NLBFT 12: The First Round Beckons

Kargath · #101

(i sense anger in this topic's future.)

#102

(shh, if we don't say anything, they won't realise what day it is!)

Inferno Dragon · #103

it's thursday!!! wheee!!!

Kargath · #104

I thought it might be good to drip feed things.

Tazy Vs Inferno
Probably not the best start to my reading experience.
Narrative - General (3.5 Points)
Tazy: 1.0
Inferno: 0.8
Generic and uninteresting fighting, for the most part. Really, there's not much to comment on. Tazy showed some initial spark in a couple of the dialogue lines here (forums/gunjin-battlefield/60451-nlbft-1 ... post948073). This degraded quickly. Defining Nichi as a character more and emphasising the unstable aggressiveness that showed through in those first few lines would have helped Tazy greatly. Tazy's main source of points here was the Grand Maw sequence - it was actually decently interesting for the first two thirds or so.
Inferno's only real points of narrative interest were the spreadfire trap and the brief moment where he paid attention to caring for his aura (Dark Materials?).

Writing - Technique (4 Points)
Tazy: 1.1
Inferno: 0.8
Inferno, stop using script form. It's lazy, it's poor form and it's no good to read.
Both of you need to learn tenses. In most cases, you should be writing in past tense. Both of you mix tenses like you put them in a blender. Inferno could have gotten away with using purely present tense due to the script format choice, but he mixed tenses too.
Tazy's capitalisation amused me. It reminded me of Ye Olde English advertisements, where capitalisation was often used in the middle of sentences for emphasis.
I giggled at your battlefield, Tazy. I had fun imagining sailboats in space around a large Super Mario Galaxy type planet. Needs more description.
Your description was totally lacking. In many places I had to invent details in my head in order to make sense of the scene. Please, make sure that someone coming to the piece with no prior knowledge of your characters can build a clear mental picture. Both of you need to describe the changing state of the combatants far better, too.
Inferno, you must put physical character description in your FIRST post. In addition, that you had to post a picture shows just how deficient your description is. I still am not sure of how exactly that dragon aura looked as it was appearing.
I would have appreciated some more real character description from Tazy too.
Tazy was just that slight bit better overall. Still, you both need a lot of practice.

Narrative - Originality (0.5 Point)
Tazy: 0.1
Inferno: 0
Inferno, please read carefully. Your use of what is essentially a Frankenstein's monster of fancharacters severely detracts from your piece. Furthermore, it negatively affects you, as you rely on the reader knowing about Dragon Ball, and you truncate descriptions whilst just waving in the direction of DBZ as if that's some sort of replacement.
Tazy, I found your character and posts mostly devoid of originality, but you do achieve some points (again? hmm consideration for round two scoring...) for Nichi's dad showing up out of nowhere during the Grand Maw sequence.

Narrative - Gradient And Scaling (1 Point)
Tazy: 0.1
Inferno: 0.1
From the opening posts, there was a certain leeway in terms of one-upmanship, given that one character was a DBZ-type "must get stronger" warrior and the other was ACTUALLY a DBZ fancharacter. You both went far beyond that tolerance point. You both effectively ignored damage to yourselves and turned things around every time in such a fashion that I was waiting for one of you to explicitly have a character declare omnipotency. Your nominal score is based purely on the leeway from the initial setup.

Misc - Fuzz Point (1 Point)
Tazy: 0
Inferno: 0
Neither of you deserve any fuzz score. Not this round, at least.

General comments:
You both lose. It's just that one of you happened to lose a little less.
Unless you both drop out simultaneously, one of you must advance by the rules of the tourney. One of you is going to be granted a second chance. For that lucky one of you two that does push to round two: YOU MUST SPEND TIME WRITING. Judging by your post brevity, (mostly) appalling prose, and turnaround times, you simply aren't putting enough time into your pieces.

Final score:
Tazy: 2.3
Inferno: 1.7

#105

UNEXPECTED CONTESTANT ENTERS THE SCENE

KARGATH!

