omg cheep n00by battel lol

[t3hDarkness]

I just want you all to know how much pain I wish upon you all.

[Mushi]

No following the rules.
Hmm...


Delrith looked upon the frenzy of unskilled panzies.

"..."

Delrith unsheathed his blade, and slowly stomped towards SMG.

"..."

"Omg liek hoo teh hel is taht!!!///1//???/"

*Smash* Rather than grant this unworthy opponent a quick and painless death, Delrith decided to stomp the life out of him.

"OW! Yuo R liek kiling mee!!111" SMG died.

[Bomby]

This isn't anywhere near as funny as I hoped it would be. Fiddlesticks.

[Wyborn]

There was a thunderclap, a hideous roar that rent the skies - those warriors that were there looked skyward, their mouths hanging slack as what might have been Hell itself descended from the sky.

Lightning danced across the blueness as Wyborn dropped, his mouth twisted into a hideous grin and his red robes flapping lightly in the air. In his right hand he held a short sword, and in his left he held a ball of light that threatened to blind anyone who looked directly at it. When he hit the ground it was with a thud, and then he was upon them with all the fury of the pit.

His sword cut the air between him and Yuki, singing and whistling as it clove its way to her flesh. She stepped to the side, sword raised to cleave off his hand, but his left hand came around and shoved the ball of light into her stomach. She had a moment to stare at his grinning face, illuminated by the light in his hand, and though she had never seen him before she knew she was dealing with a real demon.

The orb of light exploded, all of its force directed past Yuki's body with a sound louder than the thunder that had heralded Wyborn's arrival, sending out shockwaves that bowled over warriors over a hundred meters away. The immediate effect on Yuki was simple: she was blown in half at the stomach, her lower torso hitting the ground and flipping once before stopping, a heap of shattered bone and ligaments. Her upper torso landed just beyond it, bouncing and rolling for some distance, her neck snapping and her arms shattering before she came to a stop, entrails laying out beneath her and blood running freely from her mouth as her eyes stared vacantly into nothing.

Delrith didn't have time for it to register before Wyborn's sword plunged into his stomach and gnarled fingers plunged into his eyes, popping them out and snapping the cords behind them. Delrith screamed, wrapping his hands around Wyborn's wrist and trying to force him away, while Wyborn wiped Delrith's own eyes off on his shirt like giant, grotesque boogers. Pulling out his sword, Wyborn hauled off and kicked Delrith as hard as he could in the crunch, breaking his pelvis and making his testicles burst like grapes under a sledgehammer. Delrith's howl subsided as Wyborn's sword clove through his neck, and when his head hit the ground Wyborn stomped on it.

Lord Kenny moved to rip Wyborn's arms from his sockets, eyes blazing with bloodlust - before Wyborn grabbed Delrith's corpse by the ankle and swung it like a massive shotput, clubbing him in the chest and breaking all of his ribs, reducing a fair number of his organs to jelly. Kenny wheeled before hitting the ground on his stomach, and he was still going to rise, rise and fight, when Wyborn's boot came down on the back of his neck and severed his spine with a satisfying crack.

VGA and Irby were still fighting, more or less oblivious to the carnage that surrounded them - but not entirely. At least, they were not anymore.

Irby screamed out of shocked as the tip of Wyborn's sword emerged from VGA's mouth, blood spurting around it as Wyborn withdrew and left VGA to tumble to the ground as a lifeless heap. Not for the first time, and probably not for the last.

Irby moved to strike, to killz0r, if you will, but stopped when he saw Wyborn's grin.

"Oh no," Wyborn said to him, and he was growling when he said it, belying his smile, "it's not going to be that easy. Not for you. Here's something I learned back in the original iteration of this topic, a little joke from a friend of mine who was, despite his name, not much of a joker."

From seemingly nowhere Wyborn brought out a pie-tin full of a writing red mass, which Irby could not identify - and then slammed it into his opponent's face. For a moment Irby still wondered what it was, and then his face became a living flame of agony, a carpet of pain the likes of which he had never felt in his life. He screamed, throwing the tin off, but then the mass moved into his mouth and his throat and he could feel the biting, the stinging, as his face began to swell and his throat began to lock up and he ceased to be able to breathe properly.

