can of mace--how the hell was I supposed to know?! NOT MY FAULT.
Shoemi: ...No, I don't.
Shouyu: Well, I do. Run along now.
I just shut up and went straight for getting ribbed for her pleasure. I gathered my fill and headed straight for a certain cashier. A cashier who doesn't judge me for the products I buy. She's a foreigner from a strange land she's still reluctant to tell me about, but I didn't care because her culture apparently prevents her from judging me as some kind of loser. Well, according to her. How could I refute that? She's a foreigner.
Shoemi: Hey.
Purson: Whoa there, cowboy! Haven't seen you in a while!
Purson... always kind of freaked me out. But she always seemed to be pretty okay going through all the stuff I've bought here from the adult section, unlike other people. Like I said, it's her culture to view other people (she calls them "mortals") as impartially as possible. It probably had nothing to do with her... interests. Say, dressing up like some demon girl, complete with fake horns, a mechanical tail, black-sclerae-slitted-pupils contact lenses, body paint, plastic pointed ears, prosthetic fangs... She was like a furry, except more tolerable. I swear, she looked like the real deal. A real **** demon. She always liked sarcastically dropping hints that she was a real demon princess, bored of her underworld duties and decided to strike out in our own dimension, but c'mon... That's seriously fanfiction ****, which I'm pretty sure she enjoyed writing in her spare time. Anyway, her interests are her own thing, and I prefer to not ask any questions because despite all that, she was pretty cool.
Shoemi: Yup. Today, I'm gonna do it.
Purson: Hello, there... A box of Ares brands? Going for a mate again, are you?
Shoemi: Yup. Today, I'm gonna do it.
Purson: Wow, you're pretty confident for once, are ya? Nervous much?
Shoemi: Yup. Today, I'm gonna do it.
Purson: Nerves of steel as always.
Shoemi: Yup. Today, I'm gonna do it.
Purson: Dude--You broke down. Am I gonna have to slap you again?
****. That was embarrassing. For what it's worth, Purson was pretty hot for a fake demon girl. The fantasies just came rushing back in the first second of entering her aisle; I couldn't stop it. Also, I'm pretty sure I was still too freaked out by her to go through with it.
...Then, I suddenly recalled dad's advice. Should I just go for it?
Shoemi: WANNA GO OUT WITH ME :3
...Wh--
Purson: Whoa.
[NARRATION NOT FOUND: BRAIN CRASH]
Purson: :lol: ...You know, dude... I've always wondered how mortals like you, well, dated. And I've always entertained the notion of going out with one of you people... Just that curious. How you court, mate, do what's considered "fun" here... This seems a bit fast but since this is the first time you've asked, why the hell not?
Holy ****.
Purson: ...But I can't right now. You know why?
Holy ****?
Purson: Because I have some friends from my homeland who're way more curious about this place and have always wanted someone local here to show them around. Maybe you could oblige them?
Holy ****.
Purson: Yes, they're girls, by the way. Don't worry.
Holy ****. Holy ****. Holy ****.
Purson: Three good friends of mine. I have some pictures of them here... Portraits, actually.
She loudly claimed she was going on break, then took me aside. I braced myself.
Purson: Lemme show you the portrait of the artist first...
Shoemi: ...A self-portrait?
Purson: ...No, Shoe--A **** stalker sketched this real quick from memory. I bought it off him for $200. ...YES, a self-portrait. Jesus.
She pulled out what looked like three small scrolls out of what seemed to be black smoke. Like, out of nowhere. It's bad enough she dresses like a demon; she has to be all theatrical about it and include actual black magic, too. Luckily, I was too smart for that and she seemed to know so, considering she immediately insisted it was all fake once I called her out. I guess I made her feel bad.
Maybe not that bad since I'm one of the few people she keeps doing these tricks in front of. She gave me the first scroll. I unrolled it.Shoemi: ...Hey, I know her! Doesn't she work here as your assistant and works at the photo booth?
Purson: Yup. That's Kiri.
Shoemi: Man, she's good. It looks exactly like her!
Purson: ...Well, it's not that impressive... It's not like we look all that detailed anyway...
Shoemi: What?
Purson: Nothing. So she's always wanted to have someone show her around. Like, even as a date. She won't mind. She's always been fantasizing about being in love with someone from the mortal realm, anyway.
Shoemi: "Mortal realm"?
Purson: UH I mean... *ahem* ...Bastaku. This city.
Shoemi: Oh, cool!
Purson: Yeah, you know her already: Really nice, very artistic and a master image manipulator. She's a farmer back at home and helps out her parents with their livestock and dairy company.
Shoemi: Huh. Didn't know she was a farmer.