CHARGING IN ON HIS BLACKENED STEED

A SWIFT SLAP TO THE FACE

MASSIVE BURN

I didn't know you were fighting in this round, Kar. Alas, alas. Let's hope the poor souls left at your mercy will ever care to write again.

My procrastination isn't nearly so bad as my inability to form sane sentences while on headache medication. Oh, they are as coherant as you like, but not necessarily on the right course. In fact, we're deviating off into the wilderness, right as we speak.

I PRONOUNCE MYSELF THE WINNER

MORE IBUPROFEN AND CODEINE FOR ME!

HUZZAH

HUZZAH

HUZZAH

The Willful Wanderer · #106

Sarai Sez:

I dunno, Essdee. All he's saying to Inferno is what I've been telling the guy all along, he's just not saying it as nicely, and is providing a score according.

#107

Most people don't like to get up and try again if they're told they suck at something- hence the reason positive reinforcement works so much better than mindless criticism. "You both lose" isn't really an objective judgement, now is it? All that's saying is, "you made me suffer through reading that! boo!" even though we all volunteered to do this.

Everyone always has room for improvement. You don't need to punch someone in the face to show them what to work on.

The Willful Wanderer · #108

Sarai Sez:

Oh, that's definitely agreed.

#109

TEXT PILE. Lordy.

Before I judge individual battles, there are a handful of mistakes that I want to address. Often, even someone who has fashioned theirself as an author for many years will be unaware that they are making the mistakes of an inexperienced writer.

The dreaded simile. To compare things, usually with the word "like" or "as" to join them; "Her eyes glittered like diamonds." There is a definite time and place to use a simile, but as a writer, you must be careful not to abuse them. Once you have used two similes in a paragraph, you're probably departing from describing the event, action, emotion itself, and have wandered into a "shortcut description".

Repeating words. Alas, there are few things more frustrating than repeating words. "She ran towards the building, while looking towards her opponent." You should avoid reusing the same words within a paragraph, as often as you can help it. The best way to combat this is by reading your work out loud. You'll hear when a word comes up again.

"ly" words (once you realise you're doing this, you'll kick yourself). When trying to spice up your description, people will usually fall to using too many words that end in "ly". Quickly, swiftly, jarringly, angrily, menacingly, beautifully, gracefully. These words should be used as little as possible, and most of the time, you can reword a sentence to convey the same concept and even use the same word. Instead of, "He quickly brought his sword from its sheath," you can substitute, "In seconds, he had unsheathed the sword," or go one step further with, "The speed which he unsheathed the sword left the metal a shining blur." It's a good way to force extra creativity on yourself. When you're aware of doing this, "ly" words will seem a lazy option.

As an aside to that, often when someone uses words that describe speed, it doesn't really convey speed. "Suddenly" doesn't make you feel like things are happening fast. Action shouldn't halt for you to write, "Suddenly, this thing happened!" You'll only drag the pace of reading down.

Unnecessary dialogue. Unnatural speech is common, and forgivable, but still a problem. If your character is alone and you want to express their thoughts, it's probably best if you leave it as written description instead of having the character tell us about it. You want to avoid things like:

"He ran to the tree, knowing of a secretive hollow beneath its roots. He wedged himself deep inside. 'They'll never find me here!' he whispered."

You can use his own perspective to keep the reader inside the story.

"That tree, there's a hollow beneath it! He ran to it and threw himself under the muddy roots, knowing he was safe. No one would find him here."

You don't need to make your character say something, is all the point. You can give him a voice in your description. It holds your reader in the story, instead of ruining the ever-important suspension of disbelief.

I think that's all for now. Other specific mistakes will be addressed personally. Onward to the judging.

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I notice that somewhere along the line a lot of the fighting has leaked out of these battles. I like to think that while good writing can make for an excellent battle, this is still meant to be a battlefield tournament, and as such, needs to focus on the battling. I critique your writing to help you see where to grow, as there's always room for improvement for everybody, but if there's no fighting in your posts, there's nothing for me to judge. Some of you WILL be getting lower scores because of this. If you haven't provided me with enough attack, then I cannot give you a number to associate with your effort. Your opening post is the only time that I do not expect you to hit your opponent; everything following needs some bang-crash. Yes, needs. If you're not going to bring it, you're not participating in the right kind of match.