He had just been hit with a pie tin full of fire ants.

Their stinger sank into his eyes, found their way to his ears and pierced the drums within, and his choked gurgling trailed off into something truly pathetic as he writhed, still managing to stand in spite of everything.

Then Wyborn hit him in the face with another pie - this one made of partially set cement.

The ants on Irby's face were crushed beneath the quick-drying stuff, which was now firmly in place, but they still swarmed in his mouth and his nostrils and his ears, biting and tearing as he was completely cut off from the world.

"Not that easy," Wyborn said, "not by a long shot."

Stepping behind Irby and wrestling his arms behind him, Wyborn placed the forearms over each other before driving a long dagger through them, pinning them through the flesh itself.

Dragging the twitching body behind him - Irby was still alive but not capable of much more than twitching - Wyborn came upon a tree. What happened next would be familiar to those old enough: if they, like Wyborn, had been unlucky enough, they had experienced it themselves.

What transpired, simply, was this: Wyborn ripped out Irby's intestines, wrapped them around his neck as a noose, and hung him with them from a branch of the tree. Irby died there.

Wyborn turned, and said to the corpses, "I know you will rise up again, but I will not be here: if you wish to really fight me and not partake in this foolishness any longer, throw out a challenge, and we will test your real mettle."

With that he was gone, and he did not return.

[Alex]

And that is why I left this monstrocity. You think I wouldn't know Wyborn would come in here and show us all up?

Plus, posting that way will ruin me, eventually.

[Demonicus Prime]

This hurts to read.....

Except Wyborn's. His is quite legible.

[Apiary Tazy]

And so....we give a final farewell to Ninfa-
*Irby kills Ninfan*
Nevermind
*Lord Kenny Kills everyone and Explodes lol*
*Lord Kenny Kills everyone and Explodes lol*
*Lord Kenny Kills everyone and Explodes lol*
*Lord Kenny Kills everyone and Explodes lol*
*Lord Kenny Kills everyone and Explodes lol*
*Lord Kenny Kills everyone and Explodes lol*
*Lord Kenny Kills everyone and Explodes lol*
*Lord Kenny Kills everyone and Explodes lol*
OoC: Rinse, Wash Repeat

[UltimateGamer178]

I do this to Irby and Wyborn: Madness Combat 5- Madness Depredation - Stick Page Player
(I'm OMFG Clown)

[t3hDarkness]

Ugh, aren't you guys done yet. Malik, shame on ye.

[Wyborn]

Wow, you people really don't have any idea about the spirit of the topic. Allow me to edify you, because at this point? I'm literally ashamed to even be here.

Look, the Cheap Nooby Battle was originally started by Joker five or six years ago for the express purpose of being comedic - much like here. The difference is that we still put effort into writing our posts and making them imaginative and funny. At the least we tried to be interestingly violent (like I tried to be up there). This here? Not what's going on. By reducing your attacks to single-sentence blurbs you've raped the entire point of the topic, which is its comedy, and you cheapen even the newby spirit upon which this was founded.

Is it so hard? I mean, this is a topic where you can let go of your inhibitions and be as ridiculous and violent and extravagant as you want, strutting your stuff in a mind-blowing showcase of madness and hilarity and carnage the likes of which you would not be able to share in any real, serious carnage. What we have here is a mockery of the very idea of the battle, perpetuated by a bunch of cock-sure noobs who don't even realize how bitter the irony is, and who don't care anything about entertainment so much as they do increasing their pointlessly bloated post counts.

Now, I invite you, each of you, to do one of two things.

1. Turn this topic into something spectacular by letting go of your inhibitions and writing out things that are fun to read (remember, newbies still writ clearly, they just do things that break the rules) and write. This is a rule-free battle where you can do anything, and it's a great place to showcase certain talents.