Purson: She started as a farming elf but then fell off a cliff to her death, only to be revived as a cow-girl slave for my dad for 300 years until me and my mom decided to let her go since her mind couldn't be broken as my dad wanted, and she reunited with her still-farming parents since elves where I lived go for thousands of years.
Shoemi: ...
Purson: ...Which is her backstory in my latest fanfic. :shifty:
Shoemi: OH. Of course.
Purson: Heh. But the part of her farming is true... And the fact her grip on her sanity is **** unfathomable. Why do you think she works in customer service here?
Shoemi: Good call. Oh, and you forgot the fact she dresses like a cow. Like how you dress up.
Purson: ...Birds of a feather, right?
Shoemi: Funnily enough.
Purson: ...Also, even though she's nice... She can be a bit... TOO nice. All that niceness doesn't leave much room for wit. She's also gullible as **** and tends to apologize a ****-ton. But you probably don't care since I know you've noticed that she's pretty stacked.
Shoemi: You had me at stacked.
Purson: I know. Anyway, next candidate...
The first portrait disappeared from my hands in a puff of black smoke. C'mon--you don't have to do this magic **** every time. Anyway, I unrolled the next portrait.
Shoemi: Whoa. Is... she topless?
Purson: Eh, don't worry--She's usually not anatomically correct.
Shoemi: um
Purson: ...I'm kidding--She's totally topless. Sure. She'll wear clothes if you take her out, though. She knows the rules here.
Damn.
Purson: Anyway, this is Lime. She's bright, cheery, and super smart. Hell, I go to her whenever I have to deal with financing ****. We don't have your fancy calculators.
Shoemi: ...Wait--You don't have calculators?
Purson: We're... um... Look, different cultures, alright?! So, yeah, she's a load of sunshine with a sarcastic streak, no doubt got rubbed off on her from her best friend, who we'll get to later.
Shoemi: ...What the **** is going on with her skin? Not only is she all gray but it looks like she's drawn all... slimy.
Purson: :sweatdrop:
Shoemi: ...
Purson: ...It's a... skin condition. A rare skin condition. Pla... smi... derm... y. Yeah, plasmidermy. Very rare.
Shoemi: um
Purson: ...D-don't worry... It's NOT contagious and it's really harmless. It just makes her body... do weird ****, but I assure you she's cool. Seriously, man. If you ask her about it, I'm sure she can make up som--I mean give you more details. Yeah.
Man. Poor girl. Never heard of such a condition before, but if it's harmless, I suppose... Before I could mull it over some more, the last portrait already appeared in my hand.
Shoemi: ...Hey, she looks pretty normal. And she's brown! Exotic!
Purson: *AHEM* ...Well, if you look past her... interests.
Shoemi: Busty? Even better!
Purson: No, damn it--Sirena's a mermaid.
Shoemi: Excuse me?
Purson: I said she dresses up as a mermaid.
Shoemi: Oh. Great.
Man... Is her homeland made up of furries-but-not? Christ almighty. Still not too weird for me, except this one actually may pose a problem...
Shoemi: ...She...mermaids it up 24/7?
Purson: Yeah.
Shoemi: ...Okay... Uh... Will I have to date her at the beach or something?
Purson: No, she can walk. Um, hop.
Shoemi: what
Purson: Look, man--We have our things that are weird to you guys. I thought you were used to it by now.
Shoemi: Ok ok ok, but... C'mon, even to a point of becoming technically handicapped?
Purson: Yo, she'd **** kill your ass if she heard you say she was crippled. She's **** hardcore.
Shoemi: Oh?
Purson: Yup. She took being a mermaid... im...personator as a challenge for living the land life and buffed her human half to a point she could carry this entire goddamn store. A good match for her no-bull**** personality. If you take her, just... don't get on her bad side. Despite that, she's pretty chill once you get to know her. She's really chill and pretty nice--hell, can be as nice as her bestie, Lime.
Shoemi: ...The mermaid half is always on, right?
Purson: Right. Never off.
Shoemi: ...So how... um... insert part A into slot B?
Purson: ...
Shoemi: ...
Purson: ...Let me just tell you that she has... entertained her fair share of boys. I'll... just let you find out how.
Shoemi: ................................................................
I just passed the portrait back and decided to rescind further curiosity. For now. After she magicked the scrolls away (weirdo) she then looked me straight in the eye and asked the big question. Ordinarily, I'd probably be scared out of my effing mind dating these freaks, but dad did say if such a situation presented itself, go through with it. Maybe he's right--something good may come from it. Nobody knows. I just kept telling myself they still had tits and it helped me ease into it.
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Apiary Tazy
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