In short: I critique writing style, but I judge battling.

Alpha Division

Luigi007 vs Erdawn

Luigi007: Erdawn was battling as an aged version of everyone's favourite hero, although I guess when you read "Link" to instantly thought of a younger person. Be wary of skimming your opponent's posts, in case you work off an assumption and find your own reply becomes unusable because of it. Aside from that, when writing description, it can help to read it out loud to make sure it has a nice, smooth flow to it. Good job on including a touch of back-story to help the reader sympathise with your character, and throwing yourself straight into battle.

5.7 out of 10

Erdawn: Taking an established character and making them your own can be a difficult feat, but yours sat nicely (and I really enjoy the idea of Link fighting when he's getting a little long in the tooth). It seems like I'm going to tell you all the things you already know, but nevertheless, utilising your opponent's attack against him was a nice show of acknowledging it and moving onwards into the battle at the same time. You definitely write some mighty attacks, good job.

7.3 out of 10

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Phenom vs KirbyBoy2000

Phenom: Oh Phen, there's such a thing as too verbose. It can really drag the reader out of your writing; keeping your sentences a little shorter and precise will help hold the reader with you, instead of drowning them beneath an avalanche of extra description. I really enjoyed your second post, however, and you're showing some true battlefield experience with a good give and take exchange. Not only do you write an excellent blow-for-blow, you keep the intermediate "bulk" interesting with observations of your surrounding.

7.1 out of 10

KirbyBoy: You really threw us into the story, but with no explanation to start off, it was hard to build any attachment to your character. Also keep in mind what I said earlier, about out of place dialogue. Your character told us he was hiding from someone, but speaking it felt unnatural and seems too clinical; emotion and especially suspense could've made the scene. Instead of saying he's worried, you can make him nearly fall over himself in fright at a rat scampering past. This also sets you up to confront your opponent, as the adrenalin is pumping and he's prepared to take a swing at a looming giant rather than curl up and hide.

5.7 out of 10

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Selene vs TheDarkness

Selene: You brought some interesting backstory for this battle, and your character has a lot of potential. I was disappointed that your second post was devoid of battling; you left it entirely up to TheDarkness to really build the fight, and that will only ever leave you in the situation of "too little, too late". You need to step up at the first opportunity to kick some ass, especially when you're painting such a diverse warrior for yourself. Aside from that, the writing could be geared towards the reader a little more. Keep ideas in the present so there's a solid connection and good flow.

6.5 out of 10

Darkness: It's unfortunate you didn't get to make a second post, as you had set up a very interesting side-story to go with your battling. I was genuinely excited to see where you were going to take it. I don't feel there's a lot more I can say, beside pointing out that the phrase "found himself" is best avoided. No one ever really just finds themselves doing something- within the rush of the moment, the cheering and panting of the crowd, his ego would swell with the force of applause (just for him!, sweeping him into action. That's when he leaps into the pit to revel in the attention...

5.5 out of 10

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Inferno vs Tazy

Now, there's always a problem when two people use the same battling type; you're bound to end up pretty equal in strength and abilities. You both went the way of DBZ-styled fighting, which means you can both teleport, both fire off ki blasts and both raise your energy level to match each other. Oh, and the punching. Lots of punching.

Inferno: Of course, I'm incredibly familiar with Inferno (as a character) and what he's capable of. All the same, I feel you need to work on acknowledging the other person's attack. If you've just been hit with a ki blast, Inferno should feel some pain or perhaps have a momentary weakness from it; it's the polite thing to do in a battle. Particularly between yourself and Tazy, neither of you acknowledged damage taken, so there was nothing to build on. You hit him, he hit you back. It could've gone on endlessly without any change, really.