2. Leave the topic to die, and then come challenge me because I'm an old codger who has the balls to tell you what to do. Oh, you'll show me all right, you're muttering to yourself, hand flying towards the "Post New Topic" button. You'll teach me what's up and what's down, and who's got the right to act like the top dog.

Make your choice. If you take the first option, I'm proud of you.

If you take the second? I'm waiting.

Edit: I will say that Malik is a newb and you should all feel free to break his rules, insofar as the "no creativity" and "no half-decent writing" goes. :| After all, one of his rules is that you can't follow the rules.

I know you didn't think it would go this far, Malik, but it has, and this topic needs a shot of adrenaline and a swift kick in the ass.

[Mushi]

*Delrith raises his bloody carcass*

Wait a minute... raises his bloody carcass? Wouldn't that mean that he was dead? I don't know if he was actually dead, was dead but came back, or was simply not dead. Either way he walked over to where Wyborn had seemingly teleported. After his body had finished regenerating itself, he took hold of one of his own ribs(his body had grown new ones) and hurled it. It went sailing through an interdimensional rift that Delrith had found, he assumed it was the one left by Wyborn.

Wyborn was doing some meaningless task(eating, drinking, using the toilet, fighting, SOMETHING) when WHAP he was hit in the back of the head. With what, he didn't know, nor would he find out for it dissapeared before he could identify it. Whatever it was, it was gone.

Delrith turned to see that the masses on the floor were still carcasses.

"Am I the first to be swayed the wise human?"

He saw that one still hadn't learned his lesson. He would have to kill him a second time.

Delrith grabbed the small "warrior" by the head and crushed his puny skull, the brain(or what little brains he had) went flying in all directions. Delrith licked his fingers.

"Delicious."

[Wyborn]

Hooray for Cornholio!

You will never hear that sentence again.

[Bomby]

Actually, Wyborn, you understood my motive in creating this topic entirely. The new kids on the block ran away with it before I could establish anything, though.
---------------------------------------------------

Yuki gave an evil glare with her eyes to all the competitors. All the fighting froze because the people were scared. She then grabbed her own chin and pulled back, revealing that she was not Yuki! In fact, she was not a woman at all... it was... it was...


WONG FEI HUNG!!!

Master Wong grabbed Irby by the neck and threw him against the wall. He took his umbrella and poked him in the eye with it. "HEAAAAH!!!" he yelled, as he did three backflips in the air, extending his leg in the middle of the last backflip and kicking Wyborn in the neck. Curling his fingers into a tiger claw, he quickly smacked Wy 8 times, 4 times in the chest, 4 times in the face, giving Wyborn 3 black eyes.

Over his shoulder, Wong Sifu saw an OMFG clown running toward him to attack him with a busted chair. Wong jumped up in the air and yelled out his attack:

"NO SHADOW KICK"

Flying sideways at the Clown, he quickly kicked his opponent seven times in the chest midair before landing with one foot on the Clown's chest and the other planted firmly on the ground. He then moved his foot up to the neck of the clown, and with a quick stomp, snapped the neck in half.

At that time, Irby and Wyborn, who had recently recovered, ran running toward Fei Hung swinging their arms in a fist of fury. Right before they were both about to hit Master Wong, he quickly jumped backwards and grabbed both of the insane men by their necks, bashing their heads together so hard that their heads were crushed into tiny pieces. All the pieces of the skull shattered on to the floor, with blood and bits of human brain flying everywhere in sight.

He then pulled the tounge out of Irby's body and approached Tazy 10, who was furiously looking at Fei Hung. Tazy 10 charged forward, but Master Wong was able to use the tounge as a whip and wrap it around Tazy's neck. He tightened the grip of the tounge until Tazy suffocated to death.

Bwa ha ha ha ha...

[Mushi]

"Aww, I feel left out."

Delrith unsheathed his massive sword, The Element's Bain, and used it to give Wong a haircut. He then shoved the hair-rope down Wong's throat. Wong couldn't even gasp past his own hair, he slowly choked and sputtered until finally his eyes became blood-shot and he curled over on the ground.