5.1 out of 10

Tazy: The same as Inferno, you need to take time to write your character's damage received before you rush back into battle. Your aura's wings were torn off, and while you can overcome it and even deftly use it to your own advantage (which you did well), perhaps for a moment your character could've been dizzy, nauseated, something to acknowledge that you were hit. This way, the battle moves forward, instead of possibly stagnating from you both brushing off an attack, raising your power level and firing off another blast. You don't want the fight to run in circles.

5.0 out of 10

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Beta Division

Galefore vs Lycrios

Galefore: Ah Gale, we definitely need to address your use of similes. As I said at the beginning of my post, there's a time and a place for them, but you can overuse them. I am more than willing to tell you that you have a lot of really interesting and unique similes (much better than the normal ones), but once you've used two or three, they start to lose their strength, and charm. They can bring a great effect when you use them sparingly.

6.2 out of 10

Lyrcios: There is a bit of confusion between "it's" and "its". Keep in mind that an apostrophe joins two words together. "It's" means "it is". "Its" denotes ownership; its face, its hand, etc. I liked the mood you were setting at the beginning, there was a lot of atmosphere. Be careful that you don't have too many written contradictions; things like "windowless windows" can be described as "bare, empty windowpanes, devoid of glass". It's conveying the same idea with more clarity. The next point I want to touch on is the way your wrote the wind to begin with. There was a wind without sound, and the fog didn't move with it. How did your character know there was wind? Did he smell it, the warm scent of some far-off place, or the stench of something dragged along with the wind? Did he feel it, rushing against his skin, a chill breeze that brought a feeling of danger? When you write sensory experiences for your character, you give the reader more chance to connect with him.

5.4 out of 10

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X-3 vs Mushi

X-3: The first thing I see is... a bear. Is it big? Medium? A smallish bear? Does his fur lay sleek and smooth against his agile form, or is he slightly pudgy around the middle, with hair bristling all around? Is there a vicious crack from the electricity that builds within his mouth? The sound of a whip, before jagged sparks fly towards the closest conductor (often enough, your opponent). Remember to paint us a picture of your character, and the surroundings as much as you can. You set a good mood with the soldier-feast, but then it seemed to trail off a bit. Also, electricity is absorbed into the earth; it would dissipate rather than travel across to hit someone.

5.0 out of 10

Mushi: I truly found myself enjoying the beginning, but I'm afraid your character didn't keep his depth. I understand what vibe you were trying for, but I felt like all he did was stand around and giggle (without even sharing the joke

). I liked the laser attack, and it would've been great to see more of the same; random attachments on your character's body that he whips out just in time to beat the bear around the head some. Remember to acknowledge the injuries your character takes, even if it's just to give him a limp.

6.3 out of 10

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Wyborn vs Acradius

Wyborn: Your opening was so emotive and captivating; definite props for appropriate repetition delivery (we all know it can be used to fantastic effect

). I'm going to waggle a finger at you for interrupting my reading by having replaced the dislocated jaw and then immediately using it to bite through a cigar. While I appreciate that battlers are pretty much invincible, and love the fact you acknowledge damage taken by your character, that part gave me pause. Ever the showman, m'dear, but you could've included a little more killin' and beatin', too.

7.8 out of 10

Acradius: Your opening post was fabulous. It was quite possibly my favourite post from the entire round. You bring detail of your surroundings and your character, emotion and just enough information that the reader has a very clear image of where we are and what's going down. I'm afraid I will need to make a note that using the word "cacophony" was out of place, as it defines a sound, very specifically. I'm sure it would be a little too much to ask for you to research the effects of heroin use just for a battle, although it would've really been the final touch to have a little more of "inside the high".

7.7 out of 10

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Vapor vs Bartman

Vapor: Of course, you only got one post in, but I really want to tell you that linking to the BoW might be helpful to your opponent, it only distances your reader from the particular story at hand. I don't click links to become acquainted with your character. Re-introducing the same character over and over again can get tedious, however, it's good form to give something we can attach ourselves to. It was a sparse post, but could've been filled out with some sensory description. It's icy; does your character feel the cold? Does he find his footing is compromised because of the frost?

5.1 out of 10

Bartman: No post.

Dropped Out

The Willful Wanderer · #110

Sarai Sez:

Honestly, I was overall disappointed that T3h wasn't able to keep around.

The biggest difficulty I was facing there was having no idea of my opponent. I really, *really* hate writing posts where all I do is beat on my opponent without having them at least try to retaliate, but T3h never did give me much of an idea what his character was actually capable of. I was expecting at least one more post out of him, which would have given me something to work with for an exchange of blows/attacks/whatever, but it seems that wasn't in the cards. Knowing only that he was Northern, wore a pelt, and didn't actually use the dirk he cut himself with to fight, I was pretty much running on nothing there. Sigh.

Erdawn Il Deus · #111

I'm not going to jump on a hate train by saying I loved Kargath's judging, but I'm I'm still going to say I loved Kargath's judging. This kind of brutal critique is what I expect, and am lookingforward to.

DAMMIT KARGATH I WANT TO READ MORE!!!

Lycrios · #112

Yeah, I need to proof read my stuff. I hadn't written anything descriptive or even battle oriented in going on a few months now. Guess I needed to work away the rust a bit before trying my hand at the NLBFT. And the confusion with the "it's" and "its" I think came from the lack of proof reading, which came from me not having as much time to put into writting these posts as I used to. Anyway, just have to write more, and kick some ass in the battlefield again. :P

Thanks for the comments

Repster · #113

I find myself not opinionated enough. Hopefully different next round. Been to long since I actually thought of what I was reading.

1. L007 vs. 5. Erdawn

Score matters little in this fight, what with Erdawn backing out. Although, Erdawn totally won. It's LttP Link, older, on the pyramid of power, with a nice few details about the warriors mind set. Genocide? Not a very admirable trait in most, pure awesome in Link. The simple matter of Link just being viciously ruthless, not caring why and for what reason he fought, just that it needs to end, and end quickly, just seemed perfect. I wanted this fight to go longer, to see what would happen with the rest of the arsenal... a pity really, an older Link is one I expect would have gotten.. creative. I did quite enjoy the use of what little of the arsenal I did see. Oh boomerang...

as for L007, well, the awesomeness of LttP leave me with little to say here... With a single post, not counting entrance, I really can't get much of a feel off Senel, although what I saw I liked. From desperate on the defense, to back on the offense, good stuff. I look forward to seeing more of whatever you use in the next round.

Some slight confusion on what was going on both sides, but that might just be me, and did not really detract from anything except breaking the flow. Good use of the height difference of the steps, on both accounts.

2. Phenom vs. 8. KirbyBoy2000

This fight... Classic David and Goliathsyndrom. everything flowed perfectly, I enjoyed reading Kirbyboys posts more by a small margin. Also, his last sentence made me smile. I can't really say much more about anything in particular except that, in mixed in to such a degree that I can't really recall who wrote what without going back even my sparse notes are silent... Nothing really stuck out in continuation. Good use of each other, and the battlefield itself, all around. Some of Phenom's posts seem to drag on a wee bit to much.

Phenom 7
Kirbyboy 8

3. Selene (Sarai and Samiel) vs. 7. T3h Dahkness

A disappointment, probably the second biggest of the round. I got a feel for Fallen Star, but little of the Norseman. Very little information, not to bad of a situation for an entrance, but when there nothing to follow it... And really, with so little, nothing I can really say.

Sarai 7
T3h 5

4. Inferno vs. 6. Tazy

WAR OF THE 1-2 LINES OF DOOM! M'right, now that I got that out of my system... I am confused by about a quarter of what was going on I saw more then a few evident errors in grammar on both sides, and if I can see them... that's just horrid. This entire fight had me wanting to load up wikipedia, google, and rummage threw the archives. Never a good thing. I enjoyed nothing of reading this fight. NOTHING! Not to mention the complete lack of actually reacting to damage...Oh wait, I just did. So.. I'm gonna go with with what feels about right... Being as it was not as horrible to read as it could have been. I expected better from you two, tisk tisk tisk.

Inferno 3
Tazy 4.