"I hope that tasted good." Delrith then gave Wong's body a swift kick, sending him over the horizon. he was now faced with bloody pools on the floor and splattered brains.

"Maybe I can start my own fastfood chain."

[Bomby]

(I was in the process of writing while you posted. Because of that, I did not know you were going to be posting.)

[t3hDarkness]

(OOc: The thread has been saved. Now let the games begin)
Whoa, two posts before I could finish. All but Delrith and Wong Fei are dead right?
Edited

A broad entertainment transport ship flew overhead, trailing thousands of tiny sparkles. As the last of the cameras were deployed, the ship swerved and launched three dropspikes from the side.

The dropships hit close to where the fighters were standing, the largest directly brtween them. The two smaller dropspikes' armor coverings split off to reveal a monstrous speaker and a fog machine. A deep booming voice announced, "Ladies and Gentleman, beings of indescriminate or multigenders. For your viewing pleasure I bring you the slaughterfest of the century, Live and Uncensored"

And applauding audience could be heard, rock music started to play and sparks shot from the ground. The healy door cracked at the seams, pouring fog and then went flying off its hinges, knocking Delrith far from the pod.

As the fake smoke cleared, A blonde man wearing a sparkly purple kilt and a giant metal arm looked towards the thousands of cameras and roared a deep primal roar. He pulled the ripcord on his Chainsword and added its high pitched whine to the mix.

He looked around at the piles of gore and at the man his capsule door had struck and he grinned. "Did this all alone did YA!" he screamed before starting to charge wildly.

[Mushi]

The noise greatly angered Delrith. This definately was NOT what he had expected. The large... human... that was charging towards him obviously had a death wish, and Delrith has happy to oblige.

"Not exactly."

The chainsword dove deep into delrith's arm, but stopped before it could severe it.

"What in the hell!?" shouted a surprised Grant, the applause stopped for a moment or two, the crowd was in silent awe. Even the music had stopped.

"Exactly." Delrith grabbed the large...human... by his metal arm. He proceeded to detatch it from the rest of the body, he then used it to pound the large...human... into a bloody pulp, which he then devored.

The crowd started roaring loud as ever, and the music started up even louder then before.

[t3hDarkness]

"FOlks it looks like you get to see the surprise we were saving"

"We have a new Champion, but uh oh, I think he's in trouble"

Suddenly another much larger ship passed overhead, launching hundreds of dropspikes.

One of them almost landed on top of Delrith but exploded apart before hitting the ground. Another Grant Kris was standing in the debris, one that looked much more pale and still both of his flesh arms.

He looked to Delrith with unnatural creepy green colored eyes and stated, "So you're hungry?" He grappled the gore covered being by the jaw and his belt and swiftly snapped the two together, causing Delrith to devour himself. He kept crunching and stuffing, and pushing Delrith into his own mouth until he was nothing more than a greasy stain in Clone Grant's unstable palm. He walked over the retrieve the metal arm and tore off his original.

"That was fun" he said.

[Mushi]

*FWOOSH*

Hell itself couldn't contain Delrith. He was back... and on Fire! LITERALLY. The flames were melting and twisting the pods that had dropped, and some simply exploded.

"Hell isn't what it used to be. I think my friends would agree." These words were followed by a parade of smaller demons, all of which took turns at biting chunks out of Grant's flesh, the screams were soon muffled by death. The metal arm(which could'nt be devored) was cast off to the side. Delrith let out a mighty roar. The crowd was screaming and raving as the music cycled into a song by the Black Mages.

[t3hDarkness]

I blame Bomby's distorted rules for causing all the suck in the first place.

Twenty containers burst open each with gooey imperfect clone of the Original Grant Kris. Immediately, they started fighting each other throwing slimy punches until only one was left.

The last of that group stood in the center of its carnage and absorbed the bioplasm from the fallen clones. He started to grow until he was the size of a house.

The broadcast of the crowd roared.

He swept up the little Delrith and stomped the flaming demons out of existance. The one they followed back however. He was thrown out of the atmosphere, where he was impaled on a passing satelite.