1. Galefore vs. 8. Lycrios

Gonna have to toss a tie here. Sacrificing an arm for freedom? Using the loss of a sense and a glimpse of intelligence to attack the eyes? Quick tricky agile, versus force that knows nothing but hunger and having plenty of limbs to get food. Good stuff. I am sad that there wasn't one more post from each, coulda been something quite awesome in that... as well as getting more then just raw character concept.

7
7

2. X-3 vs. 4. MC Mushi Mo

I find myself with nothing in particular. Kinda of a half full half empty glass thing going on, s'not very particularly good, or bad. A good relaxing read either side. Little lack on on the bear's description, also, dirt does not conduct electricity. The miles between the crafts location and the exploding it... little things that annoy is the only reason this wasn't a tie.

X-3 5
Mushi 6

3. Wyborn vs. 7. Acradius

So... Acradius... I ma disliking how you dealt with the heroin. Disliking it quite a bit. although indirect attack via robbing was nice. As for Wyborn, Vegas? Brilliant. Everything about it. Brilliant. GENIUS I TELL YOU!

Wyborn 9
Acradius 7

5. Vapor vs. 6. Bartman

I saw an inkling to an interesting future to this fight at first... but then...

Vapor >9000
Bartman -50 DKP

The Willful Wanderer · #114

Sarai Sez:

...I can't believe you just judged that last one like that, Rep.

I'm laughing my butt off, I am.

X-3 · #115

Curses, my lack of description has injured me once again! Not to mention my stupidity! I'll get you one day, Professor Representation! Oh, and you too, Doctor...Intelligence. Eh.

Thanks for the criticism, SD and Repster.

Erdawn Il Deus · #116

Didn't even get to show what I was going to do with the cane of somaria, or the medallions. Sometimes tournaments suck.

Inferno Dragon · #117

Kargath wrote:I thought it might be good to drip feed things.

Writing - Technique (4 Points)
Tazy: 1.1
Inferno: 0.8
Inferno, stop using script form. It's lazy, it's poor form and it's no good to read.

Narrative - Originality (0.5 Point)
Tazy: 0.1
Inferno: 0
Inferno, please read carefully. Your use of what is essentially a Frankenstein's monster of fancharacters severely detracts from your piece. Furthermore, it negatively affects you, as you rely on the reader knowing about Dragon Ball, and you truncate descriptions whilst just waving in the direction of DBZ as if that's some sort of replacement.Tazy, I found your character and posts mostly devoid of originality, but you do achieve some points (again? hmm consideration for round two scoring...) for Nichi's dad showing up out of nowhere during the Grand Maw sequence.

I say this is a bias judging on the grounds of anti-DBZ sentiments swaying the judge's scoring. I've had my character for 9 years, 7 on here, and not one single person has ever INSULTED me or my character for using him and saying that it hurts me as a writer to use him. giving constructive criticism in a judging is one thing but flat out insulting someone for using a certain writing style or character is crossing the line.

as for script format, it's what I'm used to as an actor, it's what I'm more familiar with and most comfortable typing.

Erdawn Il Deus · #118

k, Inferno don't be a bitch. I will concede that you have every right to use script format, though. And he wasn't insulting DBZ, he was just saying don't use an assumed knowledge of DBZ to forgo on necessary descriptive prose

Inferno Dragon · #119

Erdawn Il Deus wrote:k, Inferno don't be a bitch. I will concede that you have every right to use script format, though. And he wasn't insulting DBZ, he was just saying don't use an assumed knowledge of DBZ to forgo on necessary descriptive prose

that still doesn't change the fact that he's insulting my character and saying I'm unoriginal for using him.

The Willful Wanderer · #120

Samiel Sez:

Your character is effectively half based on an existing anime that is extensively overused in the form of lots and lots of people basing things on it. This, literally, fits the definition of unoriginal. I fail to see the problem there.

He calls your character a 'frankenstein's monster' because he's got bits and pieces from other places stuck together, and it's obvious. There's nothing wrong with this (a point on which I disagree with him) but it's also true.

Please stop being melodramatic.

Again.